We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Psychiatrist? Check

Went and saw our psychiatrist today. I always made appointments for sissy and me to piggyback each other and we'd just go in together and each say our thing. Sometimes our time would overlap, it just depended on who was more crazy that day :) Luckily we had each gone on alone in the past because otherwise I don't know how I would have been able to go in there, go down the steps, see his dogs, sit on that couch, see his desk, alone. Without sissy. Without my psychiatrist buddy. It was still a bit odd sitting in the waiting room by myself, but I did start cracking up out loud remembering something that sissy and I had seen one time there. I was sitting on one side of the waiting room, sissy was on the other (it's a tiny room so sometimes there weren't two chairs next to each other so we'd have to split up) and in between us was a woman. Just a woman. Reading a magazine. And then she started to cry. And it got worse. In the span of about a minute she was full on "ugly" crying. Sissy and I just looked at each other and tried so hard not to laugh. We cracked up together after our appointment but the reason we laughed was because WE HAD EACH BEEN THAT WOMAN IN THE PAST!!!! There have been many a doctors waiting room that has seen our tears. Later this afternoon when I was reviewing my appointment with mom, I told her how I had started laughing and why. She was horrified that sissy and I would laugh. Mom said "did you ask the woman what was wrong?" I looked at mom and exclaimed "SHE WAS IN A PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE!!!! I DON'T THINK SHE NEEDED OUR HELP, SHE NEEDED A PROFESSIONAL AND SHE WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE!"

So back to me, heehee.... my appointment went well. Dr. H told me how special sissy had been and how he had felt a connection with her (platonic, remember, he's gay) and I told him that everyone felt that way with her, in fact one of her doctors had gone to her funeral. I told Dr. H that mom was concerned that I wasn't crying. It's true. I don't really cry, but that's not to say I'm not constantly thinking of her. I described it to mom as I have peel away the veil of sissy to even see what is right in front of me, to see my hand, to see Valentina, to see the computer screen I'm typing on right now. There is a constant veil of sissy with me. I also told Dr. H about my diary to sissy and that it is helpful to me. There are many times throughout the day where I think "oh I can't wait to tell her that!" and I do. I write it down in my diary to her. Sometimes I write at night, sometimes I jot things down several times a day, it depends. And I write it as if I'm having a conversation with her. I told Dr. H that I don't think about the future, I think of today. Today I can get by without her. Today I can do this without her. Today I can run errands with mom. It's the future that gets me. When I think of Asa starting school, or graduating, or his prom, or getting his license, or going to Disneyland, or Valentina's first dance, or her first day of school, or her wedding (shit, now I'm crying), or getting old without her, losing our parents and having to go through it by myself, not having her to lean on, not having her to talk about our childhood when we get old, THAT is what gets me. THAT is when I lose it. THAT is when it becomes unbearable. THAT is when I realize the nightmare we're in will not leave. So for now I get through today. Today is all I can handle. Dr. H said that was a fine way to do it. He also said the stages of grief and the order in which they come in are bullshit. My therapist said the same thing also. There is no right way, there is no wrong way, there is no textbook, there is no shortcut, there is NOTHING that makes this easier. Nothing.

So that's it. We're all just stumbling around, doing our best, LIVING for the kids. Mom asked me this morning how I was doing. I said "eh, the same" and we agreed that right now everything we do is for the kids. We owe it to them to not mope around, to not be hysterically crying all day. We do cry sometimes, we do say we miss mum, TT, sissy, but we also laugh. Mom said she cried to papa today asking how we're going to get through a holiday again. I said "the kids." We're doing Valentina's birthday party in 2 weeks and I'm DREADING it. It's going to be a highly emotional day. I just keep remembering Valentina's last party and how sissy had announced that day that she was pregnant. This birthday party is going to be very, very different, but I owe it to the kids, especially Valentina, to make it be as happy, fun and joyful as possible, after all we are CELEBRATING her life and like Rose says,

I will not be licked by tragedy as life is a challenge and we must continue to work for the living as well as mourn for the dead.


Kathy said...

Cameo....I know there is not anything I can say or do to make you feel any better. But please know I am continuing to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. My heart breaks for all of you - cancer is so evil and destructive, I HATE it so much!

wy-not said...

All I can say is, thank God for those kids. They give you all a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I like to think that Trina is watching over all of you, and knowing that if she were the one left to face life without her sissy, she'd be feeling just the same way you do. Love is a powerful motivator and I hope it will help you inch your way through these days.