I got wishes for a nice "Un-Thanksgiving" yesterday from Amanda and the sentiment was perfect.
As is usual for our Thanksgiving plans, everything seemed to fall apart. Wednesday night Papa said he wasn't going to go with Joshua, Valentina overheard me telling Grama that I was going to send her and Norm to her house and she cried and cried, she didn't want to go without me. Great. Mom's and my plans for a quiet, unconventional, R rated movie-thon were going down the tubes. I told mom that our plans should have been the back up plan because then it would have worked. In the end everything worked out, papa went with Josh and Asa and I bribed Valentina with pretty much everything under the sun to get her to go with Norm. I made pizza, mom and I vegged out and laughed at "The Hangover", "Bruno" and "Borat". We were alone and it was nice.
I did something stupid and dumb but very necessary.
I keep my photos online and have been trying to make an album of the photos I have of just sissy and me. I get about halfway done and then I just can't do any more. Well last night while drugged on Ambien I started working at it again. My photos start around 2005 and I got to about 2007. It got harder and harder because I knew that I only had to get to December 2009 and then that was it, the photos of sissy and me end. I've been trying to get this done for months and today I finally got it finished. I picked out all the photos and they are in a book. Now I need to figure out if I want to caption all of them before I order it. In a way I just want it done but I also know this is it, I won't have a do over and I want it done right. I hope to pass this book on to Valentina and Asa and I want them to know when these pictures were taken and what we were doing at the time so I guess I'm not done yet. Some of the pictures were funny and I was able to laugh and some of them made me quietly sob. It's just like all the memories I have, some are funny and some are horribly painful. Unless you've lived through this you can't possibly understand what it is like. Nobody can understand, nobody can "get it" and nobody anyone else says comes of any comfort except those who are going through it too.
This brings me to another point. I wrote a chapter in my book about this. People expect you to "get over this" or to "come out the other side". These statements are so false they make me want to scream. Losing sissy wasn't an event, it is something that has forever changed me and I will never be the same. Life will never go back to the way it was. I will never be that person again. Some people have said I seem like I'm doing good, that I seem to be pretty normal. There are times when I actually can carry on a conversation like before but the reality is, I'm far from normal. I can give the illusion of being okay but it's not true. I'll never be okay ever again. I can laugh and I can make jokes but inside I'm empty and there is never ONE SECOND that I'm not thinking how upside down I am. It's not that I'm trying to think of how my sister is dead, it's just something that is infused in my body. Like I said, unless you're living with this horrible reality you can't understand. I guess I'm just saying this in case someone thinks I go from one extreme (laughing and joking) to another (sobbing and sad) because the reality is that inside I'm always sobbing and sad, there are just times that I can act the role of someone who is normal.
So that was our un-holiday and I'm thankful that it's over.