Meantime, Asa got registered for spring soccer season. The woman who I talked to today remembered Asa and sissy. She asked how Trina was doing and I told her. The funny thing is, I'm very detached. I can tell people she passed away, I can call and do business and ask them if they need the death certificate, I can say it very matter of fact and not want to cry at all, but in my head I'm talking about someone else. I know there are four or five stages of grief and whatever. I never believed in those and I still have no idea what they are but I'm pretty sure denial is in there. I'd like to think I've skipped ahead to acceptance but for some reason I don't think that's the case.
I also have a difficult time praying. Strike that, I can't pray. I used to pray constantly throughout the day, not just for sissy but for other people too. Now? Now I can't. And I don't think I've mentioned in front of Valentina but she has stopped praying at night too. She used to love to pray and sometimes would pray twice. Now when I say it's time to pray she says "no. Don't pray mama." I can't pray. I feel like there's no point since the only prayer I needed answered wasn't. And please don't tell me "oh, God wanted your sissy home" or "He did answer it, just in a different way". I hate that bullshit. The fact of the matter is, we all begged God to heal her and to make her better and that didn't happen. In fact my very specific prayer was to please heal her and give her another 40 years here on earth. Didn't happen. But I NEED to pray and I NEED to have the faith that sissy had. I NEED to do that for Asa. It's what sissy would want and it's what she would do. I can no longer do what I want to do with Asa, it's my job to do what sissy would do. I have to put that first and sissy would instill in Asa a great amount of faith and love for Jesus. I'm having a hard time with that but I hope that it will come. Someday. I think it's just waiting for the day that my grief hits.