We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Monday, August 30, 2010

By A Thread

I feel as if I've been hanging on to sanity by a very, very thin, frayed thread. Each day gets worse. August has been harder than I ever feared. There have been so many milestones that we've had to go through and tomorrow would have been sissy's wedding anniversary. Only two years ago she got married. Two years. On her wedding day I never would have thought that she'd be dead in only 17 months. One year ago right now we were doing her wedding rehearsal. I made her wedding playlist. It is just so unbelievable.

Every.Day.Is.Worse.

Mom and I went shopping today in an effort to partake in some retail therapy. It didn't help and on the drive over I broke down. I just felt so incredibly raw, physically and emotionally. I truly felt as if I would bleed or my skin would break if someone touched me. I felt stripped. I felt as if my veins were exposed and that my whole body had been burned. I think my brain does a pretty good job of protecting my heart by keeping me in shock but every once in a while the shock wears off just like a snake shedding it's skin and for a brief moment I'm suddenly very, very vulnerable. Then my brain takes over and the denial/shock takes over again and I'm somewhat insulated. There are times when I just miss my sister so fucking much. I just can't believe that this is our life. We all have to live without her. Is this real? This can't be real! Mom made some remark about someone who had been at the house in the week after sissy died and I had no idea that they had been there. She mentioned how we had taken the kids to story time at Barnes and Noble and I have no memory of that. I wonder if in six months I'll look back at this moment in time and have no recollection of it. I went through and read a few of my posts in the weeks after she died and I was reading it as if I had never written it. I have no memory of it. Again, another example of how my brain is taking over. I wonder if I were to have a brain MRI if there would actually be a chunk missing.

So I'm struggling. Mom says I'm retreating. My therapist tells me I need to lean on people. This is my third therapist, by the way. Yes, I have three therapists. And a shit load of mental health meds. I cannot imagine how I would be if I didn't have all this "help". I say that in quotes because really, there is nothing that helps, I think my therapists and meds just keep me from circling the drain and/or out of a padded cell.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Oh honey, I was so sorry to read this post. You know how sorry I am, and it seems so small to say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Doesn't that phrasing get old sometimes??

But....

I am sorry this month especially has been so hard. Thank goodness it is almost over, right? Yes and no. There is always still more around every corner.

I can soooooooo relate to you not remembering things. Here I am over a year out and I have been asking friends (as I get together with them) how did you find out about the accident? Most say from me, and some say from Dave, but I have no memory of calling anyone. I have no idea how anyone knew we were at the hospital, etc, etc.

I think I would have CHUNKS missing too.

Hang in there girlie! That's all the choice we have I suppose.....