We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Monday, November 01, 2010

October's Over

October was a rough month. They all are, in all honesty, but I think they are getting worse. It started with July and then August was harder as it was sissy's birthday month. Then September came and school started plus Asa's birthday. October brought its own landmines, Halloween and my birthday. I really didn't want to do anything for my birthday, I just wanted to forget it. Actually I did keep forgetting my birthday. Whenever I had to show my ID (for meds and writing checks, not drinking, haha) people would say "oh, you have a birthday coming up!" and I had no idea what they were talking about. Mom argued with about doing something for it because she said the kids would have fun. I said I didn't care, it was my birthday and I wanted to bypass it. Well, guess who won, yes, Beya. We just ordered pizza and the kids made me a cake, as evidenced below:

If you look closely you can see Beya drew a line down the middle of the cake so Asa and Valentina could each decorate half the cake. Check out Mr. Lotsa Sprinkles side! No joke, there was an inch of sprinkles on there. The shirt Valentina is wearing was one of the last presents her TT gave her.

I hated my birthday. I hated not having my sissy with me. I hated not talking to her. I hated the fact that my morning birthday call from her telling me "happy birthday sissy roo!" never came. I hate the fact that my Converse shoes that I always wear were my last birthday present from her. I hate that cancer took her from me. I hate not having a sister. Period.

Next up is Josh's birthday then we have Thanksgiving which coincidentally falls on Beya's birthday this year. That will be a double whammy as it reminds me of Thanksgiving 2007 when we were in Guatemala and our family was split in half, literally. But we also came home with Valentina on November 25, Beya's birthday, so I guess it's really a trifecta. 1-Thanksgiving, 2-mom's birthday, 3-Valentina's homecoming date, all rolled into one day. Thanksgiving 2008 was perfection, it was everything I had ever wanted. There was a fire roaring, we were all together and the kids were running through the house. Up until that Thanksgiving I had always hated the holiday and that dated back to my childhood. Thanksgiving 2008 marked the year that it surpassed Christmas as my favorite holiday.

I hate Thanksgiving again.

I KNOW I have much to be thankful for. I AM thankful for the insane amount of good things that surround me. Mom always used to end her blog posts with "Life Is Good". She now has a saying that fits me too, "I am grateful for the things I have but mourn the one thing that I don't". It's still shockingly unbelievable. I will always have had a sister but I will never HAVE my sister.

Valentina had a costume party at her preschool on Friday. She went as Tiana from "Princess and the Frog." I made her "crown" that morning out of a piece of foam and then painted it with rubber cement and glittered the hell out of it. After Valentina was ready she was admiring herself in her bathroom while I got dressed in my bedroom. Mom came into my room laughing, telling me that Valentina was banging on her crown, watching the glitter fall off and gasping at what a beautiful sight it was. I grabbed my camera to get it on video but for some reason Valentina changed her story:

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Asa has had his clone trooper costume for over a month, Josh bought it when we went to get all the stuff for his birthday party. For the past couple of weeks Asa has been saying that he wanted to be a policeman for Halloween. I kept telling him no, he had his costume. I am more strict than Trina was, she could never tell Asa no. I have to pick my battles with Valentina so once I say no I know that I have to stick with that answer whereas Asa could get almost anything (within reason) from his mum mum. Asa would ask sissy for something, sissy would say no and then five seconds later she would change her mind and say yes. I gave sissy a hard time and told her that Asa didn't have to ask her twice for something because she would tell him yes before he had time to ask again. So I told Asa he was stuck with his storm trooper costume. We had to go to Target Saturday to get birthday presents for a couple of parties we have coming up. While we were there I found a policeman costume. It was $12. It was above Asa's line of sight. Asa didn't see it, we were ready to walk right past it.
Yes, I caved only Asa didn't even have to ask me for it, I showed it to him and it was his. Asa was so happy with it. I told him in the middle of the store why he was getting it, because it was something mum mum would have done for him. Later that day while Asa was running around the house dressed as the city's finest I asked him why he got the costume. He gave me the biggest smile and said "because mum would have gotten it for me."

This was taken last night, Asa ended up wearing the clone trooper costume! Oh well, the bottom line is I did something Trina would done and not what I would have done. I asked Asa on the way home from Target what he remembered about his mom. He answered "doing the dishes and making me macaroni and cheese". The said thing is he doesn't remember her before cancer, all he can recall is chemotherapy and her being sick. I feel horrible because I've never known a mom more full of life and happiness. I also believe that in time he will forget her altogether and will just have the stories we tell him about her. One thing I'm eternally grateful for is that she kept a blog. I had it printed into a book and he loves it. He has to have it read to him every night before he goes to sleep and he laughs and looks at the pictures. That was the true Trina, that was his mum, that was her, Josh and Asa's life as a family and he'll always have that in book form even though the reality of it is gone forever. I've cried sometimes reading it to him because Trina wrote a lot about her and me and the simple things we had done together that day. There was rarely a day that went by that we didn't see each other and NEVER a day that we didn't talk on the phone at least five times.

So one more month is over but we still have a lifetime of months to get through without Trina. It's daunting which is why I keep taking it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. But we're still here.


Anonymous said...

The kids look like they had a blast - good job :) I forget Valentina is such a big girl now - and to hear her speak is so fun! Thank you for posting...

Patti B.

Anonymous said...


Your love for your sister is everlasting......it is beautiful and so tragic to me that you no longer have her physically. Your pain is so very real......and though I know life will never be the same for you all......you are such a blessing to your nephew.....because of you he will always know his mom.