On the way out to Grama's Asa looked sad so mom asked him what was wrong. Asa said "I'm worried." When mom asked him what he was worried about, Asa replied "that mum died." We talked about sissy a while and then the moment left...... outwardly, but inside we were all thinking of her, just like always.
Over the weekend I ran across "Evan Almightly". I remember sissy had told me it was much better than the first one and that it was the type of movie that if it was on, she could always sit down and watch it. I decided to watch it for her so I'd have something to talk to her about, whether I liked it or not. I actually heard a few profound quotes in it. This is from a scene of "God" talking to Evan's wife who has left Evan because she thinks he's gone crazy for building an ark. Here is what I loved:
"If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience, or does he give them the opportunity to be patient.
If they prayed for courage does God give them courage or does he give them opportunity to be courageous.
If someone prayed for the family to be closer do you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings or does He give them opportunities to love each other."
So I've been thinking of those sayings. First off, it isn't possible for us to become closer. Impossible. Our family is already as tight as one family can be. I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E!!!!!! I know that as sure as I'm sitting here. Nothing changed (closeness wise) after sissy was diagnosed and nothing changed (closeness wise) after she passed. And we don't love each other any more either. That, too, is impossible. But I do believe in those sayings. They are no Rose Kennedy words, but I like them just the same.
So today? Today I didn't think I could make it. Today was probably one of the worst I've had since sissy passed. Today was horrible. Today was overwhelming. Today was hell. But I made it.
I made it.