We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

At Least I'm Not Going To Hell

I've been trying to come up with something different to write on here the past few days. Something not so DEATH and DOOM and MOURNING and LIFE DROPPING OUT FROM UNDER US.

I haven't found it yet.

If anything, it's getting worse. Asa started school and my heart hurts for the times that he doesn't like school. When I put him to bed tonight he cried and cried and begged me to let him stop going. The thing is, he really does like school, there's just this one part that he doesn't like and unfortunately it's not something he can get around. Josh called tonight to see how Asa's day had been and I just broke down. I told him the truth, that I love Asa so much but no matter what, I always feel like Trina would have been able to say just the right thing to get through to Asa. Trina would be able to make Asa feel safe. Trina should be the one doing this. Trina would be doing a better job at it than me.

Then I feel guilty because Valentina starts pre-school Thursday and I'm not worried about her. The girl has street smarts. But does that mean that I'm showing favoritism toward Asa because all I could do all day was obsess over how his day was going? Wondering if he was ok? Literally running every time the phone rang in case it was the school calling telling me he was in the midst of a meltdown? Feeling as if every second was taking five minutes? Taking my xanex like it was a box of tic tacs? Showing up at the school a full thirty minutes early because I couldn't stand to wait at home any more?

Does that mean I love him more?

I just feel like Asa has had to endure more than any adult should have to and he's only five so now I want to protect him from everything else. I feel like he's had the worst, leave him alone now! Hell, I even prayed for Asa to be ok today! I can count on one hand the number of times I've prayed since 01/09/10. Josh, on the other hand, keeps telling me "he needs to toughen up. The kids are going to eat him alive. He needs to learn to stand up for himself. Peer pressure is going to get to him. He needs to learn this now!" And Asa needs that from his father, but I'm his mother figure and the mother part of me just wants to hold him like a baby bird and never let him learn how to fly. But it's not up to me. Trina wanted him to be independent, confidant and self assured. And I know in the long run it's worth it, but it's just so damn hard to watch Asa go through this. I can only imagine what it's like for him because it's hell on me. We've all had a fucked up year.

So I apologize that I don't have a funny, light hearted post but that's only because I'm waiting for our hearts to become a little lighter and I don't see that happening soon.

However, keep this tidbit in mind. Valentina is going to Catholic pre-school (yes, the irony is not lost on me that my strong anti-organized religion stance still stands but hey, if the Catholics have the best pre-school, that's where my kid is going to). She starts Thursday. Last week mom said something about the Sabbath. Valentina, in all of her dramatics and huge facial expressions, wrinkled up her face, looked completely puzzled, raised her hands and exclaimed "SABBATH? What's Sabbath? I've NEVER heard of THAT before!!!"

Just send me straight to hell now. Oh, that's right, I don't believe in it, PRAISE THE LORD FOR THAT!


Kelly said...

I just love you ...that is all. Oh and I am a giant ass and really am going to try to space bag the clothes this weekend and get them out to you before Valentina tuens 16...:)

Andrea said...

Oh love, I know you are doing a GREAT job with Asa. Trina would probably have said the same thing-that you would know what to say, or you would know what to do better than she.

Grama said...

Grampa agrees with Josh on the toughen up thing I am with you on the hugs and holding thing. I'm glad that he is doing so well now though.
Miss Valentina is a kick and she does have her tough side so I don't worry about her either.
Love and hugs