This weekend brought on a ginormous emotional land mine. It was Asa's soccer "meet up" day where he meets his coach and team mates for the first time. This was something that only he and Trina would do, or if Joshua could make it then the three of them would do it as a family. We were not allowed and respected the fact that there were a handful of things that Trina wanted to keep between her and Asa.
This year it was Joshua, Asa and me at the meet up.
It was so incredibly hard getting ready that morning, knowing that it should be sissy getting ready. Mom gave the kids a bath while I went in to Valentina's room to get her clothes, and have a silent melt down. I have become an expert at crying without messing up my makeup and was able to use this technique that morning.
Afterwards, on the way home, Asa just said out of the blue, "I love mom". Talk about twisting the knife in my heart.
Thursday was actually a decent day. Mom and I talked a lot and the in the evening I talked to Holly and was telling her that I think we're going to be ok, I think we just might be able to get through this. Mom and I even laughed with each other Thursday, which we both know underneath our laughing is intense, unimaginable pain.
Friday the bottom fell out. Nothing changed, Friday was really no different from Thursday except it took every bit of me to get through the day. I felt that there was no way I could make it through, not just the day, but the rest of my life. How? How the fuck can I get through the rest of my life without the one adult who, not only has been there every step of the way, is my biggest cheerleader, but is SUPPOSED to be there for me until we BOTH grew old?
I'm reading "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" by Rabbi Kushner and he just writes out what I've thought for well over a year, that shit happens, there are miracles and sometimes there aren't, basically that life is a crap shoot. Not everything happens for a reason. In fact the vast majority of things DON'T have any great meaning behind them. It's been nice to read something that supports my theory versus something/someone constantly shoving down my throat "oh you'll see the reason for this sometime down the road" or my favorite, "maybe God saw that Asa would be a better person if he grew up without his mom." Talk about a flaming bag of BULLSHIT!!!!
Anyway, I guess in a nutshell we're ok. We have decent days, we have shitty days, we have seconds where we think that our lives cannot go on. But like I told mom, a large part of myself is buried with sissy. I will never again be a sister. I will never again buy a birthday card for my sister. I will never again receive a Christmas gift from my sister. I will never again be able to say "I was just talking to my sister about that......" The sister part of me is just as dead as sissy and that was a huge piece of me, it helped DEFINE me. That is gone. But at the same time I am barely halfway through my life. The kids are just beginning their lives. It would be easy for me to just crawl up in a ball, roll into a padded cell and have them throw away the key. But the kids. They have been through enough. Just last night as I started saying prayers with Valentina, she stopped me and asked "mama, how do we get TT back to us?" I know I am at just the starting point with all of these unbelievably difficult questions. But it is because of the kids that I refuse to lay down and die. They do not deserve to have their short lives halted because of the unfair shit storm that has rained down on them. I will make it my life's work to make sure that their lives are as full and happy as they possibly can be. Yes, they are missing out on the sheer happiness, total acceptence and pure joy that sissy would have brought to their lives, but I am doing my best to make sure that they don't realize what has been taken from them. They will always know their mom/TT is gone and every day they will feel the loss but it is my job to make sure that they are busy having fun. Each holiday is going to be hell on us but what I want for Asa and Valentina is for them to say "wow, that was so much fun, I can't wait until ------- is here again!" I want them to remember each holiday, each major day in their lives, with happiness and joy. I cannot remove the emptiness that Asa will always have, or the sting that Valentina feels every day at the loss of her TT (who thought her Vali could do no wrong), but it is my goal to make sure that the holes get filled in just a bit.
And that is how I am making it. That and mom. I say this with every fiber of my being and with the full honesty that I write on here (sometimes good, sometimes bad), mom is helping me so much in every way imaginable. She helps me physicallly, she helps me emotionally, she helps me with the housework, she helps me remember, she helps with the kids, she helps with the yard work, she helps with every aspect of my life. Before, the three of us (mom, sissy and me) referred to ourselves as a well oiled machine. Well, mom and I are not a machine, you need three people for that. But what we are becoming is a tightly packed pair and together we feel like we are helping each other push through this emotional shitstorm.