We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

I Miss Her

One shitty thing about this month; the days and dates are the exact same as January. Last Saturday was the 2nd. On Saturday January 2nd Trina went to the hospital for what was to be a simple procedure of receiving fluids and blood transfusion. Yesterday was Monday, the 4th. On Monday January 4th I was sitting in sissy's hospital room when a doctor came in and told her "sorry, the liver disease is just too far along and there's nothing we can do. We could try to put in a stint but you aren't strong enough to make it through surgery. I'm sorry, this is it." To have to sit there and not just hear those words but to have watch your mom and sister hear them too, well, it was one of the worst things I've been witness to. Nine months ago today was the last time I saw my sissy coherent enough to have short, funny conversations with.

So October has provided us with yet one more land mine that we weren't expecting. Oh well, what are you going to do? Roll up and hide? Scream at the top of your voice? Throw pieces of furniture wildly around your house? Rip apart pillows? Tear up a Bible? These things are what I just pulled out of the top of my head because they are also things I've wanted to do but haven't...... yet. I'm shocked at the amount of restraint that I've shown, especially considering the amount of anger I have towards some people. Which brings me to another one of my pet peeves.

"I miss her too,"

Seriously? You, who saw Trina maybe once a year, or every ten years, or only reconnected with her after her diagnosis, or didn't even bother calling or doing jack shit until AFTER she died, have the fucking balls to tell us, her immediate family, "I miss her too" which implies that their "loss" is on the same tier as ours.

Oh no they deh-ent (wave of the hand, neck roll, hand up in the air)

Yes, that is one of my "favorites" that is guaranteed to send my blood pressure rising. Personally I could never go up to someone who has lost a member of their immediate family and say "I miss them too." Uh, NO! First of all NOBODY can miss them like the immediate family can and for me to sit there and insinuate that you are on par with them is just a plain dumbass move. So when people do that to us it drives me insane!

Nobody can miss sissy like the 7 of us can.

Nobody saw her every day like the 7 of us did.

Nobody saw her throwing up every day like the 7 of us did.

Nobody knew what she could and couldn't eat like we did.

Nobody knew how sweaty she got as a side effect of one chemo drug like we did.

Nobody went to concerts with her like I did.

Nobody had "no kid, sissy dates" like I did.

Nobody had a part in our own personal party line like we did.

Nobody made their lunch plans around what she was hungry for like we did.

Nobody had their day on hold until knowing how she was going to be feeling like we did.

Nobody saw her cry with fear like we did.

Nobody saw her fight with every fiber of her being like we did.

Nobody saw her be scared that she might not really make it like we did.

Nobody saw her do her best to really live for Asa like we did.

Nobody saw her struggle with her bipolar like we did.

Nobody had backyard BBQ's at Summer Party Central like we did.

Nobody talked to her a minimum of 5 times a day and spend at least 4 hours a day with her like we did.

So yeah, when someone tells me "I miss her too", well, no, no you don't. Your "loss" of her isn't even a thread on the bottom of our cloak of grief that will be forever covering us. So please don't tell me how much you miss her.

Finally, I leave you with this, Asa's rendition of Train's "Soul Sister." He was singing this Saturday on his way to his soccer game. I cried the whole time I was taping this. There are so many countless cute things the kids do that sissy will never see. Like mom says, "such a waste." But she and Joshua created this wonderful, miracle child that we never take for granted. And I'm so fortunate to be the mother of a head strong, very similar to sissy full of life daughter who finds joy in EVERYTHING! I really am so very, very fortunate to have the things in my life that I do.

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The Vuki Family said...

Having been where you are, I understand just a tiny bit what those feelings are that you're feeling. You're the only one who has those personal feelings for your sissy. I had some of those for my sissy. It's a hard pill to swallow. I used to wonder all of the time why in the world people would say some of the things they'd say. I truly think it's small talk. They don't quite know what to say, so they try to say something that they think might be comforting, when really it would have been better if they'd just given me a hug and told me they loved me. So there is nothing I can say to you personally, just know that WE(those of us who've lost a most prized loved one) love you! Even though we've not met in person, I do feel like we have something in common. Take care!

Krystal said...

Asa is so adorable. It's so cute how he goes between singing and chomping his gum.

Grama said...

Those of us who miss Trina don't miss her like your family does but we do miss seeing her smiling face and hearing her sweet voice. I have lost a lot of people but don't think I felt the same about any of them that you do about Trina. Yes sometimes we say things we shouldn't and I think it is a desperation to try to help the person feel better and yes it falls short but it is often out of love and not to be unkind so please forgive us when we do. We love you and you are always in our prayers.