We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Friday, January 29, 2010

Hibernating

I've come to realize that these past three weeks I have been in shock. I have been numb. I have not been feeling.

That has worn off.

Reality is setting in that my life will have to go on......without sissy. The very thought of it makes me physically gag and want to vomit.

These past two days have been hard, each one harder than the previous. Mom said today that our family is smashed. I don't share that analogy, for me it's more foreign. It's like we're all still the same people but we've been dropped into another world, one that outwardly looks like the one we had before yet our insides don't match up with our bodies. Our outsides look the same, the outside of our bodies, house, car, rooms, everything appears the same yet inside we are totally different and now we have to adjust and it is all so very, very foreign. You know how you feel when you go to another country and your trying to learn the language enough to get by, you're in a different "home", i.e. hotel, and everything is very different and it should be, you're in a different country. It's like that, only we're in our homes and going to the same stores, doing the same things, being with each other and they too are different yet the same.

So after three weeks, I've come to the horrible realization that these new, awkward, unknown insides will not go away and that I have to learn to TRY to function. I've broken down about 3 times today. I can no longer say "I can get through today without her. Today I can do it." It has now become "I must get through this second, this second is what I have to do."

I miss the shock and numbness that falsely told me that we could do this and just step up and start living again.

Reality tells me that this new inside will never be the same. Our insides will never again match our outsides.

I'm slowly reading through sissy's blog and can get through about 10 posts a day, when I read it. I can't even do it every night. But I am reading it and will then have it printed into a book for Asa. I'm going to order a second one for me to have.

Anyway, the whole point of my post is this: I'm going into hibernation. I'm retreating to my family, our smaller family of seven. We will never physically be eight again. So I need to bunker down and try to deal with our new insides with them. I know I'll be back, it could be Monday, it could be a week from Monday, it could be tomorrow. I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

4 comments:

michelle j said...

I dont post often but I check in on you daily. I'll be thinking of you and your family. Take care.
michelle from nebraska

Farrah said...

That was absolutly beautiful Cams...
Were here if you need us, One day at a time....

HUGS

wy-not said...

One day, one moment, one breath at a time… one foot ever-so-slowly in front of the other… whatever you need to do to make the days go by, Cameo, your blogger supporters love you and will be here waiting whenever your spirit lets you return. Still holding you up in prayers for peace and comfort.

(((((hugs))))))

Sandy

URBAN BLONDE said...

Cameo, My thoughts and prayers are with all of you still. I'm not in good shape myself these days so forgive me if I'm a shitty friend. it's not because I don't care, I'm having a hard time dealing with all of this. What you've been going through and what's been happening here. How do you make sense of things that make no sense? i wish I knew. I'm so glad you have your close family. If I didn't have my wonderful family too I'd shudder to think how I would be coping now.

Hugs
xx