Tomorrow is May 3rd, one year since Trina was diagnosed with cancer, but today is exactly 52 weeks. It's been 52 weeks since mom woke me up with the unbelievable news. Never, ever, ever is my wildest nightmares did I ever think she wouldn't be here with us today. Never. And I'm criticized (by other people, never my own family) as being the pessimistic one. Well this was one shit ball I didn't see coming.
So now we are branching into the other "firsts", the first Cinco de Mayo without her.... but she already had cancer. The first Mothers Day without her.... but she already had cancer. The first Independence Day....... but she already cancer and had started chemo. All of the other firsts up until this point we were able to look back and see her as a healthy, happy, sunny person. Now we are forced to remember her a year ago..... after chemo, after her illness, after the times she couldn't get out of bed, after her nails starting falling off, after her constant vomiting, after her hair falling out, after her crying every time she looked in the mirror because she felt like she looked like cancer and didn't recognize herself, after her voice changes due to the multiple medications she was on, after the meltdowns Asa would have with her and all she could do was cry and hold him, after the shit really started.
But we have a full day planned out for us today and tomorrow will take care of itself. And no matter what, we have our kiddos! One side note, I've had multiple people ask (tell) me that it must be so nice to have Asa with us, as our link to sissy. I've always said yes without thinking but I really started to think about it last week. Yes, in a way Asa is a link to her, but more than anything Asa is his own person, his own personality, his own funny little quirks that sometimes remind me of Trina and sometimes are all completely his own. Asa is his own person and I would never want to put pressure on him to be his mothers child. Asa is himself. Asa by himself is amazingly strong and Asa by himself is his own person. Just the same I don't think of Valentina's birth mom every time I look at her. I know that's probably not very PC of me to say, but I don't. She is her own person and all I can do is encourage their individuality just like mom did with sissy and me.
As always, I miss my sissy.