We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Saturday, February 27, 2010

Rough

This is rough. Really, really rough.

I don't want to give the impression that all we do is sit around and sob because we don't, but inside we do. There are two beautiful children who need us all to be there and I owe it to them to make life as normal and happy as possible. We laugh, joke, play, tease, etc..... and again, if it weren't for the kids I don't want to think how things would be. We do have fun with the kids, yet inside our hearts, minds and the core of our being is being ripped apart. Mom described it as having her heart pierced and the insides are just spilling out. I'm a bit more graphic and say my heart feels like when you're peeling an orange, you're ripping apart the rind, get to the actual fruit, split it open and tear apart the slices. That's how I feel..... when I feel. Sometimes I'm still numb and in shock and that is much better than my heart as an orange scenario.

I'm also empty and lost. I feel like part of me is lost and I keep looking around for it only it's gone and will never be here again. Ever.

I don't know what it is about being in stores but every fucking time I go into one, no matter what store it is, at some point while I'm in there a song on my unsafe playlist comes on. Either that or I see something that makes me think of something that I hadn't before and that triggers an avalanche of wracking sobs which I'm sure causes people to think I've just escaped the looney bin.

I happened upon an unbelievable thought the other day. Chances are I'll live to be old, figure about 75. If that's true, I will end up having to live more of my life WITHOUT sissy than with her.

Basically I have no idea how we're doing this. Thank goodness Joshua has been able to be off work thus far. I think it's the best thing for him and Asa. I know it will be a big adjustment for both boys when Joshua goes back to work. I cannot say enough what a great father and man Josh is. How he's getting through this I don't know. I mean, he lives in their home, Trina is literally everywhere....... and yet not. It's hard enough for me to go into the house and see all of her things exactly where she left them on Saturday, January 2nd when she went to the hospital, figuring she'd be home later in the evening.

This is hell. We are living our hell.

3 comments:

Jen said...

Cameo~

I am so sorry that your heart (and your families) has to feel anything of that magnitude!

I am so happy though that the kids are able to bring you guys such joy. I am also so happy to hear that Josh is able to be off of work and spending time with all of you. What a blessing that is!

Take care my dear friend.

Love to you all,

Jen

The Vuki Family said...

Amen sista! I get it! Been there, it's rough! Just know that there are others around you going through the same. That always brings me comfort, because I know that I'm not alone in this adventure...the game we call LIFE! May God give you some peace, for I know that without him I wouldn't be able to get through. Take care!

Love ya!
Tiff

wy-not said...

You have a gift for writing about the anguish of loss, Cameo. You write what you're feeling in a way that other people can know and begin to relate in some small way. I pray that one day soon you feel the swift, uplifting rush of peace and comfort. How I would love to meet you, so that the cyberhugs I'm sending could be real. Prayers to you and yours, sweet girl.

Sandy