I don't want to give the impression that all we do is sit around and sob because we don't, but inside we do. There are two beautiful children who need us all to be there and I owe it to them to make life as normal and happy as possible. We laugh, joke, play, tease, etc..... and again, if it weren't for the kids I don't want to think how things would be. We do have fun with the kids, yet inside our hearts, minds and the core of our being is being ripped apart. Mom described it as having her heart pierced and the insides are just spilling out. I'm a bit more graphic and say my heart feels like when you're peeling an orange, you're ripping apart the rind, get to the actual fruit, split it open and tear apart the slices. That's how I feel..... when I feel. Sometimes I'm still numb and in shock and that is much better than my heart as an orange scenario.
I'm also empty and lost. I feel like part of me is lost and I keep looking around for it only it's gone and will never be here again. Ever.
I don't know what it is about being in stores but every fucking time I go into one, no matter what store it is, at some point while I'm in there a song on my unsafe playlist comes on. Either that or I see something that makes me think of something that I hadn't before and that triggers an avalanche of wracking sobs which I'm sure causes people to think I've just escaped the looney bin.
I happened upon an unbelievable thought the other day. Chances are I'll live to be old, figure about 75. If that's true, I will end up having to live more of my life WITHOUT sissy than with her.
Basically I have no idea how we're doing this. Thank goodness Joshua has been able to be off work thus far. I think it's the best thing for him and Asa. I know it will be a big adjustment for both boys when Joshua goes back to work. I cannot say enough what a great father and man Josh is. How he's getting through this I don't know. I mean, he lives in their home, Trina is literally everywhere....... and yet not. It's hard enough for me to go into the house and see all of her things exactly where she left them on Saturday, January 2nd when she went to the hospital, figuring she'd be home later in the evening.
This is hell. We are living our hell.