We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Happy Holidays

I thought I'd start off my blog with a scary photo of me but I just have to post it because even thought I look atrocious the kids both look adorable and it's not often that both of them are looking AT the camera AND smiling! As soon as I get more ink for my printer I'm printing this one and putting it my silver frame that sissy gave me that says "No Ordinary Mom."

Asa recently had a field trip to go bowling. I was in charge of 4 kids and at first I was very scared because last time I only had three kids but I lucked out and got four very well behaved children. They danced around and had so much fun. They even waited for me to give them the ok that it was their turn. I had never been bowling so it was a completely new experience for me.

Asa boy!

Going to Valentina's preschool Christmas program..... on the CORRECT day! Beya had bought her this cute dress the night before. I love it! Mom also picked up a cute, simple grey sweater with slight red accents for Asa.

One of the few pictures that were taken during the program where you can't see other kids.

One proud mama after the program. Just before the program started I was sitting in the audience and the fact that sissy wasn't here was such a hard, cruel fact that I couldn't keep it inside, I cried and cried. I have become quite an expert at crying in public that I can do it in a way where pretty much nobody can tell that I'm actually in the midst of a breakdown. I HATE crying in front of people.

Our table. Grama and Grampa were able to make it. Beya took the picture so that's why she isn't in it.

After the program. There was a craft area set up so Valentina made herself a wreath and started using it as a mask. She had a great time!

I collect nativity scenes and last year mom gave me this big one. I didn't feel like putting it up last Christmas. A few weeks ago mom pulled it out of the garage, dragged in the huge ladder from outside and was bound and determined to put it up. There is a perfect little corner ledge in our living room ceiling that held the nativity just right. I put up some white lights behind it so it's all lit up.

Christmas is this week. Christmas. I think I'm still in denial about it happening. Christmas Eve I think we sticking to our tradition of going over to Norm's family and then Christmas Day we're doing it at our house but we're doing a brunch instead of dinner like we did last year. Norm will be cooking (he makes awesome breakfasts, it's almost on par with a brunch you'd find in a restaurant) so again, that will be different. It's never far from my mind, however, that the last pictures that were ever taken of sissy and me were taken on Christmas Day 2009.

New Years Eve is going to be hell, sissy's last chemo treatment, the last time she was ever at my house. New Years Day, the last time I had a real conversation with sissy. That night I had a "feeling." It was one of the few times I've ever had a "feeling", it was that we were on the verge of something big happening, something that was going to change our lives forever.

January 2nd, the day sissy left her home forever, her house that she loved and made so warm, she lovingly referred to it as her dollhouse because it was so small, and went into the hospital for what was to be a simple blood transfusion. She expected to be home later that night.

The first half of January is going to be horrible. But then we start the second year. Everyone I talk to who has lost a sibling, parents who have lost a child, people who have lost a person who was part of their daily life, all say that the second year is worse. I told Beya a few months after sissy died that I thought the second year would be harder as we will be thinking that it should be easier and it won't be so that will hit us hard. The first year we've been on auto pilot. We have had to deal with things we never thought we'd have to, we are still in shock. I think reality will sink in and things are going to change and it will be shitty.

BUT BUT BUT BUT WE HAVE THE CHILDREN!!!!!! Oh thank you God for the kids!!!! I am so damn grateful for them!!!! I am so thankful to have my mom who understands my every movement and every mood. It is truly a miracle to have her with me. I also have two of the best friends I could ever hope for. I am so grateful to be able to talk to Amanda and Holly and they don't care that I when talk to them I can go instantly from laughing and joking to crying and inconsolable. I have much to be thankful for and I am so truly grateful for the bounty of what I have.

But I will forever be missing half of myself. Half of me is gone forever and can never be replaced, no matter what.

"I will not be licked by tragedy as life is a challenge and we must continue to work for the living as well as mourn for the dead."
-Rose Kennedy


Beya said...

I am so thankful for YOU and our kids!!! Yes, some times are almost unbarrible, but then we see the kids, and they are our miracles! We will get through the next month, and then start on our second year without our dear daughter and sister. Thank you for being here for me always. I love you baby girl.

wy-not said...

I want to send Christmas wishes to all of you, but I don't know how. I guess my wish for you is that you can all find some measure of peace and comfort in one another, and a helping of youthful joy in the kids. This season, like any other, one day at a time is the best we can do. Love to you all.

Grama said...

as usual your sadness is heartbreaking but the pictures are sheer joy. Love you