Holidays are hard. Period. And I know that Mother's Day will be even harder than today but right now Easter is the Chernobyl of emotional landmines.
I try so hard to not think forward or backward, to deal with only today but no matter how hard I try, right now my mind rewinds to last year. Last year we had so much fun. We colored eggs on Saturday (which we did again yesterday) and I distinctly remember taking a mental picture of sissy and papa together and thinking they looked so happy. I grabbed my camera and had to take an actual picture., something just told me to get as many pictures as possible. Now I do that anyway, I average taking about 500 pictures a month, but this one was different and I had no idea why.
After we colored eggs there was a break in the rain so mom kept the kids occupied in the house while sissy and I ran outside and frantically hid eggs in the front yard so they could go and find them. It was freezing, we were racing around and laughing hysterically together. Every once in a while sissy and I would look at each other and say the same thing, "this is perfect! Life right now is perfect. We've always wanted to have kids together and now we're both moms, doing everything we can to make our kids happy and we're doing it together." We also looked forward to the next Easter when there would be a third baby since sissy was pregnant at the time.
Never in a million years, despite that odd internal nudge to take that picture of sissy and papa, did I think that our lives would take THIS turn.
Easter this year is not the same. Not even in the same universe as it was last year. I've broken down several times already and I haven't even hid the eggs.
So here's to Easters past..... and may this one be the worst we have to endure.