Right now I think mom is actually doing the best with dealing with everything. She cries a lot, talks about sissy, just does those "normal" grieving things and yet is in so much pain it physically hurts me.
Me? I think I'm not dealing along with Papa. For the first time Papa is on xanex daily. For me it's nothing new, I've always been on it but I have almost doubled my dosage (ok'd by our psychiatrist). Every time I think of sissy not being here I immediately push that thought out and remember her the last day. I cannot love her as much as I do and wish her back in the state that she was in. Even the state she was in six months ago. But I also don't think it's healthy to constantly be shoving my feelings and thoughts aside. I'm keeping very busy with the business end of things, getting debts wiped out, paperwork for Joshua, getting bills filed for him, etc.... ANYTHING but having to think of the unthinkable. For me it's just like she's sick at home. When she would get really sick, mom would be at sissy's house and I would stay home. So in my mind it's just like that, only mom is here. Whenever I go to their house I still say "I'm going to my sister's house" or "I'm headed to sissy's". Some things I still say in present tense because they won't change, like "she loves Asa so much". Some times I refer to her in present tense because, again, they won't change. "I love her" instead of "loved", "I have a sister" vs. "had". Either way, things suck.
I see my therapist next week along with our psychiatrist. See? I still refer to him as "our" psychiatrist. That won't change, Dr. X will always have been sissy's psychiatrist so he's still "our" doctor.
I really thought I'd be in the fetal position for the next year when this happened, but I'm not. I really thought I'd want to sleep for a year when this would happen, but I don't. I want to stay busy, busy, busy. I have a feeling it will hit me one day out of the blue and hit me hard. Whatever. When it does, I'll deal with it then.
Until then, no deal.