We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Music & Faith

Music is a big part of my life. I find myself trying to lose my mind in music more and more lately. Specifically for the last three weeks, no surprise.

So tomorrow (May 25th) marks one year since Grandma died. Oddly enough, Grandma is now forever linked with Kanye West. Sissy and I had tickets to go see him but the concert was two days after Grandma's funeral and we didn't really feel in the "party" mood so we didn't go. So now whenever I listen to Kanye I think of Grandma.

U2. Who doesn't know of my great love of U2? If you don't, then you haven't read my blog. As you all know, I've completely lost my faith in God. I see it coming back in bits and pieces but I have never lost my way with U2. It seems that they always have songs that relate to whatever I have going on in my life at that time. Right now I'm a bit obsessed with the following songs and these lyrics in particular from their latest release, "No Line On The Horizon".

"I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight"

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Listen for me, I'll be shouting
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

I think my whole family is going a bit crazy right now but I will be standing at the top of the hill shouting for sissy that she make it to the top.


Every day I die again, and again I'm reborn
Every day I have to find the courage
To walk out into the street with arms out
Got a love you can't defeat
Neither down nor out
There's nothing you have that I need
I can breathe

I know damn well that it takes more courage than most of us ever have to muster in our lives for sissy to go on each day. She is full of fear, full of doubt and yet every day she DOES go out into the streets, her arms out, living and breathing.

"Moment of Surrender"

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers by
And they did not notice me

We've all folded to our knees; in prayer, in disbelief, with wracking sobs. I don't see the people when I'm out and about running errands and it still seems unbelievable that they don't see the neon sign above my head reading "my dearest sissy has cancer.... again".

So that is what I'm reading, and singing very badly, right now until my faith in God returns. I have to trust and believe that it will come back, and maybe that's faith enough for now. Until then I have U2.

1 comment:

Mandy said...

Music is a huge part of my life as well. I am glad that you have music to help get you through the hard times.