The oncologist went over the MRI results with mom, sissy and Joshua today. He said that it is early and that he is still very optimistic. Another bone scan and brain scan will be ordered this week. The cancer is extremely aggressive which he said was good(?) because the chemo will work better with it. Anyway, I did some shopping and then hooked up with the gang at chemotherapy. We partied and had a good 'ol time. I think sissy's chemo room will turn into SPC.
The past few days have been hard. Really hard. Unbelievably hard. My rosary is off and I've been cursing God and questioning his very existence. I told papa that God has to pull something out of his ass really fast if he wants my faith again. Papa got really mad at me for that. I told papa that that God has to show us some respect and give some good news if he wants my respect. I had just reached a place of "okay, this is manageable. The cancer has just spread to her liver, it's contained there, the main tumor is out, this is ok. We can deal with this" when BAM! everything went to shit Friday night. I've been pissed off ever since. This afternoon I dropped off the kids at Grama's and drove to the mall (see reason below, it's pretty funny). I was crying, sobbing and feeling so hopeless. I had my iPod on shuffle and "Dustland Fairytale" was playing and it came to the following part:
God gives us hope
but we still fear
we don't know
the mind is poison"
Now if that wasn't for me I don't know what is. My mind has been poisoned with all the "what ifs" and everything else. I realized that all we have is right now. Right now is all any of us have. And that's just it, we've always lived our lives as if today was our last, it's something that mom taught us. She always said that guilt was the worst thing to live with and to never let things go because we never know when someone can die. That's also what pisses me off so much, we've always appreciated our lives, our health, our family. WE DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!! GOD OWES US SOMETHING BETTER!!!!! And right now I'm still questioning his existence, and yes, I know I'm supposed to capitalized "His" name but I'm sorry, he doesn't get that respect until he shows me something better. I opened my bible last night and got nil. Bullshit. That's all I got. However, Sissy (she DOES deserve capitalization!) has faith in God and hope and an amazing outlook, which is the most important. So there. That's where I'm at. This afternoon I was feeling much better and I feel like today is okay. I have no idea what tomorrow will be. But right now, right this minute, I'm ok. The cancer jokes, however, has ceased. I can't joke about this bullshit fucking asshole dumbfuck. It needs to go to hell and stay there. And I don't even believe in hell!
Okay, so, why did I have to go to the mall? Yesterday sissy was feeling like she needed some new loungewear since she isn't well enough to get dressed or anything else so she just wears nightgowns at home and she wanted some pretty ones. Around 4-5 pm last night mom called me and said "we're going to Penney's, do you wanna go?" Of course! I can always shop! So off we went. Sissy got quite a few pretty things and I'm so happy for her! She'll be able to lounge around looking quite fancy. I got two nice bras and at the last minute I grabbed two more "home" bras, you know, no underwire, comfy bras. As the chick was ringing up my bras I happened to look down and the word "maternity" flashed up. I thought it was odd but Valentina was in the midst of a major meltdown so I just tried to keep her in the stroller as she was trying to claw her way out of it. I got home and tried on my "dress" bras (underwire, push up, make the girls stand out) and they fit perfectly. Next came the "home" bras. Hmm.... something wasn't quite right, there was an extra flap and clasp. What was this? They were fucking nursing bras!!!!! I called sissy to tell her and she was laughing so hard. Yeah, we all got a lot of mileage out of that one. So today I hit the mall before seeing sissy at chemo to return my nursing bras for regular home bras. I was in the middle of the return when mom called me to tell me what the doctor had to say and I was still on the phone with her as I walked towards the kids section. I ended up stocking up on a ton of clothes for Asa and a few nightgowns for Valentina. I spent too much money that I don't have and when I got to sissy at chemo I realized something; I didn't get my "home" bras! The whole reason I went to Penney's! Oh well, gives me a reason to go back.
So, that is what is up with our familia. Sissy did get new meds and she seems to be doing well on them. However, she only had one chemo poison instead of two this week so we'll see. And thank you for the prayers. I'm still praying, I haven't gone rogue on that. Yet.