We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Okay

I had yesterday's post all figured out in my head and then sissy told me about her "spot". Then it all went out the window. Actually, my first thought when she told me was "there must be a reason for this." Ha! See? I told you my faith would come back. Actually, it's still on it's way, but I can see it now. Also, someone, I can't remember who, reminded me yesterday of the best news, THE BONE SCAN IS CLEAN!!!!! So there is much to be thankful for.



I had therapy yesterday which was very helpful. I did have something shocking happen towards the end of my session. My therapist is very button up, conservative, devout Jewish, quiet, soft spoken dude. Next month marks 8 years that I've been seeing him. Anyway, y'all know me, the complete opposite of him. I go in there and I'm usually swearing when I get upset and yesterday was full of it. Towards the end he told me, "Cameo, deal with everything during the day and then at the end of it, you do whatever the fuck you want." I almost laughed out loud at him. I was telling him of all my guilt about sissy's cancer and my absurd routines now and things that I don't do the same since the diagnosis (put my feet on the ottoman for instance). Needless to say I'll be seeing him weekly for the foreseeable future.



Right now Valentina has a pad of paper with a pen and is taking my order. She asks me "mama, what you like, mama?" Geez, think we've taken them out to eat too much?



Anyway, like I said, I think I'm on my way back. Sometimes I'll be shitty and will have lost all my faith and sometimes I'll be praising God. I opened my Bible for the first time Sunday night and nada. I got nothing out of it. In fact some of the verses that I had highlighted the first week, when I was positive that sissy didn't have cancer, made absolutely no sense. Oh well, they gave me comfort then. But now I need to find new verses. Mom keeps telling me "go back and re-read the old ones" but I can't. I keep getting people telling me "read this one" or "read that one" but really, I need to do find them on my own. Just like my faith is being restored when I'm ready. Just like sissy will be healed in God's time. It's not always everyone else's time, but hey, what am I gonna do? Stamp my feet, yell at God, curse Him and throw a temper tantrum like a 3 year old? Oh, yeah, I already did that :)

10 comments:

Grama said...

You will make it. You will find the way when it is your time. We love you and make suggestions that help us but God gave each of us the right to choose so I'm glad you don't let us take that right away from you. Love you. We are here when you need us.

Mandy said...

Speaking from my own personal experiences, there were times when I went looking for my faith in the bible and never found it there. Instead I found great comfort and peace in some of the Buddist and Taoist scriptures and stories. The bible just doesn't do it for me, but quiet meditation and refelction does. You will find what works best for you. Many hugs.

Sonia said...

Keep hanging in there, Cameo. Just know that you and everyone else in the family is loved very much. You are in my prayers. God will help you through this. Love you!

Aunt Kathy said...

when we "can't"
HE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!1

love you so much
"Aunt" kathy

Valerie said...

Just take each day one at a time. Some days will be rough, but you will make it. Your family and friends will always be there to help out. Just ask (that's the hardest part.)

Anonymous said...

ALL I can say is I/we love you just the way you are, whether you are venting or calmly praising God for being so good.... I love that you said in his time it is like thy will be done from the Lord's prayer. Wish I could take away your sorrows, but we cannot, hang in there your cyber family will listen.... and we will all continue to pray for you and your family.
Hugs,

MT II

Tracey said...

We loves you very much! I can only imagine all that you are feeling. Your faith will heal...so will you and so will Sissy:)

Hugs to your entire kick ass family!!!

Your Alaska family said...

Cameo,

We are still praying for you -

…people cant tell you where to go, only God is the real inspiration. While advice is nice…God is the only one who can direct you to where YOU need to be at this point in your life, during these hard times.

Let us know if there is anything we can do for you,

We love and miss you!

Beya said...

I love you babygirl, just the wonderful way you are.

Anonymous said...

http://lpintop.tripod.com/laurasinspirationalpages/id37.html