In the meantime I thought I'd update everyone on how the weekend went.
Saturday was 5 weeks.
Sunday was Valentina's birthday party and Valentine's Day.
I made up my mind that I was going to give the kids a good party. A FUN party. If ANYONE deserved a good time and a chance to let loose, it is those two kiddo's!
Let me back up a second. Friday Joshua came over and was asking us about our laptops. Mom keeps hers at our house, plus Norm has his and then there's mine, which is more of a desktop but still technically a laptop. So three laptops in the house. I asked Josh if he was thinking of getting one. He said yeah because he'd like to spend more time over here (my house) but misses his computer. All mom and I heard was "Josh buying laptop = him spending more time here" and we practically shoved him out the door to go buy one! When the seven of us are all together under one roof it's almost like we can do this. It is the only thing that helps us deal. Even though we don't know how the other one feels and we can't imagine the grief the other person is experiencing and we all feel that the person next to us has it worse, when we are all together we feel a bit stronger. So ANYTHING to help keep Joshua here more Mom and I are all for! A few hours later Joshua walked in the door.... with a brand spankin' new, faster, kick ass laptop! Mom and I were sooooo happy!!! MORE JOSHUA TIME!!!! MORE ASA TIME!!!! IT'S A WIN WIN WIN SITUATION IN A LOSE LOSE LOSE TIME!!!!! So Friday mom and I went to bed dreaming of all of us under one roof more often.
Saturday morning Joshua called me and we had to test out his webcam on his computer. It works perfectly, only now my year old (or 18 month old, however old it is) Sony seems ancient and archaic next to his snazzy new one!
Oh my. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Valentina woke up and Norm got up with her but I heard her telling him as soon as he walked into her room "Daddy! Today is my birthday!" I kept telling her that her actual birthday was last month but that her birthday party is Sunday, or in two days, or whatever the appropriate timing was. I made it my day's mission to make it the very best I could.
Until I opened the party stuff.
The party stuff that sissy had bought the day before she had her last chemo treatment. That bag of party items were very likely the last things she ever purchased and they were for her Vali (sidenote: no one else except Joshua and Asa are allowed to call her Vali, it is an extremely special name that sissy came up for her. Just like nobody else would call me sissy, nobody else can call Valentina Vali). Opening the bag and pulling out each item brought on an explosion of emotion that I couldn't contain. I tried to not sob too hard in front of Valentina but she obviously could see me crying. She asked me why and I told her. Then my sweet, special girl climbed onto my lap, patted my tears, looked terribly sad and said "but mama, it's my birthday." I tried my best to compose myself, I smiled and laughed and said "yes it is! It IS your birthday party! We are going to have fun!" I was able to distract her with some other things and made my way into the family room to continue with my breakdown.
Once it passed I got ready and put up a few decorations. Not as many decorations as I had done in the past and not even all the ones sissy had bought, I couldn't bring myself to go all out and Valentina didn't even notice, she just thought it was beautiful and was excited.
Amanda called me to see if there was anything I needed her to pick up before she headed over and the waterworks sprang again, only this time Asa was over and I managed to make it to the bedroom before losing it.
The party itself was both torture and yet I tried to celebrate the fact that we've known about our girly for 3 years. Well, technically that happens today (the 16th, our referral date). I didn't see mom much as she kept breaking down. Beya and I are both the same in that we don't want to share our grief with anyone but the 6 of us. I don't want anyone to see me cry, with a few exceptions. I feel that no one can possibly even imagine what we are going through, therefore I feel like why even bother trying to explain it. Later that night mom asked me why we felt like that. I guessed it was because if people see us laugh they think we're ok and are dealing with things. If they see us cry they want to comfort us and that isn't what we want. So instead we forge ahead, "zombie like" (Beya's oh-so-accurate words).
That night after everything was cleaned up and we thought things were over, mom and I settled in to watch "Amazing Race". Oh no, that started a brand new avalanche of emotions. I won't get into why, but it's extremely personal and that show is a huge land mine this season. I won't stop watching it because sissy, Beya and I always watched it so I'm trying to keep doing the same things but it is extremely difficult.
Anyway, that was our weekend. I'll try to post a few pictures later on but I wanted to get my emotional feelings out first. And yes, this is like my journal. I've been reading some of my past posts from years ago and I'm so glad I wrote them because I had completely forgotten how I had felt during Valentina's process, waiting for the referral, waiting, waiting, waiting. I honestly believe I'm still in shock right now so I know I will forget everything that is happening and I want to be able to look back. Or maybe I won't. I don't know, but at least I'll have the option and for the past nine months options have been severely limited or nonexistent.
This time the option will be MINE.