We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Monday, January 25, 2010

Head Shrunk

I saw my therapist today and brought mom along with me. We wanted some insight on what we could do to help Asa. It was a good session and it was great to have mom with me. Dr. B did tell me I'm still shock and that the gravity of the situation won't hit for a few months. Fuck. So it's going to get worse. Blech! I did tell him that I've started keeping a diary TO sissy. Whenever something happens throughout the day that would cause me to call sissy, I sit down and write it out to her. She was my talking buddy. We talked about everything. We could talk and talk and then talk some more. She was the only person who would tell me "sissy, you make me laugh!" simply by just talking to her. I miss that. I miss her.

I had a big cry today before therapy. I started having those feelings again and rather than push them aside I let myself feel them. Yeah, not fun. It didn't make me feel better, it didn't make things better, it didn't wash things out of me. It still sucks and it is still just as unbelievable as January 2nd when she went into the hospital and just as horrific as January 9 when we lost her.

Mom and I talked to Dr. B how nobody can say the right thing. He agreed. He said there is magic word that makes things better. And anyone who says they know how we're feeling is full of shit. They don't know what it's like for ME to lose MY sister. They don't know how MOM feels to lose HER oldest daughter. Nobody knows how ASA feels to lose HIS mum. I told Dr. B that there is no right thing to say but there sure is shit WRONG things to say!!! For example:

* I know exactly how you feel (uh, no you don't)
* Just think, you'll see her again in heaven (how the hell does that help me for the next 40 years?)
* She's in a better place now (really? I didn't know that!)
* At least she's not hurting anymore (no shit sherlock, but she still wasn't YOUR sister!)
* One day you'll see the reason for this (seriously, if I hear this one one more time, I will smack that person. SHIT HAPPENS!!! There is NO REASON for the shit that happens all over the world)
* God needed another angel to help him (I thought God didn't need help?)

There, I think I've probably pissed off everyone and if you don't want to read this anymore, I'm fine with that. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. That said, there have been a handful of people who have been very helpful. I won't name them because some won't be happy that they didn't make the cut so instead I will leave it blank and you all know who you are.

So there. You got my full wrath. My sister died. If I have to deal with that, you can deal with my angry posts.

8 comments:

The Vuki Family said...

Cameo-

I understand these same feelings that you're having. I don't know what it's like to lose your sissy, but I do know what it's like to lose mine. I'm so sad that you have been put in a place that you now have to feel some of those familiar and similar feelings that I've felt for the last 3 yrs. It does suck, and it is awful....but may I say to you, I'm mourning with you and for you too, because I do understand some of those same feelings that you're feeling right now. This is actually very therapeutic for me sounds morbid I know, but someone is feeling what I'm feeling, thanks for your post. Many days I'd like to write all of those same things you've written. Thanks.

--Tiffany Sac, Ca

Kathy said...

Life just totally sucks sometimes! You have every right to be angry, she was your beloved sissy. And you're right, there isn't anything anybody can say or do to make you or the situation any better. Just know there are some of us out here ready to listen to whatever rantings you may have to say. Let it all out Cameo, don't keep it inside. I am so sorry this happened to you and your family.

wy-not said...

Well said, Cameo. You nailed it. Grief is personal and unique and our own. Nobody can judge how your profound sadness and grief should feel, or what you should do. As for me, I am closer in age to Beya and Papa and in fact am likely older than they are. I have seen much grief in my days, enough to know that it commands its own course. I came very late to your blog, through reading and praying for young Abby Riggs (which of course I still am!). But I felt a deep sadness of my own that I wasn't able to know Trina better. I spent a good part of yesterday afternoon going back in time, visiting with her through the happy days of her own blog. She touched me so deeply with her utter love for Asa, Joshua, her sissy, Norm, Vali, Beya and Papa. I do hope that when somebody is feeling up to it, that they are able to preserve her words or print them somehow, to save for those dark days when you need to "hear her voice" again. I have tears running down my face as I type this. I am sad beyond words at your loss. May God be with you, hold you, comfort you. Words fail me....

Cameo said...

wy-not, I am in the process of making her blog into a book for Asa. It's already been done online but I'm going thru and formatting it correctly before I pay to print it. It has been kind of nice to go thru and read 2-3 pages a night, I can't do more than that. But yes, that is something I feel strongly about especially since I had a wedding album made and printed for their 1 year anniversary and Asa LOVES looking through it! I just might order 2 of them, one for him and 1 for me.

wy-not said...

I am so glad to know that, Cameo. Who could ever imagine when they're blogging for fun or for therapy, that one day those words would mean so much. It is a wonderful legacy that Trina left for Asa (and the rest of you) to hold onto. But I can sure understand that it must be so difficult and painful for you though... wow. God bless you!

xoxo and hugs

Sandy

URBAN BLONDE said...

You could never piss me off. I can't even wrap my head around any of the shit that's been going on these days. I can certainly deal with understandably angry posts.

The same week that Trina died, my daughter had two friends die unexpectedly. One on January 6th from a brain aneurysm and one on January 7th was hit by a car and killed on the way to work. Both of them were only 34 years old. What the fuck??? We've had two funerals to attend of people who like Trina had their whole lives in front of them.

So no magic words coming from me. I don't think I'll ever understand why.

Angie said...

Hugs Cameo.

Crystal said...

You are so very very precious do you know that?--oh my dear sweet Cameo ((((HUGS)))) to you my precious friend hugs to you

I can't even imagine right now what you are going thru and at times I have come to your blog not knowing what to say but just wanting to reach right thru the computer and give you a big ole hug and just cry with you~~~

please know I have not stopped praying for you and your family sweet Cameo ((((HUGS)))))