I saw my therapist today for the first time in about two months. It was long overdue and as helpful as it can be under these circumstances. I cried pretty much the entire hour so I guess that was good. My therapist is wonderful and he agreed with my psychiatrist that I have the Catholic guilt down pat. However, since he is Jewish, he understands it. He told me I wasn't wrong (I think I am) in how I am dealing (or not dealing, as the case may be) with everything. I told him how I feel like I've let mom and sissy down because I don't have faith and at times I question if there even IS a God. He said that there is no right or wrong and that it would be weird if I DIDN'T question things right now. He also was very comforting that I'm not going to cause sissy to die if I DON'T have faith. I told him that right now if there is a God, I need him to really show me a huge sign that sissy will be okay because thus far all I've seen is shit. He told me it was ok to doubt, ok to be skeptical and ok to be pissed off. He then proved my point that he and Beya are somehow one person in two different bodies by using the exact words that she used with me a few days ago. They both said that in times like these "we choose to believe what we want to. We have a choice". The words were said in completely different contexts between mom and Dr. B but the words were the same nonetheless. He told me it was ok to choose to question things. He then also told me I need to come in next week and promptly scheduled me. Hmm... wonder why, heehee.
I had started on a post earlier today and worked on it here and there all morning but now it seems so irrelevant so I scrapped it. I'm exhausted tonight. The kids played in the pool(s) all evening and I had a lovely time visiting with sissy. I miss her so much. I miss our lives before all this bullshit happened. I miss everything. So when I see her and she's doing well I try to soak it up as much as possible. Anyway, my whole point of posting tonight was this cute Asa story. Mom called sissy this afternoon to see if Asa wanted to come over to swim. We've had record highs today (100-107, depending on the area) and it was HOT. So sissy answers the phone and mom could hear Asa crying in the background. She of course asked what happened and Trina told mom that Asa had just gotten in trouble. Turns out, when the phone rang, Asa frustratingly asked "who the hell is THAT?" Oh, and here's another one. Yesterday sissy was feeling horrible, she hadn't been able to keep anything down. Valentina and I went over in the evening and sissy told me what had happened earlier in the day. Trina was sitting at the table, head laying down, saying "S-H-I-T, S-H-I-T, S-H-I-T!" really fast, over and over. Like I've said before, we can both spell swear words really fast. Well right after sissy was spell swearing, Asa started saying "s-h-i-t, s-h-i-t, s-h-i-t". I guess that is the end of our potty mouths. And here I always thought it was going to be Valentina that would say the first swear word! Uh oh, I guess Asa has been spending a lot of time with me...... ummmm..... guess I'll let sissy just continue to think it's her fault. After all, she doesn't often have the energy to be on the computer so she doesn't read my blog on a regular basis anyway.
So, now that I've totally sworn off God (kidding), please pray tomorrow while sissy has her CT scans done on her chest, pelvis and abdominal area. I'm hoping he'll show me that he DOES exist and that he IS healing her. I kind of feel it's like an abusive husband situation. The wife keeps going back to him only to continue to be kicked in the gut because she believes he will change. She believes. Period. At what point of being shit on do you say enough is enough? I don't mean to compare God to an abusive husband but it is the only analogy that seems to be working for me. I feel like every time I've had my hopes up and have been really, really strong in faith, we get bad news. So yes, I'm questioning him. I just hope he does exist and he decides to show me in black and white that he IS healing sissy because right now cancer is bullshit.