Asa has a fear of being left behind, forgotten, lost, etc.... This started shortly after sissy died and although understandable, it is pretty severe. I've done my best to reassure him that nobody will forget him, that someone will ALWAYS be there to pick him up from school and the like.
Today we were all hanging out, trying to come up with fun things to do as Asa had video games taken away (he only gets to play on the weekends, 20 minutes at a time, three times a day) AND TV.... which means TV was taken away from all of us. Anyway, the kids and I were still in our PJ's, mom had showered but still in sweats and it was 11:40 am. Suddenly something triggered my memory that one of Asa's friends was having a birthday party. Today. At 12:45. And it was across town, about 25 minutes away. HOLY SHIT!!! I'm very proud to say that I got myself and both kids ready and the four of us (Beya too) were on the road at 12:25.
The party was at one of those kids fun zone type places. Asa was very apprehensive about it as he didn't know what to expect. He asked me to go with him and I assured him that I would be with him and he didn't have to go anywhere he didn't want to. So we get there and enter the Jungle area. It was like a McDonalds playland on steroids. There were about four levels of bridges, slides, ball cannons and all the other fun stuff. After going down a small slide a few times the kids loosened up and we moved on the cannon shooting. Asa and Valentina were full on having a great time and running all around so fast that I couldn't keep up with them or keep track as they were going in two different directions. I saw Asa running around having fun and Valentina wanted to hang out on the bottom level. After a while mom came into the jungle area as she hadn't seen Asa for a bit. We both started looking around and then spotted him on about the third level, crying. I left Valentina with Beya and ran as fast I could, crouching through the toddler height maze of winding stairs, through the crawling tubes, yelling at Asa the whole time that I was on my way. I had a hard time finding the right route to get to where he was. I finally reached my boy and he cried, telling me he was scared, that he couldn't find me, that he had gotten lost and didn't know what to do. I apologized profusely and felt like shit. Here I had PROMISED him that I would take care of him and I failed. I had let him down in the one area that he feared the most. He followed me out of the labyrinth and we made our way to the entrance. It was soon time for pizza, cake and ice cream and then we left. I told Asa how sorry I was that I wasn't there for him. He told me that he didn't ever want to go back there and I assured him that he wouldn't have to.
I'm such a shitty mom.
I told Josh about the incident tonight when he called to check on Asa. He was very understanding and told me that Asa needs to toughen up and get some street smarts, that he is very sheltered. Deep down I know this but I also know that he's had to go through more than any adult should have to go through much less a six year child. Actually he was only four when cancer came into his life. It is good for Asa to have his dad to teach him about the normal hard knocks of life and what he needs to learn in that situation but as his mother figure I just want to protect him forever. I know that in the long run that is not in Asa's best interest which is why he needs both Joshua and me.
I still feel like shit.