The last two days have begun the same way. Mom is over at my house and we're starting our coffee when her phone rings. We look at each other nervously and wait to hear how sissy is doing to know what our day is going to look like. Both mornings have started with sissy feeling shitty. But I also know that as crappy as we feel for her, she's feeling 1000 times worse. Right now they are trying to adjust her meds/find the right meds to help keep her comfortable (i.e. keep the pain tolerable) and to calm the nausea so she can keep her food down so she can actually take the meds she needs to. She's thrown up at least once a day the past two days. Poor thing called me this afternoon and said she couldn't wait to get back to normal, to be a daughter, a sissy, a mother, a wife, a TT, a HUMAN again. I told that yes, it was time she start pulling her weight again. That's it. That's the extent of our cancer "humor". The jokes are gone. There's absolutely no sense to any of this. She had a horrible day yesterday. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, everything, she was just completely wiped out. She was wondering if the worst was going to happen; that she will undergo this torture treatment for six months and in the end have it all be for nothing. I had no words for her because honestly, I DON'T KNOW. I know I've wondered the same thing. When it comes down to it, NONE OF US KNOWS SHIT and I can't bring myself to tell her some bullshit of "oh, I know you'll beat it". The fact of the matter is, it's going to take a miracle, the act of God Himself touching her with His healing hand to make her well. We know this can happen. So when she has a bad day, we all have a bad day, but I feel like I have the best of it. I have the kiddos! They keep me on track. And mom is doing what she does best, be the best kick ass mom anyone could ever dream for. So mom and I are both doing the best we can in our situation, it's just poor sissy that is taking the brunt end of the shit stick.
THAT SAID, miracles do happen. And mom and I were reminding ourselves that out of ANYONE we know, sissy has the most faith and the utmost belief in God. Case in point:
* On more than on occasion, hell, on more than FIVE occasions (that mom and I could think of off the top of our heads), sissy had been at the end of her rope, financially. And this has happened multiple times over the past 10+ years. I can remember her telling me that she didn't have the money for this bill or that necessity and that she couldn't worry about it, that she had prayed about it and given it to God. Now here's where sissy differs from mom and me; mom and I would give it to God.... and then take it back and think we could fix it better than He could and then end up giving it back to Him half a dozen times. Sissy? When she gives her problems to Him, she gives them and forgets them. And every time she had a financial strain or told me about money problems, in the next few days (or the very next day) sissy would call me up, praising God and so happy because she had received money in the mail!!!!! I've never heard of this happening to anyone else. Hell, I've never had it happen to me! And it was always for either the exact amount she needed or just a little over. Always. And it was always really bizarre ways/places she would receive the money from. Sometimes it would be a refund for an overcharge on her phone bill, sometimes it would be a rebate on something she had forgotten about, sometimes it was from someone saying "I felt impressed to send you this money". Every. Single. Time. Whenever sissy prayed to God and told Him she needed help, He would help her!
So part of me thinks, okay, here's the ultimate help she needs from you, GIVE IT TO HER ALREADY!!!! Part of me thinks, okay, I know things happen in His time, so I need to be patient. Part of me thinks, one day we'll ALL look back at this and realize how much we grew from it. And yes, part of me even doubts sometimes. But I've learned something very helpful; don't look past the current day or else I'll have a panic attack. I'm not like sissy. I can't give my problems to God and not take them back. But in this case I have no choice. There's nothing I can do. I have to trust her life in His hands. It's hard. It's really fucking hard. And then there are things that happen that make it even fucking harder.
Today was Asa's first soccer practice day. The team actually started practice last week but they weren't able to get Asa on a team (i.e. absorb the cancer guilt and push him to the top of the waiting list) until, well, late last week after practice had already started so Asa had missed the all important first practice where everyone meets and gets to know each other. As if it weren't hard enough to show up the odd boy out and not knowing anyone and having everyone else already know each other, sissy wasn't able to take him to practice. My heart was physically aching for him tonight when I took him. Of course the fact that I had talked to sissy on the phone on the way to practice and she was devastated and sobbing didn't help things out either. Asa knew NONE of this, all he knew was that he didn't know anyone, his mum wasn't there and he was scared. He waited on the sidelines for a while and then I went into "mother bear mode". Keep in mind that I took Valentina to gymnastics once, ONCE, because I found it too hard to deal with the political crap that goes along with this type of stuff. What I wouldn't do for my own daughter, well, I would damn well do for my Asa and my sick sissy!!!! I marched right up to the coach (with Asa kind of hiding behind me) and started asking who everyone was, what their names were, etc.... and the coach was good. He understood what was going on and started introducing Asa to everyone. In about 2 minutes Asa was running around and having a normal time. The best thing happened at the end when Asa came running off the field and yelled "SISSY! That was a GREAT practice!"
Now, this being me, and me still being, well, me, cancer or no cancer, things tend to go not quite right. I had Valentina with me, it was super hot today and I assumed that practice lasted the same time as games, 45 minutes. Papa was with me, although he was zero help as he was sprawled out on a blanket in the shade, SLEEPING, I'm trying to take pictures for sissy, keep Valentina somewhat contained and after 30 minutes Valentina decides to start yelling at me "MAMA! I POOPY AGAIN!!!!". Talk about Mexi-Ghetto to go! I figured if I could just hold her off for another 15 minutes I could change her after practice. They were taking a lot of water breaks so I had make sure I was there when one was made so I could make Asa drink. He has a tendency to not want to do anything when he's playing soccer, whether it be drink water or pee. After 15 minutes of Valentina yelling at me and then her physically taking my arm and trying to drag me towards the building where the bathrooms are, there was a water break. As soon as it was over, I woke up papa and instructed him to make sure Asa was ok for the 3-4 minutes I was gone. Everything went fine and a short time later the aforementioned "GREAT practice" statement was made. All in all, it was a decent time. Again, I'm just so happy that Asa gets to be in soccer and have his passion fulfilled during this tumultuous time. Sissy, AND JOSHUA, does a FANTASTIC job of being open with Asa about the cancer and yet still strive to keep his life as normal as possible. I can't imagine the incredible tightrope that is and they BOTH do an amazing job at it.
Okay, I really only meant to write a few lines and ask for continued prayers that sissy will do a bit better or for faith, strength and patience when she doesn't, but as usual my diarrhea mouth has carried over to my fingers.
God, please, please give us all the faith, strength and patience needed to get through this ordeal and out the other side, to a BETTER side of this. And if there is no better side, please let us enjoy the bumpy ride we are on right now before it ends.