We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Head Shrunk

I saw my therapist today and brought mom along with me. We wanted some insight on what we could do to help Asa. It was a good session and it was great to have mom with me. Dr. B did tell me I'm still shock and that the gravity of the situation won't hit for a few months. Fuck. So it's going to get worse. Blech! I did tell him that I've started keeping a diary TO sissy. Whenever something happens throughout the day that would cause me to call sissy, I sit down and write it out to her. She was my talking buddy. We talked about everything. We could talk and talk and then talk some more. She was the only person who would tell me "sissy, you make me laugh!" simply by just talking to her. I miss that. I miss her.

I had a big cry today before therapy. I started having those feelings again and rather than push them aside I let myself feel them. Yeah, not fun. It didn't make me feel better, it didn't make things better, it didn't wash things out of me. It still sucks and it is still just as unbelievable as January 2nd when she went into the hospital and just as horrific as January 9 when we lost her.

Mom and I talked to Dr. B how nobody can say the right thing. He agreed. He said there is magic word that makes things better. And anyone who says they know how we're feeling is full of shit. They don't know what it's like for ME to lose MY sister. They don't know how MOM feels to lose HER oldest daughter. Nobody knows how ASA feels to lose HIS mum. I told Dr. B that there is no right thing to say but there sure is shit WRONG things to say!!! For example:

* I know exactly how you feel (uh, no you don't)
* Just think, you'll see her again in heaven (how the hell does that help me for the next 40 years?)
* She's in a better place now (really? I didn't know that!)
* At least she's not hurting anymore (no shit sherlock, but she still wasn't YOUR sister!)
* One day you'll see the reason for this (seriously, if I hear this one one more time, I will smack that person. SHIT HAPPENS!!! There is NO REASON for the shit that happens all over the world)
* God needed another angel to help him (I thought God didn't need help?)

There, I think I've probably pissed off everyone and if you don't want to read this anymore, I'm fine with that. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. That said, there have been a handful of people who have been very helpful. I won't name them because some won't be happy that they didn't make the cut so instead I will leave it blank and you all know who you are.

So there. You got my full wrath. My sister died. If I have to deal with that, you can deal with my angry posts.