We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Catholic Guilt

I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon, all alone at my request, and after a few minutes he asked me if I was Catholic. I explained that I was raised Adventist, no longer go to church, papa is Catholic and if I DO go to church, then yes, it is the Catholic church. He laughed and said that I have the Catholic guilt down pat and that it must be in my DNA since I don't go to mass very often.

I told Dr. H, in very broad strokes, what I was feeling and he said we were in kind of a bind. First off, this kind of situation is going to throw EVERYONE off kilter, even if they were sane to begin with, pshshshshft. What the hell is sane? Second, he wonders how much of my depression is playing in to this and third, how much of my bipolar is a player. So really, there's no way to dissect everything and say "okay, this is from the bipolar, this is from the depression and this is from her sister having cancer." He did instruct me, forcefully, to go back to therapy. Weekly. This is something mom and Trina have been telling me to do for at least the past month and I've drug my heals just because I'm so tired the last thing I want to do is actually talk and DEAL with my problems. Dr. H pretty much said it was imperative that I go back and start therapy. He also upped my anti-depressant and told me I need to take my ambien every night. I've been taking it the last 3 nights and it does help. Of course Valentina is up between 1-3 X a night so I don't get a full nights sleep. But she is doing really well with her big girl bed. Much, much, much better than I thought after the fiasco we had the first few nights. Andrea, HANG IN THERE!!!! IT WILL GET BETTER!!!! You have my number, feel free to call me and maybe we can compare notes.

Dr. H also told me that I do need to journal every day. I explained that I have my blog and I update it daily...... when I'm doing good. I also told him that mom can gauge my mood and mental state by how much I blog, or don't. Since it's been almost a week, that tells her I'm not doing too good. He said I NEED to journal every single day, whether it's on my blog or just a journal. And I need to write down 10 things I've done good for the day or 10 things that I've done for someone else. This is because I told him that I feel like I'm being pulled into 10 different directions and am failing at every single one. So, we'll see.

Finally, the tumor markers. It was a huge boulder that was dropped on us. NONE of us were expecting only a 9 point decrease. Never. Granted, they last drop was after a full cycle of chemo but the nurse also said that they should drop more the longer the chemo goes. I was hoping for the 500 range. Not 9. Nine. Not even into double digits. Fuck. I came home and cried a bit to Norm. I have a feeling I'll be crying some more later tonight. It's just a huge disappointment. Mom is convince each time that they are going to be normal. Well, so far, they haven't done that. I was hoping for at least a 50 drop, more like a 100 drop. Not NINE! And yesterday they lower her chemo dose because she's lost too much weight. Fuck. Oh well. We're all trying to make her add a few pounds. Amanda does fantastic as she brings over bags and bags and bags of food! And it's always PERFECT. Amanda, I love you so much and you kick ass at delivering good! Actually, ALL of you do!!!

Thank you:

You all rock and kick so much ass!!!! You make it soooo much easier on, not just Trina and Josh, but Beya and I as it isn't on us to make sure Trina has something to eat. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And to everyone who has sent sissy things, she always feels bad that she hasn't gotten thank you cards out to everyone. She DOES appreciate everything you all have sent to her! She said she feels it's kind of like Christmas! So thank you!!!!


melissa said...

I had to LOL at your blog title. I'm Catholic and I think your dr is right - the guilt is in our DNA! I like the idea of writing down 10 things per day - hopefully that will help you to see what you have been able to accomplish. Of course I'm the type that will write something on my to-do list (that's already done) just so I can mark it off - maybe that's why the list idea appeals to me!

Still praying....

Mandy said...

Cathloic guilt is sort of like Jewish guilt, which I've been told I'm very good at (no not Jewish, but its a long story). I agree with your dr. keeping a journal is sooo theraputic. I have always kept one, separate from my blog to write about things I'm not ready to share with everyone, things that are just for me. Its amazing what writing can do for you.

Grama said...

I too worry when you don't blog because I am afraid of what it means. You have so much going on in your life but you need you time so I hope any time you leave the kids here it gives you some you time.

Rhonda said...

I know Trina appreciates me. She doesn't have to send Thank you notes. She needs to get better, thats all she needs to worry about. Send her my love.
So disappointed that the markers weren't more. Praying for better numbers next time.
Oh, and Cameo you are doing fantastic. You are one hell of a sister.

Andrea said...

Yea, tell me it gets better as he's screaming at his door. Did I mention I hate bed time almost as much as I hate cancer? Yea, I do.

I laughed at the Catholic guilt, too. I've got a lot of that in my family. Another reason I love you (and Trina and Beya). We're all just messed up.

I know the tumor markers weren't what you expected, but that just means the next time they'll blow your socks off. God works like that sometimes. Put expectations on Him, and he throws you a curve ball. Give it up to Him, and he knocks it out of the park! I know you're all going to make it through this!!

I love you and Trina and Beya. Wonky and all ;)

Valerie said...

Yep, I've got it too! The Catholic guilt thing.

I'm so happy Valentina is doing good sleeping in her big girl bed. We can't even get Ava in her room anymore! I'm thinking she's either scared of something or has seperation anxiety..

Beya said...

Adventist grilt is what I have. I think it is just RELIGION!!!!!!!!!
God is Love.

Doripink said...

Just wanted to say HI and that I was thinking about you and Trina.

I can totally relate to the sleep thing...either Annalise OR DJ get up at least once a night to bother me and come into my room. I'd swear they were communicating via walkie-talkie at night except at 11 month old I don't think DJ could push the button to TALK! :) LOL


Doripink said...

Just wanted to say HI and that I was thinking about you and Trina.

I can totally relate to the sleep thing...either Annalise OR DJ get up at least once a night to bother me and come into my room. I'd swear they were communicating via walkie-talkie at night except at 11 month old I don't think DJ could push the button to TALK! :) LOL