I saw her briefly today. She doesn't look like the same person. She is very, very jaundiced and the "whites" of her eyes are pure yellow. It's quite Halloween-ish.
She still has lucid moments but for the most part she babbles nonsense. When I walked into her room today she looked great! It was almost like my old sissy. But she quickly turned back into "hospital sissy".
Her red blood cell count is now at 10, which is decent. It was down to 7. However, her biliruben count doubled overnight. What that means is that her liver is unable to process things so the bile goes back into her bloodstream. The doctors refer to this as a result of her "liver disease" aka her liver is so full of cancer it can't function.
I've been saying for the past eight months that to lose my sister is unfathomable. To have to watch my parents lose their daughter would be even worse. But the most horrific thing that I don't think I could handle is to see Asa lose his mum. THAT is what would do me in.
He's been staying with us since Saturday and we've turned the office/guest room into his room. He had Hebrew school tonight and as we were walking to the car to leave for school he asked me if he had to spend the night with us again. I could hear in his voice that he really didn't want. I told him that yes, he'd be staying with us tonight and probably for a few more days. I tried to lighten the mood by telling him to think of it as a fun sleepover.
I've also made a point to never cry in front of him. I have not cried once in his presence in the past eight months. I damn near lost it tonight when I picked him up from Hebrew school. As he was getting himself buckled up in the car he asked me if mum was home from the hospital yet. I told him no and then had to swallow my wracking sobs that were aching to be released when he said "I wish mum was home already."
I am doing my damnedest to make his life as normal as possible and to do what sissy would want. I know I could never take her place but even more than that, I don't want to HAVE to try to take her place.
And I worry so for Joshua. He is so quiet and keeps things inside. He always has been very private but my heart feels like it is physically breaking for him and Asa.
Tomorrow sissy's oncologist will see her and let us know how she is doing and what will happen next.
We are in desperate need of a miracle and time is rapidly running out.