We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fuck You Cancer

I was talking to mom today and I told her how I hate that cancer has completely taken over our lives like, well, a cancer. She said that we can't let it, we need to learn how to live our lives and not let cancer live us, blah blah blah. I told yeah, we will, but we're barely a month into this lifelong illness. Right now there is still not one second of one minute of one hour of one day that goes by that I'm not thinking of it. I take that back. There was, actually, a split second about 2 weeks after diagnosis that it happened. It was in the middle of the night, Valentina woke up and I swooped into her room and was rocking her before I was even half awake. I remembered a dream I had just had that sissy had liver cancer. I breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was just a dream when BAM! it hit me all over again that no, it wasn't a dream. However, it's slowing becoming a way of life and no longer a nightmare. When I started my blog it was a way of dealing with my emotions of the adoption. After Valentina came home it was a way of dealing with the bonding process. After I bonded it was a way to just document our family life. Actually, it was always about my family. Now? It's become a way of dealing with my sister's cancer. Never, ever, ever in a million years did I ever think it would become what it has. Never. I felt like we had done our time, especially sissy. Now to see her having the effects of chemo, yet again, I'm pissed off. My faith has returned and I'm cautiously optimistic about her outcome. I'm reading my Bible and find comfort in the passages I had found when this whole thing hit. I'm also reading a book that has been very helpful. I'm waiting to finish it before I discuss it. I'm halfway through it and so far I love it. I also can't wait to read "Trailer Trashed" by one of my favorite authors, Hollis Gillespie. I ordered it (even bought the autographed version) over a month ago but it came the week of the diagnosis. I have yet to crack it open, it's sitting on my desk. I still can't let go of my quirks; only using my computer at the desk, cannot put my feet on my ottoman, I can't turn on the clear lights that I had just put up around my kitchen window, it's now habit that I put on my rosary when I put on my glasses and I only take it off when I take off my glasses, and I'm still not looking up any statistics. Quite honestly I don't give a damn what the statistics say, it doesn't make one fucking bit of difference.

So, I'm looking forward to one day, in the very near future, of writing a whole post and not mentioning cancer once. Even though it will never leave my mind, I can leave it out of my blog once in a while.


Valerie said...

Oh, Honey! I know how you feel. I feel like my Mom's cancer is my life. She been fighting it for 16 long months now and it's not looking to good. When I do forget about it and remember later I feel guilty about not thinking about her. It's a long, tough road, but we are here for you!

Mandy said...

A friend of our family received a diagnosis and a not so great prognosis, but we're all ok and he's ok. We're determined to take it one day at a time and make the most of the time. In the big picture, thats all any of us can do, cancer or not.