She hadn't left the house all week except Wednesday (I think?) She came over and it started. She cried and cried that she doesn't want to do any more chemo. My heart broke for her but what I do? I completely shut down and turned into mom mode for the kids. We were getting ready to run some errands (sissy went to have a massage, supposed to help with nausea) so I just got the kids ready to go while I left my sister there to cry by herself. I feel so shitty. I feel so fucking helpless. I feel so fucking angry at cancer. I feel so tired. I feel so sad. I feel so frustrated. I feel like a shitty sister. I feel a loss of control over everything. I feel like I'm flailing. I feel like I'm losing my mind. And most of all I feel as if I have no right to feel any of this because I'm not the one with cancer.
So sissy has been sick. Very tired and nauseated. She's even vomited a few times. I've said it before and I will say it countless times before I'm dead; cancer really fucking sucks. It's so much harder to feel hopeful when she's sick. It's so much harder to go on with daily shit when she's sick. It's so much harder to be happy when she's sick. It's so much harder to deal with shit when she's sick.
My apologies to everyone who I've bitched at, been bitchy to, not called (dude), not responded to emails, everyone who I've dropped the ball on. I'm sorry.
I don't have the energy to sit and write bullshit day to day stuff. I'm sorry this isn't a tickle your side post with musings about the kids. I will, however, say that yet again Asa speaks the truth. And he is so wise. I will end the post in his words:
"Cancer makes me frustrated. Cancer makes me angry."