We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Friday, January 15, 2010

It's Over

The service is over. There were about 100 people there and it was exactly what sissy had wanted, graveside only, no music, very low key. I did not want to cry and although I choked up a few times I did not drop one tear. I can fall apart by myself. I can fall apart with mom. I can fall apart with papa. But I am unable to fall apart or even cry with anyone else. My grief is unbelievably personal and it's something that is mine and mine alone. No one else is able to grieve her as their sister, no matter how close they were to her. I know that everyone grieves in their own way, just like everyone deals with cancer differently. There is no "right" way to deal with cancer (despite some people telling me that I was doing it wrong) and there is no "right" way to grieve. A very wise woman told me today "grief is selfish and you need to do it the way you need to do it."

Joshua wrote the most beautiful, eloquent, perfect tribute to his princess. I was so proud of him. Asa was wonderful. Two different people who were in Asa's line of sight during the service said that every time Trina's name was mentioned Asa just got the biggest smile as if he were so proud so his mum mum. I can't say enough about what a fabulous job Joshua is doing with him. Joshua is able to take some time off work to stay at home and just spend time with Asa which I'm very grateful for.

Joshua's dad and his wife leave Tuesday and they will be the last ones to leave. It is then that the hard work starts. It is then that our everyday lives begin.....without sissy. It is then that reality will set in. It is then that things will be so unbelievably difficult and unreal. It is then that our new normal must start.

Again, thank you to everyone who has left comments, prayed, sent positive energy, well wishes, etc......

I don't want auto pilot to end.

11 comments:

Robyn said...

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!! (((HUGS)))

Andrea said...

You're right-there is no right or wrong way to grieve Sissy. You do what YOU need to do, and the rest of us will be here for you.

Wish I could have been there. Love you Cams.

Kelly said...

Grieving sucks and you need to do it the way you need to do...Love and Hugs

Mandy said...

I completely agree, you need to grieve in your own way and there is no right way to do it. You were all in my thoughts yesterday. Love to you all.

Karen D. said...

You are right. There is no right - or wrong - way to grieve. It is personal and unique to each person and each situation. You do need to do it and deal with it in your way and in your time. You and your family have been and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!

Love and prayers,
Karen

mommymeezer said...

I cried when I read your post...I have been thinking of your family especially Asa...hang in there.

Allison

Anonymous said...

Grieving in your own way ,is the right way, every single person grieves differently.. my prayers and hugs and love are with you all. I will see you soon I promise.

Hugs,
MT II

erinberry said...

John Lennon said, "Whatever gets you thru the night -'salright, 'salright." I keep that in mind every time I'm experiencing a difficult time. Just do what YOU need to do to get through it.

Carolyn said...

You're right. Grieving is definitely personal. You handle your grief in whatever way is most comfortable for you. You and your family are in my thoughts, always. I pray for peace and strength as you move forward.

Carrie said...

I will pray for you and your family as you go off auto pilot. Yes, that is the hard part--when the numbness ends and reality sets in. Asa and Joshua sound amazing. I am glad he has special time with his son.

You do need to grieve in your own personal and private way. Nobody can tell you how. You will grave everyday in your own way.

Jen said...

Hi! Thank you for your post. You grieve and think about cancer however you please.

Every time Dave and I are dealing with our grief in our own way....we say or think,

"Whatever, whatever...I do what I want!"

For your entertainment.....

http://www.truveo.com/Cartman-Whateva/id/3866907173

Every since Aviana's accident, I have never appreciated "comic relief" more!