So back to me, heehee.... my appointment went well. Dr. H told me how special sissy had been and how he had felt a connection with her (platonic, remember, he's gay) and I told him that everyone felt that way with her, in fact one of her doctors had gone to her funeral. I told Dr. H that mom was concerned that I wasn't crying. It's true. I don't really cry, but that's not to say I'm not constantly thinking of her. I described it to mom as I have peel away the veil of sissy to even see what is right in front of me, to see my hand, to see Valentina, to see the computer screen I'm typing on right now. There is a constant veil of sissy with me. I also told Dr. H about my diary to sissy and that it is helpful to me. There are many times throughout the day where I think "oh I can't wait to tell her that!" and I do. I write it down in my diary to her. Sometimes I write at night, sometimes I jot things down several times a day, it depends. And I write it as if I'm having a conversation with her. I told Dr. H that I don't think about the future, I think of today. Today I can get by without her. Today I can do this without her. Today I can run errands with mom. It's the future that gets me. When I think of Asa starting school, or graduating, or his prom, or getting his license, or going to Disneyland, or Valentina's first dance, or her first day of school, or her wedding (shit, now I'm crying), or getting old without her, losing our parents and having to go through it by myself, not having her to lean on, not having her to talk about our childhood when we get old, THAT is what gets me. THAT is when I lose it. THAT is when it becomes unbearable. THAT is when I realize the nightmare we're in will not leave. So for now I get through today. Today is all I can handle. Dr. H said that was a fine way to do it. He also said the stages of grief and the order in which they come in are bullshit. My therapist said the same thing also. There is no right way, there is no wrong way, there is no textbook, there is no shortcut, there is NOTHING that makes this easier. Nothing.
So that's it. We're all just stumbling around, doing our best, LIVING for the kids. Mom asked me this morning how I was doing. I said "eh, the same" and we agreed that right now everything we do is for the kids. We owe it to them to not mope around, to not be hysterically crying all day. We do cry sometimes, we do say we miss mum, TT, sissy, but we also laugh. Mom said she cried to papa today asking how we're going to get through a holiday again. I said "the kids." We're doing Valentina's birthday party in 2 weeks and I'm DREADING it. It's going to be a highly emotional day. I just keep remembering Valentina's last party and how sissy had announced that day that she was pregnant. This birthday party is going to be very, very different, but I owe it to the kids, especially Valentina, to make it be as happy, fun and joyful as possible, after all we are CELEBRATING her life and like Rose says,
I will not be licked by tragedy as life is a challenge and we must continue to work for the living as well as mourn for the dead.