I had yesterday's post all figured out in my head and then sissy told me about her "spot". Then it all went out the window. Actually, my first thought when she told me was "there must be a reason for this." Ha! See? I told you my faith would come back. Actually, it's still on it's way, but I can see it now. Also, someone, I can't remember who, reminded me yesterday of the best news, THE BONE SCAN IS CLEAN!!!!! So there is much to be thankful for.
I had therapy yesterday which was very helpful. I did have something shocking happen towards the end of my session. My therapist is very button up, conservative, devout Jewish, quiet, soft spoken dude. Next month marks 8 years that I've been seeing him. Anyway, y'all know me, the complete opposite of him. I go in there and I'm usually swearing when I get upset and yesterday was full of it. Towards the end he told me, "Cameo, deal with everything during the day and then at the end of it, you do whatever the fuck you want." I almost laughed out loud at him. I was telling him of all my guilt about sissy's cancer and my absurd routines now and things that I don't do the same since the diagnosis (put my feet on the ottoman for instance). Needless to say I'll be seeing him weekly for the foreseeable future.
Right now Valentina has a pad of paper with a pen and is taking my order. She asks me "mama, what you like, mama?" Geez, think we've taken them out to eat too much?
Anyway, like I said, I think I'm on my way back. Sometimes I'll be shitty and will have lost all my faith and sometimes I'll be praising God. I opened my Bible for the first time Sunday night and nada. I got nothing out of it. In fact some of the verses that I had highlighted the first week, when I was positive that sissy didn't have cancer, made absolutely no sense. Oh well, they gave me comfort then. But now I need to find new verses. Mom keeps telling me "go back and re-read the old ones" but I can't. I keep getting people telling me "read this one" or "read that one" but really, I need to do find them on my own. Just like my faith is being restored when I'm ready. Just like sissy will be healed in God's time. It's not always everyone else's time, but hey, what am I gonna do? Stamp my feet, yell at God, curse Him and throw a temper tantrum like a 3 year old? Oh, yeah, I already did that :)