We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Dear Diary

I've started keeping a book for Asa filled with memories that I have of his mum mum. The problem? None of these stories have Asa in them. Mom and I were talking about it tonight and she said that Asa likes to hear stories about mum and him. Mom then asked if I had considered keeping a journal TO sissy. I immediately shot her down saying no way. Well, as I am wont to do, I turned down a wonderful idea from Beya before actually thinking about it. There were sooooo many things tonight, just a regular night, that triggered my memory about things sissy and I have remembered, done or said. I pulled out that white three ring binder I had been keeping for Asa. I sat down and started writing. I wrote down all those little moments that I remembered. And I wrote them down and spoke TO sissy in my musings. Ever since she was diagnosed 8 months ago, I was always fearful of the inevitable; being the last one of our family. It WILL happen. Mom and Papa will go one day and then I'll be the only one. I thought of how this book might be helpful when I'm old and want to reminisce about growing up as I had always thought I would do WITH sissy. I choked up several times but as usual, I keep pushing those feelings away. I told Norm last night "I don't want to do this." He asked what I didn't want to do. I think he figured I was talking about getting caught up with bills. Our bills hadn't been paid in three weeks so it was a pain to get all caught up on them. My answer to his asking what I didn't want to do was simple, "I don't want to deal with all this cancer stuff. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to think about it." The funny thing is, there hasn't been one second of one minute of one hour of one day of one week that CANCER hasn't been at the very front of my mind. It has now turned into that other thing, you know, what happened to sissy, that is at the forefront of my brain. And yet I refuse to deal with it. I can't and I won't.

Meantime, Asa got registered for spring soccer season. The woman who I talked to today remembered Asa and sissy. She asked how Trina was doing and I told her. The funny thing is, I'm very detached. I can tell people she passed away, I can call and do business and ask them if they need the death certificate, I can say it very matter of fact and not want to cry at all, but in my head I'm talking about someone else. I know there are four or five stages of grief and whatever. I never believed in those and I still have no idea what they are but I'm pretty sure denial is in there. I'd like to think I've skipped ahead to acceptance but for some reason I don't think that's the case.

I also have a difficult time praying. Strike that, I can't pray. I used to pray constantly throughout the day, not just for sissy but for other people too. Now? Now I can't. And I don't think I've mentioned in front of Valentina but she has stopped praying at night too. She used to love to pray and sometimes would pray twice. Now when I say it's time to pray she says "no. Don't pray mama." I can't pray. I feel like there's no point since the only prayer I needed answered wasn't. And please don't tell me "oh, God wanted your sissy home" or "He did answer it, just in a different way". I hate that bullshit. The fact of the matter is, we all begged God to heal her and to make her better and that didn't happen. In fact my very specific prayer was to please heal her and give her another 40 years here on earth. Didn't happen. But I NEED to pray and I NEED to have the faith that sissy had. I NEED to do that for Asa. It's what sissy would want and it's what she would do. I can no longer do what I want to do with Asa, it's my job to do what sissy would do. I have to put that first and sissy would instill in Asa a great amount of faith and love for Jesus. I'm having a hard time with that but I hope that it will come. Someday. I think it's just waiting for the day that my grief hits.


Crystal said...

My dear sweet Cameo~~ Thank you sooo much for your invite from the bottom of my heart Thank you for your invite. It is so funny I sat down last night to look up your e-mail address in my mess of an e-mail box :)

I think and pray for you and your family daily and I am forever changed by all of you~~ You are amazing do you know that? You are sooo courageous and strong and the best momma EVER~~ except for Beya of course ;)

Please know I am praying for you and your family~~ and I know so many more people are too you don't worry about anything okay

((((HUGS))))) to you my dear dear friend hugs to you please please know that I am here

michelle j said...

Cameo what a wonderful thing you are doing and the memories you are capturing in your journal, (I will call it) you and Asa will cherish forever! I will continue to pray for you and your family and in time I am sure it will feel right for you also. Hugs from nebraska


laurie said...

Cameo--thank you for inviting me to the blog. You and your family are in my thoughts all the time. I can't imagine how hard these days are and I totally get what you mean. I think you're doing a great thing for Asa, it's a treasure that is so invaluable. WE all did with terrible pain differently, and you will go through whatever twists and turns you need to, and I hope that remembering all of these things about Trina for Asa's journal will bring you laughter and some comfort.
xoxox, laurie


That is wonderful that you are keeping this journal. It never occurred to me to keep a journal of my thoughts when my beloved Moma (my grandmother who was a mother to me) died 31 years ago yet just like you mentioned I would often have memories come across my mind and I never wrote them down. What a treasure your words will be in the future.

I'm so glad Valentina and Asa have each other. I'm so glad Asa has you in his life. How are your Mom and Dad doing?