We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Saturday, October 23, 2010

Pumpkin Patch

So this first year we cannot do the same thing at the holidays as we did last year, it is just too painful. Mom and I were struggling to figure out what to do for pumpkins as the last couple of years we had found the cutest little pumpkin patch that was always empty. I remember last year sissy was on the fence about going, it was really cold, we had been out all day, she was exhausted and feeling shitty but she decided to join Beya, the kids and me. I will be forever grateful she did go because I got video of our drive home and we had so much fun, the kids were crazy and we were all laughing. I haven't watched it and I don't know if I will but at least I have it. Anyway, so Beya and I were trying to figure out what to do and the problem was solved for us; both kids went to a pumpkin patch that we had never been to for school. I was able to go with both of them (at different times) so it worked out. We're still unsure of what we'll do for Halloween, we have a few options. Every time I think of trick or treating I just want to cry because I remember last Halloween so vividly. There was much laughter and joking and candy and happiness, even in the midst of cancer. I'm so grateful to have these memories as my memory is pretty well shot now. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he said it's very normal that I have huge chunks of time missing. I keep thinking that it's the first of September, I keep stressing over figuring out what to do for Asa's birthday, I keep thinking Halloween is more than a month away and I can't remember what we did for any of the holidays this year.



I recently went through and read through some of my blog entries from earlier this year. Again I don't remember writing any of them but I can see how angry they are. I also went through and read every single comment that was left the day sissy died. I want to thank everyone for taking the time to write something. I didn't appreciate it at the time because I was in shock (still am) that I even had to read them and felt so alone. I still feel alone because I know that nobody can even come close to understanding or feeling what the 7 of us are feeling. But I now realize that it's no ones fault and I just lashed out. I'm angry that I have to have these feelings and some people can go their whole lives without ever having such a profound loss in their life but that's what happens. I still stand behind some of my earlier posts of people pissing me off when they tell me they know how I feel because they miss Trina too. No, no you don't know how I feel. And I still hate how everyone comes out of the woodwork when someone dies. Where were they during the 8 months she was sick? Where were they BEFORE she was sick? If Trina meant so much to them then why did it take her having cancer or dying for them to make contact with her? So I guess what I'm saying is thank you for all the kind comments and to all of you for trying to be there for us at a time when I push almost everyone away.



SO! On to pictures!!!!





Just before we left the house to meet up with Valentina's pre-school class at the pumpkin patch.

At the pumpkin patch.


On top of the hay bale pyramid that was about 25-30 feet tall.


Last week at the pumpkin patch with Asa and his class. He had so much fun! Asa developed a severe fear of being left behind or forgotten about two months after Trina died. I promised Asa that I will go on every field trip if at all possible because then he won't be worried about being left behind, he knows I'd never leave without him. I'm hoping with time and consistency he'll learn that he WON'T be forgotten.



I was sitting in the seat ahead of Asa and his friends when I snapped this picture of Asa Boy. I just love it! I was responsible for Asa and two other boys and they were really good. I almost felt sorry for some of the other mom's who got the unruly kids.....
almost.

So that's about it. We're dreading the holidays and have no idea what we will do. I have moments where I think I CAN do this and times when I think I can't breathe and will never survive. My psychiatrist asked me how I was doing and I answered him honestly, "I'm still here. I don't know how but I am." Several times throughout the day mom and I just look at each other blankly and say the same thing over and over, "it's just unbelievable."
Our lives are unbelievable. We will never stop being shocked. We will never understand. We will always cry. We will always miss her. We will always wonder why. We will always think "what if". We will always remember how things used to be. We will never be complete. I will never have my sister sit in the front passenger seat of my car. I will never listen to certain songs. I will never go to certain stores. Asa has had more heartache in his short six years than most people will ever go through in their long lives.
But we are still here.