We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Monday, June 07, 2010


Mom has been after me to blog so here goes.

Friday night Asa had his "graduation" from Hebrew school. He did GREAT! I took video while Josh took pictures. The kids in his group had to say the Hebrew letters when they saw them come on the screen and Asa was always the first and loudest to say the letter. He knows his whole Hebrew alphabet plus some of the prayers. I wanted Valentina to start to attend Hebrew pre-school but they have this pesky rule of one parent being Jewish. Stupid. So instead she's going to Catholic pre-school where if they have openings for "non-Catholics" then it's a free for all. And I kid you not, their definition of being Catholic is by proving your attendance with your "offering receipts." I laughed out loud when I read that.... and I was at the open house at the time!

Asa coming back to his seat after doing an amazing job with his alphabet.

Valentina was quite active during Synagogue and kept asking me (in regular voice, not even a whisper) "mama, are you mad at me?" Talk about making me feel like shit, although that is her favorite question right now. I wanted to tell her "yes I am!" when she decided to plop herself down on the floor in the middle of an aisle, spread eagle and proceed to let her hands "wander". Yeah. Yet again made me feel like mother of the year...... NOT!

After the service the kids played for a bit. This is the first time Valentina has worn this dress. Sissy gave it to her for Hanukkah and I've never been able to get her to wear it until Friday night.

"Nice Jewish Boy"
I had given Asa a t-shirt that said that for his second birthday and I think of that when I see this picture.
Saturday was a big party at Norm's parents house for his grandma's 80th birthday. She is in town from New Mexico for a few weeks and all of the kids, grandkids and great grandkids were able to get together. We ended up being there for more than five hours (we're usually the first ones to leave) as the kids just played and played outside. The weather had been shitty and rainy for days before and was raining the day after but Saturday was sunny and warm!

Valentina in her cute polka dot drop waist dress from Avon. Of course she also happened to have a perfectly matching bow from Kick Ass Bows from a previous outfit that Holly had matched for me.

L-R are Valentina, Aunt Jean (grandma's sister) and Grandma Dee. Grandma and Aunt Jean are a comedy duo that rivals sissy and me. They kept us all cracking up.

Doesn't Asa look so big here? He wasn't letting go of the cupcake OR the ball!

Yup, sure tastes good! Oh, I guess I shouldn't say that since I made them. Oh I guess I can since technically Betty Crocker came up with the ingredients.

He was not letting go of that cupcake until he ate it all!

Valentina and Grandma were blowing noisemakers at each other much to Aunt Jean's delight.

So that is what this weekend held for us.
As for life? Well, it does indeed go on even when it feels like it can't. Wednesday is five months. Five months. Today is five months since I last heard my sister talk. Sometimes when I am going through pictures looking for a particular one of the kids I find one of her, it takes me by surprise and I have to jerk my head away so I don't see all of it. Yet other times, if I am looking for a picture of sissy for mom, I am able to remove myself from the situation and just breeze through them. I heard it put best on one of my soaps. One of the characters is in prison and he said (I'm paraphrasing here) "things are so real here that I can't believe there is a world outside of these prison walls. It's like the life I had before this, the world I was in before this, was just a dream." That is exactly how I feel. It's like life now is so raw and real and is exhausting to get through the day that everything that happened a year ago, or five months ago, seems like a dream. It takes all I have to just function now that I can't look back or even WANT to look back. But there is still never one second that I'm not thinking of sissy. Mom asked me one day "what if we forget?" I laughed at her and told her the only way we'd ever forget is if we got Alzheimer's. I have a linen bound journal in which I jot down random things that sissy and I did or just memories of the two of us. I won't have my sister to talk to when I get old to reminisce with about our childhood. I won't have anyone to talk to about "remember when mom and papa......" All I will have is this journal. But until then I am leaning so much on mom. I draw strength from her and for some odd reason, she from me. We know what the other is thinking. When one of us starts crying we know why. When we laugh we know that we are still broken inside. Nobody gets me like mom and vice versa. Our grieving is almost identical to each other and yet nothing like what anyone else is going through. I feel as if I'm becoming concentrated. I have withdrawn from anyone who isn't absolutely vital to me and although I realize how little control I have over most things that happen, the things I DO know I am absolutely sure of and have no room to listen to "friends" bully their opinions onto mine.
And the children. Oh how grateful I am for the kids!!!! I can say it 973,183,782,459,684 times and it still doesn't come close to how grateful I am for Valentina and Asa. They give me purpose and a reason to make life "normal." They are my everything. It is so hard to see Asa growing up and watch him have his milestones (Hebrew school graduation was a tough one) without his mum mum being there. She should be the one video taping things, she should be the one bursting with pride, she should be the one watching him. I have told mom that I don't have time for guilt and yet during those moments it does creep in because I feel as if it should be her and not me witnessing Asa's growth. But no matter what, I love them both with my whole heart and gain so much strength from them.

1 comment:

wy-not said...

Cameo. Sweet girl. Anything I try to write here just sounds so hollow and trite. I wish you could see what's written for you and to you on my heart. There are words of support and attempts to understand (although nobody ever really can because nobody else is YOU losing YOUR precious sister!). I love the way you write about those two beautiful kids (can't believe how TALL they both are now), and about your relationship with your Mom. How I wish I could read your Mom's blog too. Good luck to both of you as the days continue to move relentlessly along. I keep you in my prayers all the time.