We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Deal Or No Deal

That is the question.

Right now I think mom is actually doing the best with dealing with everything. She cries a lot, talks about sissy, just does those "normal" grieving things and yet is in so much pain it physically hurts me.

Me? I think I'm not dealing along with Papa. For the first time Papa is on xanex daily. For me it's nothing new, I've always been on it but I have almost doubled my dosage (ok'd by our psychiatrist). Every time I think of sissy not being here I immediately push that thought out and remember her the last day. I cannot love her as much as I do and wish her back in the state that she was in. Even the state she was in six months ago. But I also don't think it's healthy to constantly be shoving my feelings and thoughts aside. I'm keeping very busy with the business end of things, getting debts wiped out, paperwork for Joshua, getting bills filed for him, etc.... ANYTHING but having to think of the unthinkable. For me it's just like she's sick at home. When she would get really sick, mom would be at sissy's house and I would stay home. So in my mind it's just like that, only mom is here. Whenever I go to their house I still say "I'm going to my sister's house" or "I'm headed to sissy's". Some things I still say in present tense because they won't change, like "she loves Asa so much". Some times I refer to her in present tense because, again, they won't change. "I love her" instead of "loved", "I have a sister" vs. "had". Either way, things suck.

I see my therapist next week along with our psychiatrist. See? I still refer to him as "our" psychiatrist. That won't change, Dr. X will always have been sissy's psychiatrist so he's still "our" doctor.

I really thought I'd be in the fetal position for the next year when this happened, but I'm not. I really thought I'd want to sleep for a year when this would happen, but I don't. I want to stay busy, busy, busy. I have a feeling it will hit me one day out of the blue and hit me hard. Whatever. When it does, I'll deal with it then.

Until then, no deal.


Nicole R. said...

cameo...i admire you so much!

Suzanne said...

I think you are dealing just fine. Each person needs to do whatever helps them get through their grief.

Lilith said...

Of course you love your sister, just because she's no longer on this earth doesn't mean you will stop loving her.

Same goes for having a sister, you still have one, she's just not here anymore.

You have way more courage to get through this than you give yourself credit for.

Deal with what has happened in the way that works best for you.

wy-not said...

Aw Cameo. No two peopl will ever deal with such life-changing grief in the same way. I think your head knows what your heart needs. You'll deal with this in little moments and nanoseconds, if that's what you can handle. Just be good to yourself. Remember that tears are so cleansing, so healing at times. You are all continuously in my thoughts and my prayers.

Kathy said...

Cameo...thank you so much for deciding to add me to read your blog. Just know there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone deals with grief differently. You seem to be handling it the best way you know how at this point and time in your life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your sissy meant the world to you, she will always be your sister and you will always love her even though she is no longer here on earth with you. I continue to do the same with my sister who also passed away from the same awful disease as Trina. Figuring out how to live without is the hard part. I'm still trying to figure that out after over 20 years...

I am so glad you are seeing a therapist, I also did that for a long time after my sister died. It really helped me to sort my feelings out.

Continuing to keep you and your family in my prayers.. Kathy

Beya said...

Baby girl, I think you are doing an amazing job with your grief. We are here for you and love you so very much. You are so special. Love, Mama

Lori said...

Remember in Dec. when I told you that you would become the strong one for them when they needed it? You ARE that now. You may not feel like you are or see that you are but we can see that you are. And your family can feel it and I'm sure they are grateful for it. You are amazing to be doing what you are doing when your urge is to be in the fetal position. THAT is what shows you are an amazing strong woman who puts her family's needs above her own. I just keep coming back to you are amazing!
I love you♥

Cheryl Jones said...

I was thinking exactly everything that Lori said above.
Always in my thoughts,