Life is hard.
The only thing that helps is our family. Our smaller, immediate family, specifically two little members of our family. When I have both children, I feel like life can go on. When I don't have Asa, it's a bit harder but Valentina definitely lightens the load, but when I don't have either one of them? Life seems pretty much impossible when I don't have them.
Papa has a lot of friends and family members call him to ask how we are doing. He just gives a generic "we're fine, we're doing fine, no problem" answer. That answer could not be further from the truth. I think he says what he does so that he doesn't have to talk about the horrible truth, we're shitty, we're hurt beyond repair, we're broken and most of all, NOTHING helps. NOTHING.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of retrospecting (if that's a word and apparently it is since spell check didn't bitch at me for using it). I talked to mom about it today and we both feel the same.
I have peace.
I have no regrets.
There is nothing that I wish I could go back and do differently.
I know that sissy knew exactly how much I love her because she loves me the same way.
So that is something to be thankful for. And looking back, if we had been told on May 3rd, the day she was diagnosed, that she had 8 months to live, I can honestly say that I don't think any of us would have done one thing different. The only thing I think that might have changed is I think sissy would have done her damnedest to make it to Disneyland with Asa. But overall I consider us fortunate because we can go on, difficult as it will be, knowing that we all did our best and we lived life as best as we could and that NONE of us have any regrets.
We have peace.
That is not to say that things don't happen that cause me to completely lose it. Thursday and Friday were both very difficult for me. Thursdays are now hell as the kids stay with Grama for a few hours. Before, us three girls would drop them off and figure after 4 hours Grama needed a break so we tried to not leave them there longer than 4 hours. Now? Now mom and I are constantly checking the clock asking "when can we go get them? Can we go now? Let's go to this store and THEN enough time should have passed that we can go pick them up." Life is just unbelievably hellish when we don't have the kids. We were shopping at one store and I was on the phone with Holly when a song by Coldplay came on. I panicked because I knew I had to get out of the store ASAP if I wanted any chance of having my breakdown in the safety of my own car instead of out in the open. I pretty much hung up on Holly mid sentence, sprinted out of the store and nearly mowed someone down who was standing next to the door. After that mom and I spent about a half hour just driving around, trying to figure out where we were going to have lunch. The whole time we were eating I was on edge, just hoping that the next song wouldn't be on my strict "DO NOT PLAY" playlist.
So yes, life is hell. It's still unbelievable. For eight months we went around asking ourselves "is this real? Is this really happening?" Now we will spend the rest of our lives asking the same questions, only there will be one less person asking along with us.
So there you have it, in a nut tree since a nut shell isn't enough.
It's hard. It's difficult. It's unbelievably horrifying. And nothing helps. Nothing.
I do have a handful of people who are always there for me. Most of them have lost someone very close to them so they have an idea of what I'm going through. Although each situation is different, each person reacts differently but like Stacey always says, "loss is loss, pain is pain."
So that is how we are doing.