We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Land Mines

It seems every time I turn around there's a "sissy land mine" just waiting to explode. Individual things that just on their own are difficult enough to deal with, but it seems like these damn land mines are going off willy nilly.


Asa is sick right now. The first time he's been sick since he lost his dear mum mum. Everyone knows when they're sick all they want is their mother. I'm still the same way. Sissy was obviously the same way. Poor Asa has to deal right away being sick without a mom.


I was in the drive through pharmacy, picking up my xanex (the irony, oh the irony) when a song by The Killers came on. The pharmacist was in the middle of his spiel when the speakers filled with just one of the many songs that I'm not emotionally ready to hear yet. I couldn't hit the power button fast enough but it still sent me into big, wracking sobs, with my hand over my face, trying desperately to appear somewhat sane so the pharmacist would at least give me my drugs. A miracle happened and he did hand over my meds so I was able to pull off to the side and sob. I can't listen to anything by The Killers, Coldplay, INXS, U2 or anything that was played at their wedding.


The Superbowl. Oh man, one of sissy's favorite TV days. She usually had the party at her house. She is a big, big, big football fan so she always knew everything about both teams. Now we are less than a week away from having to do our very first Superbowl party without their number one fan.


Valentina's birthday party. To say I'm dreading it would be an understatement. But I'm doing it because SHE deserves it. ASA deserves it. They both deserve to have a fun, happy party. A dear friend of Asa's is coming (thank you Laurie) so I know that he will be very happy. This would be difficult enough to do six months from now, but to have it so close is just sucky, especially since I have one scene running through my mind constantly when I think about it. Just before sissy went to the hospital Valentina was sitting on the potty (training sucks and I miss so badly being able to call sissy and have her give me tips and help and encourage me and just to have by my side) and to take her mind off of going potty, I brought up her birthday party. She started asking who all was going to be there, Grama? Yes. Grampa? If he doesn't have to work. Chad? I'm sure. Joshua? If he can. Asa? Of course. TT? Definitely! She wouldn't miss it for the world! Fuck.

And these aren't counting the countless mini bombs that go off daily. Grief does come in waves, only the tide never goes out, it just depends on how big the wave will be. I can be in the midst of a small one, one that I think I can handle when a big slams into me out of the blue.

This really fucking sucks. And it just keeps getting worse.


wy-not said...

One thing I know to be true... every single land mine, every wave, every mini-bomb that goes off, is another tribute to your beautiful sister. The wracking pain in your heart is a salute to the love you both share together. I hope sometimes, maybe not yet but soon, that you can feel a whisper close by and know that she's still there, as close as your own heartbeat. Heartache sucks. Grief hurts! I think it maybe hurts more than anything else I can think of. One moment at a time...



The Vuki Family said...

Taking one day at a time. It's been almost 4 years since my sister left us...I'm still sad over the whole deal, but the pain has subsided. It takes TIME. I remember one of my friends who lost her mother saying to me let TIME help you with the pain, and I thought she was absolutely crazy! You know what though? TIME does really help with that broken heart. Time doesn't take the sadness and loneliness of losing your best friend, it doesn't forget the memories, it just subsides the pain in your body and mind. I've got your back girl, for I know and understand that familiar pain you're feeling. Hang in there.
--Tiff Vuki


Land mines.... what an accurate description...

I know you will be there for Asa when he needs you, I know you want to be there, and I know you will throw Valentina the best party ever. You are so strong Cameo, even when you don't feel it. Love is so amazing how it gives us the strength to carry on, even when we feel like we're hanging on by a thread.

Kathy said...

Keeping you and your wonderful family in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to all of you!

Love from your friend
Kathy in Hood River

Jen said...

Keeping you close in my thoughts always. I feel terrible that you have to go through land mines and mini land mines. Breaks my heart, I wish we could just navigate right over them like a stealth military person :o) Love to you!