We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Sunday, May 02, 2010

52 Weeks

Tomorrow is May 3rd, one year since Trina was diagnosed with cancer, but today is exactly 52 weeks. It's been 52 weeks since mom woke me up with the unbelievable news. Never, ever, ever is my wildest nightmares did I ever think she wouldn't be here with us today. Never. And I'm criticized (by other people, never my own family) as being the pessimistic one. Well this was one shit ball I didn't see coming.

So now we are branching into the other "firsts", the first Cinco de Mayo without her.... but she already had cancer. The first Mothers Day without her.... but she already had cancer. The first Independence Day....... but she already cancer and had started chemo. All of the other firsts up until this point we were able to look back and see her as a healthy, happy, sunny person. Now we are forced to remember her a year ago..... after chemo, after her illness, after the times she couldn't get out of bed, after her nails starting falling off, after her constant vomiting, after her hair falling out, after her crying every time she looked in the mirror because she felt like she looked like cancer and didn't recognize herself, after her voice changes due to the multiple medications she was on, after the meltdowns Asa would have with her and all she could do was cry and hold him, after the shit really started.

But we have a full day planned out for us today and tomorrow will take care of itself. And no matter what, we have our kiddos! One side note, I've had multiple people ask (tell) me that it must be so nice to have Asa with us, as our link to sissy. I've always said yes without thinking but I really started to think about it last week. Yes, in a way Asa is a link to her, but more than anything Asa is his own person, his own personality, his own funny little quirks that sometimes remind me of Trina and sometimes are all completely his own. Asa is his own person and I would never want to put pressure on him to be his mothers child. Asa is himself. Asa by himself is amazingly strong and Asa by himself is his own person. Just the same I don't think of Valentina's birth mom every time I look at her. I know that's probably not very PC of me to say, but I don't. She is her own person and all I can do is encourage their individuality just like mom did with sissy and me.

As always, I miss my sissy.

4 comments:

wy-not said...

… and as always, I send warmest hugs your way. I pray that you find some light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel. I hope that sissy's bright smile in all t these photos can one day bring you peace. I love what you wrote about Asa and Vali - being their own people. You are a wise woman, Cameo – a very wise woman with a broken heart. (One question: How do you pronounce Asa's name. Shania Twain's son is Aja, and it's pronounced like Asia. My granddaughter's name is Asia, spelled and pronounced that way. So Asa's name just made me wonder...)

((((Hugs to you and your family...))))

Sandy

Cameo said...

Hi Sandy,

Asa's name is pronounced A-suh. And I know this sounds really trivial but I don't like anyone else referring to Valentina as Vali, that was something that Trina started and only Trina, Joshua and Asa call her that. I'm sorry but it's something special that I like to keep. Again, I'm sorry but you know me, I don't keep feelings inside or hesitate to say something, good and bad, lol!!!

Have a great week!

wy-not said...

I'm so sorry Cameo. Didn't mean to bring up any hurtful things. You have enough pain on your plate. To tell you the truth, I think of her as Valentina, but it's my typing laziness that makes me shorten things whenever I can... it won't happen again, I promise.

:-(

Sandy

URBAN BLONDE said...

Asa is his own little person but I have no doubt that in the years to come, you will catch that young man having some little trait, mannerism, way of saying things etc that will remind you of Trina.

I've seen it with my own kids, doing some little thing, having a mannerism or even in their likes or dislikes that is identical to my grandmother, grandfather, etc -- people they've never ever been around or were lucky enough to know. Can't explain it but when you see it or hear it, it will be like a little visit with the one you loved.