I had a big cry today before therapy. I started having those feelings again and rather than push them aside I let myself feel them. Yeah, not fun. It didn't make me feel better, it didn't make things better, it didn't wash things out of me. It still sucks and it is still just as unbelievable as January 2nd when she went into the hospital and just as horrific as January 9 when we lost her.
Mom and I talked to Dr. B how nobody can say the right thing. He agreed. He said there is magic word that makes things better. And anyone who says they know how we're feeling is full of shit. They don't know what it's like for ME to lose MY sister. They don't know how MOM feels to lose HER oldest daughter. Nobody knows how ASA feels to lose HIS mum. I told Dr. B that there is no right thing to say but there sure is shit WRONG things to say!!! For example:
* I know exactly how you feel (uh, no you don't)
* Just think, you'll see her again in heaven (how the hell does that help me for the next 40 years?)
* She's in a better place now (really? I didn't know that!)
* At least she's not hurting anymore (no shit sherlock, but she still wasn't YOUR sister!)
* One day you'll see the reason for this (seriously, if I hear this one one more time, I will smack that person. SHIT HAPPENS!!! There is NO REASON for the shit that happens all over the world)
* God needed another angel to help him (I thought God didn't need help?)
There, I think I've probably pissed off everyone and if you don't want to read this anymore, I'm fine with that. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. That said, there have been a handful of people who have been very helpful. I won't name them because some won't be happy that they didn't make the cut so instead I will leave it blank and you all know who you are.
So there. You got my full wrath. My sister died. If I have to deal with that, you can deal with my angry posts.