We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Thursday, July 02, 2009

I'm Really Not That Negative!

I promise! I just re-read my post from last night and felt as if I needed to clarify a few things.

First, none of us want to be going down this road.... again. But we are and we are doing our damnedest to make the best of it. When we are all together, we all almost forget what is going on because we still all love each other and have fun together.

Second, just this morning I was telling mom how truly blessed we are. I, especially, consider myself so fortunate. My heart is aching for Jen and Aviana and her family. I cannot imagine what they are going through and what lies ahead for them. I pray for them throughout the day for strength, faith and comfort. I am so honestly blessed.

Third, it just so happens that when I sit down to blog, EVERYTHING comes out that I've been trying to hold in and naturally, it's the ugliness of cancer that I try to keep in, ergo, the shitty stuff is what is transposed most often to my blog. THIS IS NOT THE CASE IN MY REAL LIFE!!!! I feel like the 15-20% of pure fuckups in my life makes up 90% of my blog. Sorry. I guess I should work harder at keeping the good stuff in here too.

Fourth, I just realized that I'm not going to do what my last sentence said. I don't plan out what I'm going to write, I just sit down and the words write themselves. When I used to write short stories and long stories, I never knew where the story was going. I would sit down and just be along for the ride. This is no different. I sometimes sit down and think "I'm going to talk about this and that" and then my fingers hit the keyboard and out comes something entirely different.

Fifth, that's it, that's all, that's all there is. This is a line from a Beastie Boys song (can't remember which one, it's off of the "To The 5 Boroughs" CD) and I keep hearing it over and over in my head. And seriously, it's so true. We're all just plodding along, sometimes flying along, sometimes laboring along and at the end, that's it, that's all, that's all there is. So I am trying to make the best of the ride, no matter how long it lasts, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how GREAT the outcome will be, because at the end, I don't want to think "I should have done this better" or "I wish I would have done that differently". Obviously I will be apologizing to the kids for making the myriad of mistakes that I've made (and continue to make) with them. I will own all of my screw ups. But I never, ever want to have regrets. At the end I want the attitude of "I did all I could do and now, that's it, that's all, that's all there is." Period.

12 comments:

Krystal said...

I am sorry that Trina wasn't feeling well, but I am so glad that when Asa's momma is sick, he has a sissy to mother him! I continue to pray for Trina's energy to be restored, so that maybe you can both be there for practice soon :) You aren't negative, dear. You are just facing a negative situation right now. The negative cannot be ignored, but you are focusing on so much positive as well. And I think you are doing an incredibly awesome job of it!

Krystal said...
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Krystal said...
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Kim said...

I agree - I don't think of your blog as negative - it's just your reality right now. Plus, if it helps to dump all of the negative suff here - do it. Hugs to all of you!

Mandy said...

I think your blog is real. I completely "get" the words writing themselves. That happens to me all the time.

Lilith said...

Considering all you and your family is going through, I would seriously worry if you didn't sit down and get these thoughts out.

Grama said...

I agree that you should be able to write the negative if that is what comes out. I think you are the best you that you could possibly be. We love you so much and wouldn't read your blog if your thoughts weren't important to us. Keep being honest.

Crystal said...

My dear sweet Cameo--I could never imagine you as negative. You are about as sweet and real and honest as they come :) One of the qualities I admire so much about you is, you are so real and relateable--(I don't know if this is such a word!--but I think people can relate to you :) You are such a beautiful writer!

We all have struggles, and I think sometimes when people read your blog they can relate no matter what they are going thru.

Cameo --there are days that I read your blog that I am blown away by you! I don't even know what to write in the comments section because I only hope if I am ever facing a situation like this I would have your strength to press on. I think I would want to pull the covers over my head and go back to bed until it was over!

But not you and Beya and Sissy --you are enjoying your children to the fullest, living life to the fullest, holding on to each other, finding strength in God!!! I am so amazed by all of you!!!!!! Negative ha! Cameo dear sweet Cameo you are far from negative! I just love when you talk about Asa and Valentina --do you know what an amazing mom they see?!!! :) Sweet Sweet Cameo hold on okay I just know God has more miracles in store for your family --I hope you all have a really really fun FOURTH!

and can you tell Beya --I really want to be her when I grow --I am only half kidding here! :)

Crystal said...

YIKES!--I am so sorry I did not mean to write a novel!

Crystal said...

okay seriously I am crazy today :) --I am so sorry --but I just re read what I wrote and I am sorry I meant at the end --I really want to be Beya when I grow up! ha! I just love her Cams love her! --Cameo I am sorry for my longwindedness!

bodegalee said...

First I saw a few "removed by author" and it kills me that whack jobs use blogs folks write in order to "get it all out" (isnt a blog an online diary of sorts) to say their messed up, meddling piece - grhhh.. Im sorry I havent had a chance to check in on all of you this past week. Shared a bit in one of my last mails to you. My family has been incredible fortunate and I have not dealt with cancer first hand, except with friends. Well this past week seemed to be consumed by it (another friend and caring for her kids). Being there at the docs, hearing her tell me the probable dx.. just really, really hit me hard. I immediately thought of all of you. My friend's biopsy is tomorrow but praying what she's dealing with will be very treatable. BUT in end.. we all never know. and your very personal, let it all hang out (I love it.. it's the real deal.. you dont hide behind BS) blog has helped me a lot. Your sisters too. She's constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You all are.. And Cameo, your "real" words are very helpful.. helpful to many and they are true and honest. Love that about you.. ((HUGS)) and thinking of all of you!!

bodegalee said...

sorry should have re-read my post.. ick.... dont think I can edit... Sorry.. tacky... I havent experienced cancer with family members but have with friends, but nothing whereby I was intimately involved (what I was attempting to say).. so this past week and helping a friend... was telling. Surgeon is supposedly the best. I know of him and have heard awesome things BUT he essentially clapped her on the back and said "yep.. it's probably Lymphoma".. I was like WTF?? No lead up. where was the hand-holding, description of what it is etc..?? I mean she could have gone home thinking she had a bad case of Athletes foot or something (not sure everyone knows what Lymphoma is.. bad analogy but I was soooo pissed)...Anyway, the very little I have been involved with the medical side for my friend (she's deaf so I've done all the medical follow up/calls, etc)... it's hard, very hard... She once said to me "I'm deaf, not dumb" and she needs to make a shirt with that cause with exception of pre-admit clerk, everyone was so put off by her disability.. more ghhh.. Sorry.. didnt mean to use your blog to say my piece :) Anyway, suspect you'll get my intention.. sigh.. I flippin' hate CANCER.. you're right it is a Mother-fucker and needs to go the hell away! What I have seen is that everyday there are so many new advances. I spoke to a friend who dealt with breast cancer many years ago and was pretty high up in med ctr where this friend will have biopsy (double checking on a-hole surgeons' competency)and she shared how much has changed just in few years since she's dealt with all. My prayer is that if treatment cant completely irradicate cancer now.. that it can keep things at bay long enough because so many things are in the pike right now. I pray SOOOOOOON... cancer will be non-existent....