Christmas is done.
I feel so guilty and horrible for what I'm about to say but here goes. Saturday, watching the kids open their gifts and playing with their toys I was happy for them but all I felt was all encompassing grief and intense sadness. That was when I was feeling, most of the time I was just plain numb. I tried to steer my memories away from last year, of the year before, of the year before that, etc... After Josh and Asa left it was just the five of us and I was paralyzed with the deafening silence that I heard. Yes, the tv was on, yes, Valentina was playing, yes there were some noises but it was what I DIDN'T hear that was unbelievable. The jokes between sissy, Beya and me, the conversation we would have normally had, the laughter, the fun, the pure joy that we used to have. Gone. I told mom that it's just unbelievable the difference one person makes. It may be just one person to some but to us it is the loss of one person that has shaken the very foundation of our formerly earthquake proof tight family.