We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Today? Today I Coudln't Get Through

Today was the first day that Grama has had the kids and Beya and I have had the day to ourselves. Alone. Just the two of us. We decided to stick as much as possible to our regular schedule. We went to Wal Mart (shhh.... don't say anything, they aren't union) and after meeting up with mom at the register area she asked me how many times I had felt like falling to my knees and sobbing. I answered truthfully and said I was ok. It was just the same as any other day, today I can get by without her. We decided to hit Target also as I was looking for a two step stool for the bathroom. Halfway to Target I started crying. By the time we pulled into a parking spot both mom and I had lost it. We sat there crying for a while. I wanted to tell mom "I can't do today. Today I can't make it. Today is too hard." But both Beya and I managed to pull ourselves together and make it into the store. We found some awesome deals but I no longer felt that high in finding a perfect gift for 75% off. I didn't even take joy in getting Valentina her birthday gift for $15, normally $60. I was relieved to have it done but by the time we got into the car I looked at mom and said "this day has been draining in every way possible." She had to agree. I told her that I don't like to be away from the kids. The kids give me purpose, the kids give me motivation, the kids make me laugh, the kids make me go on.

On the way out to Grama's Asa looked sad so mom asked him what was wrong. Asa said "I'm worried." When mom asked him what he was worried about, Asa replied "that mum died." We talked about sissy a while and then the moment left...... outwardly, but inside we were all thinking of her, just like always.

Over the weekend I ran across "Evan Almightly". I remember sissy had told me it was much better than the first one and that it was the type of movie that if it was on, she could always sit down and watch it. I decided to watch it for her so I'd have something to talk to her about, whether I liked it or not. I actually heard a few profound quotes in it. This is from a scene of "God" talking to Evan's wife who has left Evan because she thinks he's gone crazy for building an ark. Here is what I loved:

"If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience, or does he give them the opportunity to be patient.

If they prayed for courage does God give them courage or does he give them opportunity to be courageous.

If someone prayed for the family to be closer do you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings or does He give them opportunities to love each other."

So I've been thinking of those sayings. First off, it isn't possible for us to become closer. Impossible. Our family is already as tight as one family can be. I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E!!!!!! I know that as sure as I'm sitting here. Nothing changed (closeness wise) after sissy was diagnosed and nothing changed (closeness wise) after she passed. And we don't love each other any more either. That, too, is impossible. But I do believe in those sayings. They are no Rose Kennedy words, but I like them just the same.

So today? Today I didn't think I could make it. Today was probably one of the worst I've had since sissy passed. Today was horrible. Today was overwhelming. Today was hell. But I made it.

I made it.


Dutch said...

I am just so sad for all of your broken hearts. Asa being worried. So indescribably sad. There are no words to say.
Debbie (Skylar's Onnie, Kel's Mom)

wy-not said...

… and here on the sidelines, silently helpless but wanting desperately to help in some small way, is your 'cheering' section. You made it through that hellish day, and good for you. Good for Beya. "Just for today" sounds like a mantra you can cling to, just to keep you afloat. One step at a time, one breath at a time, if that's what it takes. If there was a way to help you carry this grief, your blog readers would do it for you. Being powerless is a sad thing. You're constantly in my prayers.


Kathy said...

Cameo...Life just isn't fair sometimes, is it? Reading your blog and seeing what you and your family are going through brings back so many awful memories remembering the HELL my sister went through during her illness from that awful BEAST "Cancer', and still go through since she has passed. I get so ANGRY thinking about how many lives that awful MONSTER has taken!! Some people always say (like you have said before)..."in time you will hurt less", "at least she is not hurting anymore" or "be thankful she is in a much better place". Unfortunately what they don't know is - yes in time (lots of time) we may cry less, and yes we are thankful they are not hurting anymore. But DAMN IT, it doesn't make it any easier not having them here with us on earth! We still wish like CRAZY they were still here! The hurt, the pain, the terrible sadness and yearning for them never truly goes completely away. It's been over 20 years like I have told you before that my sister has passed, and it still hurts like HELL inside! You, like myself, will always love and miss our beautiful sisters. And always, always, always wish things could have been different and still have them here with us no matter how beautiful and heavenly the place they have gone to may be! It just isn't FAIR....not fair for Asa who is so young and who has to grow up without his loving mum, or Josh who has to live without his beautiful wife or you and your mom and dad who have to live without your wonderful Trina. Just know there are a few of us blog readers who care and are here to listen to whatever you need to say whether it be about a hellish day or not. Talk...SCREAM...YELL whatever you need to do or say! I promise there will be no judging. It sounds like you are truly blessed with such a wonderful family - how lucky and fortunate you all are to have each other. Continuing to keep you and your family, especially little Asa in my prayers.

Love, Kathy