I've cried a few times, but not even every day. I did, however, have a moment tonight. I was watching the Golden Globe awards. Sissy and I would always watch award shows and call each other whenever someone/something we liked won. As soon as "Mad Men" (one of our fave shows) was announced winner for best drama the phone rang and the caller ID popped up as Josh's name. It was so eerie and yet so normal. Josh was actually calling to find out how sissy cooked this particular thing but the timing was just so bizarre. The fact that I won't hear her voice again making those types of calls again hit me. I went to mom and cried. I finally realized why I'm not crying so much. I'm empty. I feel so totally empty inside. It's like my soul is gone and all that's left is something so broken I can't recognize it. I love my kids and they never fail to make me laugh and they do give me so much joy, but I still feel so empty.
Mom, sissy and I had planned on going to see "It's Complicated" together. We joked that we were all getting old because we thought it looked really good and, well, let's face it, it's not exactly going for the 18-24 year old demographic.
That's never going to happen.
Sure, mom and I can see it but it won't be the same.
I did manage to write the eulogy but it was one of the first times I've ever had writers block. I love to write. I can just sit down and spill my guts. This was different. I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say and didn't know what to say or how to say it. But I finally did. I won't be writing it here, I feel like it's kind of personal although I did read it in front of about 100 people at the service. I saved it and have put it in the "Mum Mum Scrapbook" which is just a three ring binder filled with page protectors and a ream of lined paper. I put in everything Asa might possibly want to read or see as he grows up.
There's no one that can make this better. There's nothing that can fill me up. We've all been completely shattered beyond repair. But we will have to rebuild a new life. It will take a long time and we'll never be the same which is why I say we're broken and cannot be fixed. It's impossible to fix us but we will have to rebuild.
But right now I'm empty.