We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Wednesday, August 05, 2009

No Idea

I really have no idea what to post but I know I should write something. Be advised, however, that I took my Ambien about a half hour ago. It will be one of the last times I take it as my doctor didn't like hearing about my amnesia after taking it so he gave me something new. We'll see how that one does.

Sissy has good times and bad times. Today was kind of on the lower end. We did manage to have a girls lunch out with Beya and Darlene (Josh's dad's wife). Darlene and Barry are in town until Saturday morning.

Speaking of Saturday morning, that is the day we will be attending Norm's grandpa's memorial service. I'm not looking forward to it just because, well, it's a memorial for someone that I love very much and unfortunately he is gone now.

I AM, however, looking forward to having my Asa back! It's been so hard to have to give him up to Barry and Darlene for 10 days but I've done it. How I can't wait to have my Asa back!!!!! Valentina has missed him terribly, so hopefully next week things will be back to "new normal" with the exception that Norm's grandma will still be here and I will be spending more time with her, which will be nice.

So, other than that, things are fine. Still in shock over sissy's tumor marker numbers dropping almost in half!!!! 340!!!!! That number honestly never even entered my mind. After the slight dip they took last time I figured they would never get much less than 400, even after the 6 months of chemo. I've been scared that sissy will have to do more than the six months, and she's been afraid of that too. Now? There is a chance she will just have to do the six months. Who knows? It's up to God.

Speaking of God, I'm talking a lot about that subject in therapy. I felt like I didn't have the right to be all giddy and thanking God when the numbers took the plunge since up until that time I've been a bit upset with God and questioning everything. The LAST thing I want to do is be a "fair weather believer". I refuse to use the word "Christian" as I hate it. I'm spiritual (for the most part) and try to live a good life (sometimes). To me, Christian implies church and everything that goes along with it, which is NOT for ME. That said, if it is your thing, by all means, DO IT!!!! But for me, it's wrong. So I'm struggling with my beliefs and doubts and faith and being upset and thankful. My therapist today said my feelings are like a game of twister, it's not like I have one feeling one day and a different one the next. I told him my analogy of a snow globe and he thought they were pretty similar and both very accurate.

Right now I am still having a problem with sissy's birthday. It's the 18th of this month and I keep remembering her plans of all of us going to Vegas, having a big blowout party like we did when I turned 30 (also in Vegas). We were all going to give her a hard time since she was going to be partying it up in Vegas on her 40th birthday, six months pregnant. How things have changed. Now it takes everything she has just to go out to eat. And that's on her GOOD days! And there is no longer any baby. Valentina still prays for Asa's baby. For the most part I've finally gotten passed the longing and aching for our lives pre-May 3rd. That's not to say I don't still want our lives like that, but I'm slowly and very cautiously hoping for a new and improved life and something even better, which I honestly don't think is possible. We were ALWAYS grateful for our health and never took it for granted so it's not like this has taught us to be grateful for that. We haven't gotten any closer, that's not possible, so that lesson has been learned already. And really, I don't want any comments telling me there IS some lesson in this (but understand if there are because I'm the one putting everything out there and I know, and wouldn't want, everyone to have the same beliefs as me) because really, I don't think there is. Sometimes shit happens. No reason. Shit happens. What possible reason could there be for the refugees in Darfur? What possible lesson could there be for the mothers who have no food and have to watch their children suffer and die of starvation? What possible reason is there for all the poverty around the world and lack of ANY health care? There isn't. Shit happens. But for now, I'm looking forward to a day when we have a lot less shit to deal with.

4 comments:

Valerie said...

Happy that Trina's markers went down!

Every insightfull post. Really gets you thinking about everything...

Grama said...

Please remember God loves you UNCONDITIONALLY not just when you are "good" and stops when you are "bad". Think about your relationship with our beautiful Valentina. She pushes your buttons but you love her no matter what.
You are so right that all this is your new "normal". At the rate the markers are going down I am praising God since the sooner these treatments are over the better.
Love all of you so much.

bodegalee said...

I'm so sorry things are so tough..... ok "tough" makes it sound easy. it's a lot more than that and I havent been in your shoes. I am going down this path with a close friend and it sucks- I mean sucks royally and I question things all the time. My thoughts and prayers are with you all - all the time! I'm thrilled to hear about Trinas tumor markers- what fantastic news... the thing you have to remember is that you all have the most incredible family. I mean more than awesome. During good times and bad everyone's there.... I'm saying prayers for all of you.. take good care!~

mylene said...

Maybe things happen to test our compassion and humanity for one another, not necessarily within your family as you are bonded so well, but maybe for all of us out here who witness and learn from your trials and love for each other. After all, life is eternal even though our understanding is limited and our time here is short. Who can possibly explain or understand all the mysteries of God? But one thing is for sure, God is love, unexplainable, powerful, and beautiful love. Dios te bendiga...