We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Monday, June 15, 2009

No News

The oncologist went over the MRI results with mom, sissy and Joshua today. He said that it is early and that he is still very optimistic. Another bone scan and brain scan will be ordered this week. The cancer is extremely aggressive which he said was good(?) because the chemo will work better with it. Anyway, I did some shopping and then hooked up with the gang at chemotherapy. We partied and had a good 'ol time. I think sissy's chemo room will turn into SPC.

The past few days have been hard. Really hard. Unbelievably hard. My rosary is off and I've been cursing God and questioning his very existence. I told papa that God has to pull something out of his ass really fast if he wants my faith again. Papa got really mad at me for that. I told papa that that God has to show us some respect and give some good news if he wants my respect. I had just reached a place of "okay, this is manageable. The cancer has just spread to her liver, it's contained there, the main tumor is out, this is ok. We can deal with this" when BAM! everything went to shit Friday night. I've been pissed off ever since. This afternoon I dropped off the kids at Grama's and drove to the mall (see reason below, it's pretty funny). I was crying, sobbing and feeling so hopeless. I had my iPod on shuffle and "Dustland Fairytale" was playing and it came to the following part:

"we persevere
God gives us hope
but we still fear
we don't know
the mind is poison"

Now if that wasn't for me I don't know what is. My mind has been poisoned with all the "what ifs" and everything else. I realized that all we have is right now. Right now is all any of us have. And that's just it, we've always lived our lives as if today was our last, it's something that mom taught us. She always said that guilt was the worst thing to live with and to never let things go because we never know when someone can die. That's also what pisses me off so much, we've always appreciated our lives, our health, our family. WE DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!! GOD OWES US SOMETHING BETTER!!!!! And right now I'm still questioning his existence, and yes, I know I'm supposed to capitalized "His" name but I'm sorry, he doesn't get that respect until he shows me something better. I opened my bible last night and got nil. Bullshit. That's all I got. However, Sissy (she DOES deserve capitalization!) has faith in God and hope and an amazing outlook, which is the most important. So there. That's where I'm at. This afternoon I was feeling much better and I feel like today is okay. I have no idea what tomorrow will be. But right now, right this minute, I'm ok. The cancer jokes, however, has ceased. I can't joke about this bullshit fucking asshole dumbfuck. It needs to go to hell and stay there. And I don't even believe in hell!

Okay, so, why did I have to go to the mall? Yesterday sissy was feeling like she needed some new loungewear since she isn't well enough to get dressed or anything else so she just wears nightgowns at home and she wanted some pretty ones. Around 4-5 pm last night mom called me and said "we're going to Penney's, do you wanna go?" Of course! I can always shop! So off we went. Sissy got quite a few pretty things and I'm so happy for her! She'll be able to lounge around looking quite fancy. I got two nice bras and at the last minute I grabbed two more "home" bras, you know, no underwire, comfy bras. As the chick was ringing up my bras I happened to look down and the word "maternity" flashed up. I thought it was odd but Valentina was in the midst of a major meltdown so I just tried to keep her in the stroller as she was trying to claw her way out of it. I got home and tried on my "dress" bras (underwire, push up, make the girls stand out) and they fit perfectly. Next came the "home" bras. Hmm.... something wasn't quite right, there was an extra flap and clasp. What was this? They were fucking nursing bras!!!!! I called sissy to tell her and she was laughing so hard. Yeah, we all got a lot of mileage out of that one. So today I hit the mall before seeing sissy at chemo to return my nursing bras for regular home bras. I was in the middle of the return when mom called me to tell me what the doctor had to say and I was still on the phone with her as I walked towards the kids section. I ended up stocking up on a ton of clothes for Asa and a few nightgowns for Valentina. I spent too much money that I don't have and when I got to sissy at chemo I realized something; I didn't get my "home" bras! The whole reason I went to Penney's! Oh well, gives me a reason to go back.

So, that is what is up with our familia. Sissy did get new meds and she seems to be doing well on them. However, she only had one chemo poison instead of two this week so we'll see. And thank you for the prayers. I'm still praying, I haven't gone rogue on that. Yet.

15 comments:

your LLP said...

I love you and I NEVER stop thinking about you!!!

Trina G. said...

Love you. I enjoyed laughing with you today at chemo. We just have one big party over HERE~!!!" Love you and see you tomorrow. I feel hopeful for tomorrow.

Beya said...

I love you baby girl and am praying you will give God the respect He deserves. He died for us and He has promised us He will bless Trina. I know you love her so much, it is so hard for you. I have faith that God will get through to you and you will again trust in Him. I love you!

Andrea said...

Cams and Trina-we are constantly praying for you all. I echo what Beya said-He WILL get you all through this. You are all so much stronger than you know. You are also such an inspiration to so many of us! We love you so much!!!!

Kate @ Life As I Live It said...

Cam, I pray every night that you all will have the strength, the faith, and the peace to deal with whatever comes your way. God did not cause Trina's cancer, no more than God causes any of the awfulness that is in our world. Instead, I believe, He uses the awfulness and tradgedy to bring us closer to Him, to teach us more about His love and to learn more about ourselves. Don't be angry at God Cameo. He's weeping tears of sadness too for He loves Trina as much as you do.

I'll fall asleep praying for you again tonight...

Steph said...

Cameo, I'm no theologian, but I know God is big enough for our doubts, for our anger, for our questions. You are not the first, nor likely the last, to question God or to be angry with Him. Just know that He loves you and Trina enough for all of it - and wants the best for you.

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Praying for all of you. :)

Steph said...

Oops - that was Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

melissa said...

You are so right - all any of us have is right now. That's something that I often forget - I get too caught up in the 'what ifs'. It is so hard to understand why bad things happen - especially to good people who don't deserve it. I know God didn't give Trina cancer, but I don't understand why he doesn't just heal her right now. I believe He has the power to do anything, but there's so much I just don't understand. Don't feel alone - I think so many of us struggle with this. It's so easy to praise Him when things are going well, but it's so difficult when we are going through hard times. Know that I continue to pray for your family. I know in times when I was in a bad place and unable to pray - it still felt good knowing that other people were praying for me.

Grama said...

I love you and so does God even when like V you have a tantrum. You are a child to God and He is loving you through all of this just like all the rest of us.

bodegalee said...

Cameo, I've been thinking about you and will continue to pray for your whole family. LOVED your bra story... humor.. often the best medicine.. Go rent a bunch of comedies and get the family together... ((HUGS))...

Leigh

Valerie said...

Wow! You really hit the nail on the head. I've been feeling the same way about God recently. I just don't understand why he keeps on letting my Mom's cancer spread. It's really hard to keep your faith when you keep on being tested.

erinberry said...

I can only imagine what you and your family are going through right now. Hoping for the very best.

Kim said...

Continued prayers for all of you. And as I said before, I think it's perfectly fine to be mad at God. He understands - He loves you - more then you can ever understand. And, when you are ready, He will be there to welcome you back with open arms.

Mylene said...

This world sure can seem sad and difficult at times, and I have surely felt the same way. But your mother is right. We only have now. and life is filled with challenges of love and patience. The great thing about God is hope. Hope for today, and hope for tomorrow. Don't lose hope and faith Cameo. God loves you and He loves Trina very much. There are reasons beyond our understanding for why things can be tough. But keep loving, believing, and hoping. I am glad you continue to pray. God bless you and may He give you peace.

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