I sometimes go days without crying and then without warning my sadness becomes overwhelming and physically painful. At night I have to walk a tightrope between taking enough medication to be able to go to sleep when I go to bed and yet not too much to knock me out before I'm done watching tv. Yes, primetime tv is still a part of my life. Sissy and I would always talk to each other in the evening and discuss what was on our tv schedule that night and then the next day we'd talk about what we watched and if it was good or not.
Last night I didn't take enough medication.
I can't go to bed unless I know I'm going to go to sleep or else I lay in bed, think and then go off the deep end. Last night I went off the deep end.
Mom has mentioned how her only regret is that the eight didn't have one big vacation. I told her we had our beach getaway only a few weeks before sissy was diagnosed. That was amazing trip and great, but mom and I both remember how sissy didn't feel good. We had chalked it up to her being pregnant but we now know that it was the cancer.
However, I've slowly been looking through my thousands of pictures (literally thousands, I take an average of about 500 pictures a month) and we had some amazing family getaways. We only had one after Valentina came home, but we had a lot before she came home. We even fit in a couple of trips to Mexico. All in all, I think we traveled as much as we could afford to and get away with.
I've had only one dream since sissy died and it was horrible. It was all of us on a trip to the beach, like we had planned on doing again this spring and when I woke up for a split second I thought "I've got to get planning that!" and then I was slapped with our reality. That is what hurts the most, our plans that we had for the future that won't happen. Trina was only 40. Asa is only 5. I said earlier that sissy only got 2 birthdays with her Vali, but even worse she only got five with her own son. And yes, our lives will go on, they must go on, but it will never be the same and even though we will take other vacations, it won't be the same. Like mom said, there will always be an empty chair and a huge, gaping hole in all of our hearts.