We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Another Hurdle

The past few days have been unbelievably hard. I don't know what is different other than mom thinks I've been in a bipolar downward spiral and I think she might be right. I really miss talking to sissy about these times since bipolar was just one of the hundreds of things that we had in common. As with any mental illness it always helps to have someone who understands it and gets how you're feeling but when that special person is also your sister, well, it's even that much more helpful and that much more of a saving grace. To not have sissy here for an "episode" is just one of the billions of things that I miss about her.

The past few days the weather has been getting warmer which has been even harder. I know, nice weather = bad mood? In what universe? In the universe where warm weather = our home being "Summer Party Central." It's no secret that when the weather is warm during the summer we pretty much live outside.

So today? Today was yet another hurdle that we had to overcome as it was our inaugural BBQ/dinner on the deck.

Sissy always did the BBQ'ing. She was amazing at the grill and would never let anyone come near it when she was at the helm. Even last summer when she was sick on chemo and at times the smell of food would make her nauseated she still managed to wield the tongs like a pro.

Today when mom told me that we were going to have dinner outside, on the deck, in the sun, for the first time since January 9th, I felt as if I was going to hyperventilate. My knees felt as if they were about to buckle. I thought that it was too much, this was asking for too much, not right now when I'm not going well to begin with. Mom cried and I told her the "firsts" are always hard. The first family dinner around the table, the first time eating at a restaurant, the first soccer practice, the first time in the backyard, the first time around the fire pit, the first time driving past the hospital and countless other firsts that we never thought we'd have to go through.

As usual the kids were complete hams tonight and kept us laughing all through dinner but it was still painful, unbelievably painful.

Tonight we made it past another hurdle that we never wanted to have to cross.

Next up? Fourth of July. Mom and I cried today in anticipation of that one but we made it through this one and I know that we will get through the next one. But it still doesn't make it any easier.


Jen said...

Ohhh, the firsts. Don't "The Firsts" always have a strange way of leading to "The Lasts" Isn't that funny/sad how that happens?

In my opinion, they are both equally as miserable as each other.

I am so sorry you are having to go through so many, but you were so right in saying, "you made it through, but it doesn't make it any easier!!"

Isn't it similar to being beat to hell in a fight. Your barely standing, bloodied from head to toe, broken into pieces, but by God....you made it through.

Whoop de friggin' do....we made it through....

What about my broken bloody body? What about that????

Love to you....as always!

Jen said...

You're not Your :o(

wy-not said...

Cameo. And Jen. Two women struggling hard against the total (insert swear word of choice here) unfairness of the world. I am humbled simply by your ability to put one foot in front of the other every day. And I am moved by the way you both keep on keeping on for the sake of the little ones. I love you both.




Sorry, It's been awhile since I peeked in. I have friends in town that our going through the same stuff as you. The firsts....
Just wanted to let you know that I told them about Trina and how you "blog your feelings" and that it might work for them too. I also tell them that grief has no timetable. It waxes and wanes.

If only I could ease the pain for you guys.


PS I haven't been around much because my life has gotten incredibly busy! My darling daughter is getting married on August 14th! We are hosting the ceremony and reception at our house for 80 people. Am I crazy? YES!