We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Sunday, January 17, 2010

Empty

The last two weeks have literally been a blur. Each day runs into the next and I have no idea what is going on. Thursday was Valentina's birthday and I completely forgot about it until we had been up for about an hour. This year we are postponing her party until the weekend of February 16th, which is when we received her referral. We may just keep doing that as January now has a black cloud over it and we want to really rejoice and celebrate Valentina's birthday. And like mom said, February 16th is when Valentina was born to US.

I've cried a few times, but not even every day. I did, however, have a moment tonight. I was watching the Golden Globe awards. Sissy and I would always watch award shows and call each other whenever someone/something we liked won. As soon as "Mad Men" (one of our fave shows) was announced winner for best drama the phone rang and the caller ID popped up as Josh's name. It was so eerie and yet so normal. Josh was actually calling to find out how sissy cooked this particular thing but the timing was just so bizarre. The fact that I won't hear her voice again making those types of calls again hit me. I went to mom and cried. I finally realized why I'm not crying so much. I'm empty. I feel so totally empty inside. It's like my soul is gone and all that's left is something so broken I can't recognize it. I love my kids and they never fail to make me laugh and they do give me so much joy, but I still feel so empty.

Mom, sissy and I had planned on going to see "It's Complicated" together. We joked that we were all getting old because we thought it looked really good and, well, let's face it, it's not exactly going for the 18-24 year old demographic.

That's never going to happen.

Sure, mom and I can see it but it won't be the same.

I did manage to write the eulogy but it was one of the first times I've ever had writers block. I love to write. I can just sit down and spill my guts. This was different. I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say and didn't know what to say or how to say it. But I finally did. I won't be writing it here, I feel like it's kind of personal although I did read it in front of about 100 people at the service. I saved it and have put it in the "Mum Mum Scrapbook" which is just a three ring binder filled with page protectors and a ream of lined paper. I put in everything Asa might possibly want to read or see as he grows up.

There's no one that can make this better. There's nothing that can fill me up. We've all been completely shattered beyond repair. But we will have to rebuild a new life. It will take a long time and we'll never be the same which is why I say we're broken and cannot be fixed. It's impossible to fix us but we will have to rebuild.

But right now I'm empty.

11 comments:

Kelly said...

You're right you do have to rebulid but perhaps it will be better because Trina was here, in your life. We are all better for having been touched by someone so beautiful. Sending you such a big hug. I am so sorry

Anonymous said...

my heart breaks for you.. you can build on a new foundation but yes it will never be that way again. If you would like I will hang on to Valentinas and Asa's and Beyas gifts until February..
When I lost my brother I felt that emptiness, however we were never as close as you and Trina were.. I am sending you a hug.. I know it will not help but know that we are here and we will listen .
Hugs and Prayers to all.

MT II

Rhonda said...

Totally understand.

Andrea said...

There's no way I can tell you I know what you're going through. But I can tell you that you have so many friends that will help you find the "new normal", whatever that may be. Sissy touched so many lives, and made such a difference, whether it was for mental health, or for breast cancer (which is now I cause I will FULLY support). We are all here for you, and will love you and your family through this new phase.

Love you much!

Anonymous said...

Well... for the times you can't cry (and I TOTALLY understand) I've just made up for you. as I suspect many have...But I just wanted to say how much I respect you. I've never met you but from the moment I first read your blog ... long before your gorgeous dd came home.. I fell in love with it and your ability to "say it like it is/was".. Not many can do that.. there are so many out there who feel they have to put on the "brave, perfect face".. you never did that. I cant tell you how much I respect that. I wish I could do that more.

Your sissy.. your sister ... would and is proud as HELL for all you've done since she passed and I know will continue to be as you write.. write things that help so many.. so many who struggle. You and She are truly an inspiration. BOTH of you... of courage, faith and persistence! I sooo hope you will continue with your blog.. to share what you're feeling.... because so many can relate but dont have the courage to say it out loud as you do.. You and your sister did amazing things in being fore front and center with so many things.. I hope you will continue.. You both rock.. your families are awesome and continue to pray for all of you...Swseet dreams my cyber friend.. ((hugs))...

Jen said...

Cameo~

This one reduced me to tears. You really struck a nerve with this post. It's the small things that are so damn hard.

I have no idea what it is like for you, or what it will be like, but in my own experience, it seems I do better with the bigger things and without a doubt it is the everyday little things that cause me to come unglued.

When you wrote about the Golden Globes...you broke my heart.

I am so sorry you are feeling so empty inside. I am so sorry that there is no one and nothing that can help.

I am rambling and honestly am at a loss for words right now.

Love you,

Jen

P.S. While Asa is not so lucky to lose his beautiful Mum, he IS so lucky to have you and your wonderful family!

In the future, he will thank you ten fold for all that you are saving for him. What a perfect gift!

Kim said...

I've written...and deleted...and then wrote...and then deleted again.

Nothing I write seems right or adequate.

So, I'll just say that I'm still praying for you guys.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. One day - one hour - one minute - at a time.

Patti B.

Crystal said...

oh my dear sweet Cameo I second what Kim said ...I have written you so many times and deleted it because nothing seems adequate please just know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I love you and your mom to pieces

Valerie said...

Honey, it's ok to feel empty inside. Anyone in the same situation would and does feel the same way. It will take time, but it will happen. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will. Trina would want to that way. I love that you are making a scapbook for Asa, that's the most wonderful gift for him, showing him his Mommy thru you. Love you and hugs.

Alaska Family said...

I was thinking that too, wondering how can our hearts feel full of sadness, when they so empty??

We miss her too, so I cant imagine nearly what you're going though, we just want you to know with certainty, that all of our lives are so much brighter because of her. We love you all so much.