We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

All Is (Almost) Right With The World

Josh and Asa got back today from their California vacation and it feels sooooo good to have our boys back! Every day Valentina would tell me "I miss my Asa Boy. I wish Asa was here." She knew that they would be back this afternoon and she was asking me literally every five minutes "is it time to go get Asa at the airport?" The first few times it was cute, after the 286th time I wanted to stick skewers through my ears. Asa was so sweet and picked out a big, pink whale for Valentina from Sea World. Needless to say she loves it and already told everyone she's going to sleep with it tonight. I think we just might have found a replacement for Blue Bear.

Yes, my blog is public again. Yes, there are some people that will now read it that make me nervous but I've already had contact with someone who lost her sister and it has been nice to converse with her via email. It is because of this very reason that I re-opened it.

Both kids start school next week. In a way I'm dreading it since I don't do well when they are gone more than a day. This will be every day, except for Valentina who will only go to school 2 days a week but Grama will have her one day a week so really she'll be gone for three days but the days she's in school she's only there for 2 1/2 hours.

Like I said, we're just figuring this out as we plod along. I have no idea which way is up. It's like we were sailing along in a beautiful, luxurious yacht and when cancer hit us (again) we got hit with a huge wave. We were just getting things back together and learning how to sail with a few pieces missing making the sailing harder when another wave hit 12/16/09. That was the day we found out that the chemo wasn't working and not only did her tumor marker numbers not decrease but had actually doubled. On 01/09/10 we were hit with a rogue wave and our ship is gone. We're all clinging to deflated life boats and have no idea where we are going or how to get there. Someone dear to me told me that she thinks of us as treading water and that it must be exhausting to do it all the time. Yes, we are and sometimes we go under. I think I spent most of August under water, fighting with the life raft. It seems that every fucking month is another wave, trying to beat us down even further.

September = Labor Day

Oh how I remember how we BBQ'd every day one Labor Day weekend. Trina always insisted on making baked beans and that was all.summer.long. By Labor Day I was ready to chuck those damn beans into the pool! I think I told sissy that too. Now it's another holiday/wave, trying to push us down.

September = Asa's Birthday

How? How do I do Asa's 6th birthday? His first birthday without his mom. He is excited about it and that is how I'm doing it but it is still a ginormous wave looming in closer and closer.

October = PGN OUT

10/09/07 we got OUT of PGN (on my grandpa's bday) and I'll never forget that day, not just because we got OUT of PGN (yes, I still have to use all caps for OUT of PGN) but because in the afternoon sissy, Asa and I went to Kohls and bought out almost the whole toddler girl section of the store.

October = My birthday

Ugh. If it were up to me I'd forget my birthday and ignore it. I know we did something for Norm's birthday back on March 3rd but I have no idea what it was. I have no recollection of it. All I can think of is that I won't have a "Happy Birthday Sister" card. However I have my pair of grey Converse shoes that I wear all the time. They were my last birthday present to me from sissy. That and a cross keychain. She had given me one about 4 years ago and it broke so I told her that I needed a new one. I was very superstitious about it and wouldn't even touch it until sissy had bought it. I pointed it out to her and told her I needed it. This year I will not have anything from sissy for my birthday. It's not the gift that I am missing, it is what the gift represents, life from sissy.

October = Halloween

This one is almost too painful to talk about. Sissy was so sick last Halloween and yet we laughed so hard and had so much fun. She was DETERMINED to be there for Asa. She was the only person who was trick or treating with their child while using a walker. We did that the night before Halloween and the night of Halloween was so special. It was perfect save for the fact that sissy was in so much pain and she had cancer. Halloween is going to be a BIG wave.

November = Josh's Birthday

Enough said.

November = Mom's Birthday/Valentina's Homecoming Day

Again, enough said. Big wave.

November = Thanksgiving

Rogue wave. I don't know in what shape we will be in after this one hits us. We've talked about leaving town for the holidays this year. I can't imagine staying home and doing the same thing we did last year when sissy was here.

December = 12/16

The day that was the beginning of the end. It just happens to be mom and papa's anniversary too. How shitty is that? The day sissy was told that the second type of chemo wasn't working and not only was it even keeping the cancer at bay but that the sonuvabitch was working harder than ever and invading her further and faster.

December = Christmas/Hanukkah/Holiday Season

God help us all.

December = New Years Eve

The last time she had chemo and the very last time she was at my house. She was too sick and weak to even chew the dinner I had made for her.

January. The End.

The waves keep hitting us. But the kids? The kids are literally our life rafts. Thank you God for them. And I mean that. Thank you God!


Beya said...

You can put into words what we all feel. I love you and yes, thank God for you and the kids.

Grandma Kathy said...

My heart truly aches for you and your family. As a person who also lost a sister to that awful, cruel disease I wish I can say that it gets easier as time goes by - but to be perfectly honest there are times when it is still truly heartbreaking and unbearable and it has been over 20 years since my sister passed away. I think I have already told you all this, so forgive me for repeating myself. My family and I have days when we can smile when we think of her and other days - especially holidays when the pain is still very sharp like a knife in our hearts.

I wish there was something I could say or do that could help you - but unfortunately there isn't anything that I or anybody else could do to make you feel better. I just mainly wanted you to know that I have also been where you are, please feel free to contact me anytime if you need to talk, rant, rave, yell, scream or whatever else - I probably won't be able to help much, but I am a good listener.

I send my love and prayers to you and your family - especially little Asa.


Grandma Kathy said...

Sorry about the Grandma Kathy part....I use that when I comment on my grandbabies blogs. I forgot to change it...oops!! :)