We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Still Standing

It's been a rough three days for me.

Friday was three months since the unthinkable happened and it's always in the back of my mind on Friday's that we had the funeral on a Friday. I had started out the day telling mom that really, is the 9th of the month any harder than any other day of the month? We certainly don't think of sissy less any other day of the month. I started out very strong and yet as I was out running errands (by myself! Thanks mom for watching the kids even though you were sick) I broke down sobbing. The clock read 1: 20 pm and it just reminded me of the funeral because we had it at 1 pm. It was three months. It was too much.

Saturday was another rough emotional milestone, Asa had his team soccer pictures taken. Trina, obviously, always did that. She picked out the photo package, always made sure his hair was combed just before the picture was taken, made sure that his shirt was tucked in just enough, you know, all those typical things moms do with their kids before pictures are taken. I was the one who took care of that Saturday and it just drove the fact in deeper that Asa doesn't have his mom.

Then during the soccer game Asa was sitting on the fold up bench with one of his team mates, M. I could see them talking and twice they both turned back and looked at me. M pointed to me and they kept talking. I knew in my heart what their conversation was about. Later on in the day after we got home mom asked Asa what he and M had talked about. Asa looked at me and said "you." I asked Asa what they had talked about me for. M had asked Asa if I was his mom and Asa had told him no, I was his sissy. I asked Asa if he told M that his mom died. Asa nodded. I asked what M had said to that and Asa said "nothing." I hate that at five years old Asa has to have these conversations with his friends.

Finally, this morning I had another dream. In my dream Trina had cancer and her doctors told her there was no hope, that they were going to stop treatment because it wasn't working so there was nothing more they could do, she just had to sit around and wait to die. Valentina woke me up at that moment and for a fraction of a second I thought to myself "whew, what a horrible nightmare, I'm so glad it was only a dream. I have to call sissy and tell her about it" and it hit me all over again that no, this really did happen. Yeah, not a great way to start my day and that brief feeling of "I'm going to call sissy and talk to her about it" has haunted me all day. I wish I could call her. I wish I could talk to her. I wish she could be doing all the things with Asa that I now have to do. I wish she was here to tease, torment, play and be the best TT to her Vali. I wish Valentina didn't have to grow up without an aunt. I wish Asa had his mom. I wish she was here, healthy.

So yes, the past three days have been very sad for me.

I miss my sister.

I miss everything about her, even the frustrating parts of her.

I miss mom telling me "well Trina said you told her THIS about me." Sissy and I would vent to each other about mom, mom would vent to sissy about me, I would vent to mom about sissy and so on but it only took a day or two at the most before the other person knew what the other one had said.

I miss our lunches.

I miss feeling relieved when we would drop off the kids at Grama's house instead of the weight I feel when they aren't with me.

I miss every single aspect of our lives prior to May 3rd, 2009.

But it is for these two amazing, precious, strong kids that I go on.


Beya said...

You are amazing. No one can see what you are going through while you do all the things for your kids. You hide it well for them. You are my strength, and I love you so much!!!!

Patti B. said...

I'm so sorry life is so difficult right now...I am sure it seems like it will always be. One day at a time, right? Its all we can do sometimes.
The pictures of the kids are amazing. I hope their smiling faces make your heart a bit less shattered when you need it most.

wy-not said...

Cameo, I always struggle to try to find comforting words, even though I know they don't exist. Then, this morning, I was reading through the "In Memorium" column in my newspaper and I found this:

"Language thou art too narrow, and too weak to ease us now; great sorrow cannot speak." (John Donne)

Great sorrow cannot speak. That's why words fail. I send my heartfelt kudos to you, dear girl, for carrying on, getting through the days one at a time, and staying strong for those little ones.

Sissy knows it and she's smiling on you every day.



Deb said...

There are no words that will comfort you- I ma just sending you some strength to make it though this night and tomorrow.

Love and hugs,