Asa is sick right now. The first time he's been sick since he lost his dear mum mum. Everyone knows when they're sick all they want is their mother. I'm still the same way. Sissy was obviously the same way. Poor Asa has to deal right away being sick without a mom.
I was in the drive through pharmacy, picking up my xanex (the irony, oh the irony) when a song by The Killers came on. The pharmacist was in the middle of his spiel when the speakers filled with just one of the many songs that I'm not emotionally ready to hear yet. I couldn't hit the power button fast enough but it still sent me into big, wracking sobs, with my hand over my face, trying desperately to appear somewhat sane so the pharmacist would at least give me my drugs. A miracle happened and he did hand over my meds so I was able to pull off to the side and sob. I can't listen to anything by The Killers, Coldplay, INXS, U2 or anything that was played at their wedding.
The Superbowl. Oh man, one of sissy's favorite TV days. She usually had the party at her house. She is a big, big, big football fan so she always knew everything about both teams. Now we are less than a week away from having to do our very first Superbowl party without their number one fan.
Valentina's birthday party. To say I'm dreading it would be an understatement. But I'm doing it because SHE deserves it. ASA deserves it. They both deserve to have a fun, happy party. A dear friend of Asa's is coming (thank you Laurie) so I know that he will be very happy. This would be difficult enough to do six months from now, but to have it so close is just sucky, especially since I have one scene running through my mind constantly when I think about it. Just before sissy went to the hospital Valentina was sitting on the potty (training sucks and I miss so badly being able to call sissy and have her give me tips and help and encourage me and just to have by my side) and to take her mind off of going potty, I brought up her birthday party. She started asking who all was going to be there, Grama? Yes. Grampa? If he doesn't have to work. Chad? I'm sure. Joshua? If he can. Asa? Of course. TT? Definitely! She wouldn't miss it for the world! Fuck.
And these aren't counting the countless mini bombs that go off daily. Grief does come in waves, only the tide never goes out, it just depends on how big the wave will be. I can be in the midst of a small one, one that I think I can handle when a big slams into me out of the blue.
This really fucking sucks. And it just keeps getting worse.