The past few days have been unbelievably hard. I don't know what is different other than mom thinks I've been in a bipolar downward spiral and I think she might be right. I really miss talking to sissy about these times since bipolar was just one of the hundreds of things that we had in common. As with any mental illness it always helps to have someone who understands it and gets how you're feeling but when that special person is also your sister, well, it's even that much more helpful and that much more of a saving grace. To not have sissy here for an "episode" is just one of the billions of things that I miss about her.
The past few days the weather has been getting warmer which has been even harder. I know, nice weather = bad mood? In what universe? In the universe where warm weather = our home being "Summer Party Central." It's no secret that when the weather is warm during the summer we pretty much live outside.
So today? Today was yet another hurdle that we had to overcome as it was our inaugural BBQ/dinner on the deck.
Sissy always did the BBQ'ing. She was amazing at the grill and would never let anyone come near it when she was at the helm. Even last summer when she was sick on chemo and at times the smell of food would make her nauseated she still managed to wield the tongs like a pro.
Today when mom told me that we were going to have dinner outside, on the deck, in the sun, for the first time since January 9th, I felt as if I was going to hyperventilate. My knees felt as if they were about to buckle. I thought that it was too much, this was asking for too much, not right now when I'm not going well to begin with. Mom cried and I told her the "firsts" are always hard. The first family dinner around the table, the first time eating at a restaurant, the first soccer practice, the first time in the backyard, the first time around the fire pit, the first time driving past the hospital and countless other firsts that we never thought we'd have to go through.
As usual the kids were complete hams tonight and kept us laughing all through dinner but it was still painful, unbelievably painful.
Tonight we made it past another hurdle that we never wanted to have to cross.
Next up? Fourth of July. Mom and I cried today in anticipation of that one but we made it through this one and I know that we will get through the next one. But it still doesn't make it any easier.