I recently went through and read through some of my blog entries from earlier this year. Again I don't remember writing any of them but I can see how angry they are. I also went through and read every single comment that was left the day sissy died. I want to thank everyone for taking the time to write something. I didn't appreciate it at the time because I was in shock (still am) that I even had to read them and felt so alone. I still feel alone because I know that nobody can even come close to understanding or feeling what the 7 of us are feeling. But I now realize that it's no ones fault and I just lashed out. I'm angry that I have to have these feelings and some people can go their whole lives without ever having such a profound loss in their life but that's what happens. I still stand behind some of my earlier posts of people pissing me off when they tell me they know how I feel because they miss Trina too. No, no you don't know how I feel. And I still hate how everyone comes out of the woodwork when someone dies. Where were they during the 8 months she was sick? Where were they BEFORE she was sick? If Trina meant so much to them then why did it take her having cancer or dying for them to make contact with her? So I guess what I'm saying is thank you for all the kind comments and to all of you for trying to be there for us at a time when I push almost everyone away.
SO! On to pictures!!!!
Just before we left the house to meet up with Valentina's pre-school class at the pumpkin patch.
At the pumpkin patch.
On top of the hay bale pyramid that was about 25-30 feet tall.
Last week at the pumpkin patch with Asa and his class. He had so much fun! Asa developed a severe fear of being left behind or forgotten about two months after Trina died. I promised Asa that I will go on every field trip if at all possible because then he won't be worried about being left behind, he knows I'd never leave without him. I'm hoping with time and consistency he'll learn that he WON'T be forgotten.
I was sitting in the seat ahead of Asa and his friends when I snapped this picture of Asa Boy. I just love it! I was responsible for Asa and two other boys and they were really good. I almost felt sorry for some of the other mom's who got the unruly kids.....
So that's about it. We're dreading the holidays and have no idea what we will do. I have moments where I think I CAN do this and times when I think I can't breathe and will never survive. My psychiatrist asked me how I was doing and I answered him honestly, "I'm still here. I don't know how but I am." Several times throughout the day mom and I just look at each other blankly and say the same thing over and over, "it's just unbelievable."
Our lives are unbelievable. We will never stop being shocked. We will never understand. We will always cry. We will always miss her. We will always wonder why. We will always think "what if". We will always remember how things used to be. We will never be complete. I will never have my sister sit in the front passenger seat of my car. I will never listen to certain songs. I will never go to certain stores. Asa has had more heartache in his short six years than most people will ever go through in their long lives.
But we are still here.