There is never one second of of one minute of one hour of one day that I don't miss my sister. The last time I wrote I said that I had been having a rough three days. Well now it's been a rough ten days. Things haven't gotten better and it seems like things just get worse.
I've kept up my writing. Some of my musings are pre-cancer some are post-cancer, it depends on what I can emotionally handle at the time. Earlier this week I wrote in my book how Asa used to have the biggest smile on his face when he would score a goal and give his mum a thumbs up and she would do the same. Today at his soccer game one of the boys did the exact same thing to his mom. I tried so hard but couldn't keep the tears inside.
I also filled out his school registration this week, something Trina should be doing. Like I told mom, I don't hate doing Trina's job but I hate WHY I'm doing her job. It was one thing when she was too sick to be doing these things and I had to step in but she was still here and that makes a huge difference.
I've been crying a lot more, I think I might be coming out of shock. Asa has been testing me more, trying to see what he can get away with, see if I'm going to be consistent as far as punishing him for doing the same thing that Valentina gets punished for and Valentina does the same. I feel as if I'm constantly walking a tightrope and I'm fucked either way. I told mom that when the kids get older and become rebellious I'm going to hear from Valentina "I hate you, you're not my REAL mom" and from Asa I'll get "you ruined this, it wouldn't have been like this if my mom had been alive!" Mom thought about it and said "yeah, you're right. But it only lasts a few years."
I don't need to be worrying about things that will happen 10 years from now when I have plenty to deal with right now.
Right now I miss my sister.