We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Not Okay

Mom and sissy, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST!!!!


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Okay. I mean, not okay. Mom had asked me to please let her know when I had something not really "uplifting" to write as she didn't want to read it but she also knew that as a writer, there are some things I need to get out on paper in order to work through my emotions. This is one such time.

Sissy's biopsy was done today on the lump in her breast. We know it's cancer, it's a given. We only hope that it's the same type of cancer that is in her liver. By the way, the fact that I just wrote that sentence just blows my mind. Never would I wish this on my worst enemy (and I have a few) and yet here we are, doing this shit again... times ten. Anyway, hopefully, if the cancer is the same, sissy can keep the same chemo drugs that they were going to start on her yesterday. These are "supposed" to not make her as sick.

So tonight mom, Valentina and I were over at sissy's house. Asa was playing soccer, Valentina was running around, Trina was reading aloud from one of the books Sig sent her (Any Day With Hair Is A Good Hair Day) and we were laughing. Josh had taken the day off and went in to talk to his boss. It turns out that Josh is able to take the next 2 weeks off, plus have an additional EIGHT weeks of family leave time! We are all so grateful for this as Joshua really is the best thing for sissy. So, sissy just offhandedly repeated what Josh had said to her earlier in the day while they were running errands, "That guy thinks he has problems, my wife has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer!" Trina said how she looked at Josh and said "well I don't like it when you put it THAT way!" and then laughed. Mom and I just sat there and mom started to argue that no, she *thinks* it's "only" stage three. We talked some more about other things and then came home. I managed to put Valentina to bed before I lost it. I mean, I know this, I'm not stupid, I've been around cancer enough to know that, A) liver cancer is never good and B) once cancer has spread it's really not good. But hearing it out loud for the first time just sent me over the edge. The oncologist never told them what stage it was and they didn't ask, but he did tell them that yes, Trina will die from cancer. Mom and I have not looked it up online and will NOT look it up online. As far as I'm concerned, if you aren't sissy's doctor or oncologist, I don't want to hear about your treatments, cures, prognosis, etc....

Stage. Four. Metastatic. Breast. Cancer.

This is my sister we're talking about. My Sissy. This isn't possible. I'm sorry, but no. I can't accept this. And I won't accept it. Not now. How did this happen? This can't happen. This is Asa's mom we're talking about!!! How the fuck can life go on if he loses the most important person in his life? What the fuck did he do to have to deal with this shit? I love my sister, you all know I do. But to have to watch Asa go through this hell? Well, this is why I don't believe in heaven and hell, in the Biblical sense. Hell is what we're going through right now and there isn't anything worse. Not to us. Not right now. Yes, I know there will be something worse and that is really fucked up, but right now, right at this minute, this is hell. And I've been to heaven. It was May 2006 when the 7 of us went to the Mayan Riviera for Norm's and my honeymoon. In three years we've gone from the best to the worst. Only it's not the worst, the worst is yet to come.

I've always been terrified of losing my parents and it only got worse after both my grandparents died, Grandma being gone a year on May 25th. I have gone to mom and cried. I've had recurring dreams for the past 10 years or so that one of them goes to the doctor and they're told that they have cancer that is beyond anything they can do. I've had several dreams come true over the years, this one was not supposed to be one of them and it was NOT supposed to apply to my sister. Anyway, mom always told me that losing your parents is the circle of life, it's natural, and besides, I'll have Trina to lean on when the time comes. Well this just blows that whole thought process to shit. And here is the most selfish thought I've had in the past 17 days; after Sissy goes, and after my parents go, who do I have left? No one. I'll be the last one. Yes, I'll have the kids, but no one will know my past, no one will know me when I was growing up. I've always had this saying with sissy; when I'm 80, you'll be the only person who will have known me when I was 8. Don't ask me why I picked 80 and 8, but it was supposed to be true, dammit! This was supposed to be REAL! THAT is what was supposed to happen, not this fucked up version of reality. The thought of losing my sister is enough to send me over the edge. The thought of Asa having to grow up without his mom will send me over the edge. The thought of my daughter being older and not having her beloved TT is insane. But the thought of growing old by myself? As selfish as it is, I'm terrified of it. And please, don't leave comments like "oh, you'll have Norm" or "but you have the kids" bullshit. Yes, I know that. But my sister was ALWAYS supposed to be there. We've always joked that we're the only set of twins born six years apart. She can glance at something (a window, a letter opener, a plate) and I can tell what she's thinking. For instance one time she was looking around for something at my house. She hadn't said what she was looking for, I could just tell she was looking for something. I told her "the nail clippers are in that drawer and yes, we need to make an appointment for a pedicure." She just looked at me and smiled. It was not the first time it had happened to us. She's done the same thing with me. How the fuck am I supposed to get through this without her? I can't. And right now I really fucking hate that saying "if God brings you to it, He can get you through it." Well you can take this bullshit back any time, God! I'm sorry, I'm angry. Actually, I'm NOT sorry that I'm angry. It's sure as shit not going to be the last time I'm pissed off. And until you've gone through the exact same thing, you can't tell me how you would react. And hey, if you were singing God's praises and thanking Him, well good for you, you're a better person than I am. I'm NOT thanking Him. I'm pissed off at Him and at everyone else. I'm really fucking pissed off at the doctors, who today at the biopsy told Trina that the lump is really high up toward her underarm so they may have missed it at last year's mammogram. Well whaddya fucking know about that! Isn't she one lucky sonuvabitch!

