We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Saturday, August 29, 2009

In Asa's Words

Trina's sick.

She hadn't left the house all week except Wednesday (I think?) She came over and it started. She cried and cried that she doesn't want to do any more chemo. My heart broke for her but what I do? I completely shut down and turned into mom mode for the kids. We were getting ready to run some errands (sissy went to have a massage, supposed to help with nausea) so I just got the kids ready to go while I left my sister there to cry by herself. I feel so shitty. I feel so fucking helpless. I feel so fucking angry at cancer. I feel so tired. I feel so sad. I feel so frustrated. I feel like a shitty sister. I feel a loss of control over everything. I feel like I'm flailing. I feel like I'm losing my mind. And most of all I feel as if I have no right to feel any of this because I'm not the one with cancer.

CANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCER

So sissy has been sick. Very tired and nauseated. She's even vomited a few times. I've said it before and I will say it countless times before I'm dead; cancer really fucking sucks. It's so much harder to feel hopeful when she's sick. It's so much harder to go on with daily shit when she's sick. It's so much harder to be happy when she's sick. It's so much harder to deal with shit when she's sick.

My apologies to everyone who I've bitched at, been bitchy to, not called (dude), not responded to emails, everyone who I've dropped the ball on. I'm sorry.

I don't have the energy to sit and write bullshit day to day stuff. I'm sorry this isn't a tickle your side post with musings about the kids. I will, however, say that yet again Asa speaks the truth. And he is so wise. I will end the post in his words:

"Cancer makes me frustrated. Cancer makes me angry."

6 comments:

Grama said...

Asa is so right.
Praying for a better day today.
So sad to hear Trina is sick and tired of chemo.
We all feel helpless.
Love and prayers for strength.

Andrea said...

((hugs)). Asa is so smart. Cancer makes me angry, too. It's okay to feel angry, love. It sucks to see your best friend so sick no matter what the cause. We're all here for you, and Sissy, and Beya. If you need time to be angry, that's okay with us. We love you always.

mylene said...

I am sorry Cameo for you and Trina. We prayed for Trina in a group today. they were offering to pray for people in the park. Their daughter had an autoimmune disease up until she was about 7. They showed pictures of her and how awful her skin became because of the disease. She was allergic to everything... anyway, they all began to pray for her and fill the house with the word of God constantly being spoken, and demands of healing in the name of Jesus. And she was healed. I saw her. She is like 9 or 10 now and looks perfect. They were sharing their testimony of healing. They gave me a cd and some literature for Trina. I am just waiting until Trina says I can come over. Do not lose faith and hope. Trina WILL be healed... Trina WILL be healed... Hang in there. God bless you and give Trina my love...

URBAN BLONDE said...

I hear you, I so agree with you and I wish I had the power to make the cancer disappear and give you all your fricken life back. sigh.........

Alaska Family said...

We wish we had words for you, but we don’t. We can only imagine how hard it is for you all, knowing that what we feel is so minimal compared to what you are going through. Praying for your strength, love and hugs.

Sonia said...

Trina and all the rest of you are in our prayers every day. God will heal Trina. He understands what you are going through when no one else does. I love you all!