I promise! I just re-read my post from last night and felt as if I needed to clarify a few things.
First, none of us want to be going down this road.... again. But we are and we are doing our damnedest to make the best of it. When we are all together, we all almost forget what is going on because we still all love each other and have fun together.
Second, just this morning I was telling mom how truly blessed we are. I, especially, consider myself so fortunate. My heart is aching for Jen and Aviana and her family. I cannot imagine what they are going through and what lies ahead for them. I pray for them throughout the day for strength, faith and comfort. I am so honestly blessed.
Third, it just so happens that when I sit down to blog, EVERYTHING comes out that I've been trying to hold in and naturally, it's the ugliness of cancer that I try to keep in, ergo, the shitty stuff is what is transposed most often to my blog. THIS IS NOT THE CASE IN MY REAL LIFE!!!! I feel like the 15-20% of pure fuckups in my life makes up 90% of my blog. Sorry. I guess I should work harder at keeping the good stuff in here too.
Fourth, I just realized that I'm not going to do what my last sentence said. I don't plan out what I'm going to write, I just sit down and the words write themselves. When I used to write short stories and long stories, I never knew where the story was going. I would sit down and just be along for the ride. This is no different. I sometimes sit down and think "I'm going to talk about this and that" and then my fingers hit the keyboard and out comes something entirely different.
Fifth, that's it, that's all, that's all there is. This is a line from a Beastie Boys song (can't remember which one, it's off of the "To The 5 Boroughs" CD) and I keep hearing it over and over in my head. And seriously, it's so true. We're all just plodding along, sometimes flying along, sometimes laboring along and at the end, that's it, that's all, that's all there is. So I am trying to make the best of the ride, no matter how long it lasts, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how GREAT the outcome will be, because at the end, I don't want to think "I should have done this better" or "I wish I would have done that differently". Obviously I will be apologizing to the kids for making the myriad of mistakes that I've made (and continue to make) with them. I will own all of my screw ups. But I never, ever want to have regrets. At the end I want the attitude of "I did all I could do and now, that's it, that's all, that's all there is." Period.