So that is why I'm not okay right now. Tomorrow? I have no fucking clue what tomorrow will bring. All I know is that I don't want each day to end. And yes, I'm hoping like mad that a miracle happens. Mom is positive that one will and I will be the first one in line to say "yay! I was wrong!" But right now feeling this is supposedly better than not feeling it, which is where I was last week. I don't know anything. Actually, the only thing I DO know is that I fucking hate cancer. And I love my sister. I love her enough to sit by her side and fight like hell.

20 comments:

Alaska family said...

Cameo…
We have no words for you. We can only imagine how hard it has been for you to go through all of this. We wish there was something, anything, we could do to help you…Please let us know if there is. Know that you are in our constant thoughts and prayers and are always in our hearts. We love you all so much.

Mandy said...

I wish I could be there to just give you a big hug. No one can make any promises about whats going to happen or when its going to happen. You just have to fight like hell while going through it, and I know you will.

Valerie said...

Crying along with you right now. All you can do is fight like hell and get second, third and even fourth opinions.

I wish I had something wise to say to make you feel better. But, you're right Cancer is a b#tch!

We find out tomorrow about my Mom's cancer.

Anonymous said...

Feel free to tell me to mind my own business...I am a stranger. I don't know you or your sister or any other members of your precious family. I don't want to intrude...I apologize if it feels that way. I just happened upon your blog and wanted to let you know that you have people in Atlanta that are sending positive vibes and prayers your way. I would never say that I know exactly what you're feeling, because of course, I don't. I will tell you that we were facing a very similar situation with liver cancer that had spread and we did get our miracle. We're rooting for all of you.

Tracey said...

Plain and simple...I LOVE YOU! I love your family!

I HATE CANCER!!!

Amanda said...

Cameo my bestesst friend... I love you and am relieved that you put these thoughts down. My heart aches for you.

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jill marie said...

When you lose your faith...when you cannot pray...we will have faith for you... we will pray for Trina and your family. You just keep writing and getting it out.

You KNOW we love you all very much.

Grama said...

I love you just the way you are.
I'm so sorry.

DJ Holly Rock said...

Cams...you are so REAL and that is why I love you!!! Again...no words. I wish I could take some of this burden from your family.

Trina G. said...

we all hate this, I know. I'm glad that we have each other and we all have good days and bad days and I think that we stagger them so we each have a good day when the other has a bad day. Make sense? I love you and I'm going to be here for a long time. I'm going through chemo so I can. Love you and you can write whatever you want.

I loved being with you this morning and watching SNL.

from your loving ball of cancer :)

Trina G. said...

we all hate this, I know. I'm glad that we have each other and we all have good days and bad days and I think that we stagger them so we each have a good day when the other has a bad day. Make sense? I love you and I'm going to be here for a long time. I'm going through chemo so I can. Love you and you can write whatever you want.

I loved being with you this morning and watching SNL.

from your loving ball of cancer :)

Krystal said...

I hope you are having a better day. I Love you!

Sig said...

This all sucks. It sucks balls. Worse than that even.
Nothing any ofus can say will make it better, if anyone knows that, I do.
So sorry, but glad you wrote it all down.
Love you. (and glad she likes the books!)

Kylie's Mommy said...

Cameo,
I have nothing to say that will make you feel better right now. All I can do is let you know that I am constantly thinking of you and your family and will be here to "listen" whenever you need to let your feelings out like this. Hugs to my Guatemama friend...

Dottie

URBAN BLONDE said...

Cameo, hear you, love you and wish I could make it all better for you et al.

Crystal said...

My dear sweet sweet Cameo--(((HUGS)))) to you --(((hugs))) I wish I could say something or do something to make this all better --just please know you are in my thoughts and prayers--

You and your sissy are amazing --do you know that? -- Thanking for trusting us to walk this road with you--(((HUGS)))) to you my sweet Cameo

Beya said...

Yay, I had to read it too even when you warned me not to. I love you and am here for you always. Love you.

Andrea said...

((hugs)). That's all I can say. Or do. Or cyber-do. Ah crap.

Just know that I love you all!!! ((HUGS))

LouLou said...

Cameo, I wish I could come give you a great big hug..... I envy your closeness with your family. I LOVE my family, but none of my sisters and I are as close as you and Trina.... Natalie is the closest thing to that, and I can't imagine going through this with her.... Just thinking it makes me be able to feel just a TINY bit of what you must feel.....I can't imagine how hard this is for you. I know that illness doesn't just affect the family member who's sick...it affects EVERYONE... you especially, since you and Trina are more like siamese twins.....Just know that I think of you and pray for you often. I love you, girl. I really do.