I wrote a post last night but then deleted it this morning as I thought it might be too negative. However, I thought my analogy of my life seeming like a snow globe was too accurate to be deleted. So just in case I ever forget or have to use it again, I thought I would post that part again.
I feel like my life is a snow globe. Before 05/03, everything was pretty level. The snow had settled to the bottom and life was good. After the diagnosis everything got shaken around and now things that I thought I had figured out are not. Each snowflake is an emotion, a thought, a feeling, a memory and they are banging into each other. I can have three feelings that contradict each other at the same time. It's very exhausting and tiring but I don't see the snow settling anytime soon. I feel like the only thing stationary are the children. They are the statues cemented at the floor of the snow globe. Life continues, normally even at times, for them. I do my best to try to protect them from the flailing, whirling snow. Of course it's inevitable that they do get hit, but they are teaching me on how to become adaptable to the situation that we are all in. I've always had a love of snow globes, in fact one Christmas sissy gave me a giant one that I have always loved and I proudly display it every holiday season. Half the water has leaked out but it never loses it value to me. I just never thought our lives would become a snow globe.
Sissy was pretty sick today, nauseated, but she toughed it out to make it to Grama's for a picnic lunch with the family. The kids love going out there and Beya had decided to take them so sissy wanted to go too. We headed out and made a quick stop at the store to pick up some salads. From there we had to go back to sissy's house as Asa decided he DID want his baseball cap that matched mums. I then had to avert a possible disaster of running out of gas on the freeway by stopping at a gas station. By this time sissy was feeling sick indeed and wasn't sure she was going to be able to make it to Grama's. But she did and even managed to eat a little. They kids had a great time but Trina was ready to leave after eating. She asked me to take the corners a bit slower on the way home. I don't know why, but my Indy 500 driving seems to make her queasy stomach even worse. We dropped her off so she could sleep and headed home. I started in on my stress induced baking mode but after coming up with three different things to make, I ended up making nothing. The batch of chocolate buttercream frosting that I whipped up on a whim Friday has been sitting on the counter, waiting to be used. Yes, Mandy, one day I WILL make whoopie pies!!! I can guarantee you that before sissy is done with chemo I will have made whoopie pies!
Other than that, things are the same. I just talked to sissy and she was feeling better. Evenings are usually the best for her. Hell, they are usually the best for me too as that is when I take my ambien! I am on it right now so I can only hope that most of this post is coherent, although I probably won't remember writing it in the morning. I was surprised this morning when I got on my computer and had an order confirmation email awaiting me. I had AmbiShopped! A dangerous thing to do, but it was actually a gift for someone else and something I had been needing to send, so it turned out for the best, a rare Ambien feat!
Next week we will be in severe need of prayers. New tests, bone scans, brain scans etc... will be done on sissy. The wait for the results is so nerve wracking! Plus it's sissy's week off from chemo and that is usually her bad week. So next week is really going to suck, no two ways about it. Fuck. Oh well, nothing we can do about it but try to put one foot in front of the other and continue to plod along. Yet again I say thank you for our miracle children! We are always calling them our miracles and on the way home today Asa asked me if he was miracle baby. Mom and I immediately assured him that yes, indeed, he is a miracle child. I also explained to him that if it hadn't been for him, we wouldn't have had Valentina. Norm was hell bent against having children, until Asa was born and he fell madly in love with him. It really was because of Asa that he agreed to have a baby. Norm was home when we got home and Asa raced into the living room, climbed on top of Uncle Norm and promptly asked him "Uncle Norm, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have had Valentina?" Norm was quite perplexed at this question as he hadn't been privy to our conversation so I quickly got Norm up to speed and he was able to assure Asa that yes, he was responsible for our miracle baby #2.
Asa also wanted to hear the story of when he was born. He asks for it every few months or so. This time, however, it took everything I had not to cry while remembering every detail of that magical day, night and finally the next morning when he was actually born. It broke my heart knowing that sissy would never again be able to experience what she so desperately wanted and had so cruelly ripped away from her two months ago. A third miracle baby is not to be, so instead we must be grateful for our two miracle children. And grateful we are! I was on the phone with my cousin tonight and I told him that if it weren't for the kids I'd be wanting to mix up the Kool Aid right now! But that is not an option and instead I do my best to take care of them. I try to mother Asa as much as I can, all the while trying not to overstep and become a replacement for his mum. I actually feel that we are in a pretty good groove. I've always considered Asa partly mine anyway, cancer or no cancer. He is my joy and I try to protect him, shield him from anything and everything negative. But when those cracks in my armour appear and "not age appropriate" things touch his life, he always amazes me with his ability to rebound and adapt.
Valentina. Oh, my dear, dear, dearest daughter of mine. How I love you so! She is my twin. Just today sissy remarked that Valentina and I will sometimes talk as if we are more like sisters than mother and daughter. She can frustrate me to no end and yet when she is in the other room and yells out with her deep voice, "MAMA!!!!" then she waits for my "what?" response, she answers with "I LOVE YOU!!!!", all the while never stopping playing with whatever it is that strikes her fancy at that moment. Mom never gets tired of telling me that she is exactly how I was at her age and that it is so much fun to be able to have a front row seat to the ultimate payback!
We finally have time out back in the regime. It took about three days and literally about 100 times dragging her back to her time out zone for it to finally stick. Consistency, consistency, consistency. The same goes for her big girl bed. The strides we've made in the past 10 nights have been amazing. She is still testing,trying to figure out what she can get away with and what she can't. I'm trying to go easy yet maintain a firm upper hand with her to let her know who the boss is, and that it ain't her! It seems to be getting easier, but we'll see.
Well, I guess that's it for now and I'm starting to feel the AmbiStupor wash over me.
Happy weekend everyone!