We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Sunday, August 15, 2010

Break

This month is proving to be even harder than I thought. Sissy's birthday is Wednesday. I miss her so much. So much shit has happened in the past 15 months. I miss our blissful lives that we had before cancer came to us..... AGAIN. We were so thankful for everything we had. We had rough times but we also knew we could handle whatever happened because we'd all be together and we were all healthy. I try so hard not to look back because it doesn't do any good but cause even more pain. I just miss my sissy so damn much. I miss everything about her, even her bipolar episodes. I miss having a sibling. I miss Asa having his mum mum. I miss Valentina having her TT. Whenever Valentina does something so diva-ish I cry because I think about what a kick sissy would have gotten out of it and how she would have said "oh Vali! You're so cute!" She loved her niece so much and it fucking sucks that Valentina won't have her growing up. Every child deserves an aunt who dotes on them and takes their side vs. their mom. I would usually side with Asa when it came to him and sissy having a disagreement. There are times that I catch Asa staring off into space and when I ask him what he's thinking about he brushes it off with "nothing" but if I tell him it's ok to tell me he says "I'm thinking that mom died." It's happening more and more often. I hate that mom and I don't have sissy together. Whenever I had to vent about mom I'd always talk to sissy. Within two days time she would tell mom about it and then mom would talk to me so NOTHING was ever kept from any of us! Mom would confide to me about something sissy had done to hurt her feelings and again, within two days I would spill the beans to sissy and then the two of them would talk about it and things would be fine. I would complain about sissy to mom and usually within 24 hours (mom hated for sissy and me to be even mildly upset with each other) sissy and I would be talking things out and again, everything was fine. We called it our "party line arguments." Nothing was ever kept each other. Mom and I said last week that we miss having sissy as our "go between." Now when mom and I don't see eye to eye on something we have to ~gasp~ just tell each other right away. We miss our middle man. I miss the extra conversation that sissy would have brought to ours. When mom and I run errands without the kids and it gets quiet I wonder what sissy would have been talking about because it was NEVER quiet with sissy! I remember giving her a hard time and asking her if she was ever able to just not talk. She would always say "what? I like to talk!" I miss her talking so much now. I always enjoyed it. We always said our family should have a reality show. We were always having adventures and something would always go wildly wrong. We would laugh so hard at each other and just figured everyone else would find us as funny as we found each other. Most people don't realize that someone so profound in your life dies, it's not just the big things that you miss, it's the millions of little things, after all, our personalities are made up of countless little nuances and personality traits. It's all those little things, the way sissy would cock her head to the side when she was trying to make up her mind or the way she would always huff when she wouldn't find something in her suitcase sized purse, or the way she always insisted on being home by 4 pm so she could cook dinner for Joshua and Asa, even when she was sick on chemo. I miss the way she would answer the phone saying "YELL-oh" when I would call her. I miss the way she would call me and I would answer the phone just talking to her, no greeting, just telling her what I was doing at that very moment or what I was thinking about at that second and she would just go with it. I miss her using me as her TV Guide. She would call me to see what was on tv that night or to ask me when whatever show was on that week. I always told her there was a handy dandy thing called a TV Menu but she always had the same answer, "but why would I use that when I have you?" I miss her calling me to tell me something funny Asa had done. I miss her calling me to ask "what is my Vali up to? Tell me something funny she did." She asked that more frequently towards the end when she wasn't able to be over as much or didn't see Valentina much. I miss when mom would bring up something from our childhood and sissy and I would have two completely memories of it and we would just look at each, laugh and say "are we talking about the same situation?" I miss seeing her truck pulling into my driveway out of the blue, her walking around to the passenger side to get Asa unbuckled from his car seat and just walking up the front yard saying "I thought we'd come over for a bit." I miss our SPC (Summer Party Central). I miss mom, sissy and I making each other laugh so hard we couldn't breathe.

So I'm taking a break from blogging to try to figure out how to go forward. To figure out how to deal with the fact that even though my sister's birthday is coming up, she will never be older than 40. To figure out how to go on without my soul.

I'm taking a break to miss my sister.

4 comments:

laselang said...

Hoping for your entire family that you all find a way to move on. I read every line and my heart breaks for you. We have never meet but your bond with your sister and family is so touching..I wish there were a way to fix this heartache and bring her back to you all....Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers......

Krystal said...

I wish I knew what to say, but there just isn't anything that can be said. . . I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how hard it is. You guys really are the most loving example of a family that I have ever seen, and I am so sorry that you aren't all still together right now. I continue to send lots of love and prayers to your entire family.

wy-not said...

I have no words. Can only send cyber-hugs and prayers for you to find some small peace that will grow as the days go past. Some distant day, when the kiddos have grown up a bit and more time has gone by, Cameo I think you would be an amazing grief counsellor. You put your heartache into words so clearly, we can almost feel what you're feeling. I say "almost" because clearly the depth is beyond anybody's grasp. I just know your writing ability is one of the important ingredients for people helping other people cope. Hang on, girl. We'll be waiting when you come back to us. :(

Sandy

Kathy's Red Door Welcome said...

Thanks for letting me know that the post I wrote about my own sister was meaningful to you. Thankfully you have children a child that needs you to go on. I don't know how I would have gone on without my sister if I hadn't had my two daughters (I have three now)who needed me so much. My girls are grown now and I'm certain my sister must have been orchestrating from heaven to see to it that my grown daughter now lives right next door to me. My sister and I had always planned to live close to each other forever. You will find ways to keep your sisters memory alive for your child. Writing about your feelings could be a way to express your grief and move through this difficult time. I know for myself it was almost five years before I even felt remotely myself again. I know my sister is watching over me and my family because there are moments when I can really feel her presence. Our loved ones would not want us to grieve forever, but still I have learned that you must honor your feeling in some way. My heart goes out to you. Thanks again for reaching out and letting me know you are there.