We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Fourth? Check

So we made it through the 4th of July. I knew we would, there is no other option, but holidays are still incredibly hard. It was especially hard because there are a few moments that really stick in my head from last year's celebration. Sissy was very sick and feeling kind of shitty but she managed to spend the whole day at our house. We BBQ'd in the back and even took a picture of Norm's and Trina's matching hairdo's. Later on, when it got dark, we moved to the front yard and watched fireworks. I distinctly remember sissy and I laying on the ground on top of a blanket and I just held her, wondering if I would be able to do the same thing in a year. I couldn't. But I will always have that memory and it is a bittersweet one. Like I've said before, we're fortunate because I don't think any of us have any regrets, wish we would have done this or said that. We were always so appreciative of our time together, cancer had taught us that on December 14, 1992. Actually it was long before that since mom instilled a strong devotion to family growing up. We were never allowed to leave the house to go somewhere if we had been fighting in case one of us were in a car accident and killed. I owe my family loyalty to Beya. I love her so much and lean on her so much. We are just clinging to each other like crazy right now. Well, and the kiddo's. Oh the kids, how I love them! I should have some pretty good pictures pretty soon as we are going to a wedding this weekend and then next weekend they are IN a wedding. Norm's cousin (who I consider my own cousin) is getting married and the kids are the ring bearer and flower girl. I'm kind of afraid of what Valentina is going to do as she is such a performer and loves to be the center of attention so Heather, I apologize in advance for anything that my daughter will do! It should make for an interesting wedding video just as Asa made sissy and Joshua's wedding funny. He kept tapping Trina's stomach while they were getting married and at one point he walked behind sissy and whopped her on the butt! Trina was just scared that he was going to lift her dress up! So yes, kids at a wedding are very unpredictable and we've got two weddings in two weekends!

Other than that, things are the same. I feel sad, happy, frustrated, devastated, hopeful, angry, acceptance, denial, numb and everything in between all at once most days. Some days I actually think we can do this, we can make it, we will get through the rest of our lives and other days I feel like I can't make it through the next five seconds. But it is what it is. Like mom says, we're doing the best we can with the situation that we were given. We didn't choose this path, it was shoved in our way. But I do repeat my Rose Kennedy mantra at least once a day, sometimes 20.

I will not be licked by tragedy as life is a challenge and we must continue to work for the living as well as mourn for the dead.

2 comments:

Patti B. said...

Thinking of you.

wy-not said...

Wow. If you're going to keep a mantra close to your heart, who better than Rose Kennedy? There was a woman who knew tragedy in all of its forms, and yet she was so brave. Like you and Beya! I kept thinking about all of you on the 4th, knowing you were climbing another mountain that day. Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of my family's great loss, and I'm glad you've shared this mantra just in time for me to be able to share its deep meaning. Thank you. Hugs to you.