We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

No Title

I can't think of a title for today so fuck it.

Thanksgiving is in two days. I have no idea what we'll be doing. No. Clue. At this point I'm thinking the turkey dinner from Shari's would be fine, which is pretty bad, although it would also be very fitting since sissy hated Shari's. Both Josh's family and Norm's family is having dinners but I just don't know that I could bring myself to do either. I was talking to our next door neighbor Kathy who lost her brother to cancer a couple of years ago and she said that first Thanksgiving was horrible. She and her family were with friends and family and she wanted to just yell at them "why are you so happy? My brother is dead and you're just laughing like nothing happened! I'm not thankful for anything!" That kind of fits me to a T.

The thing is, once Thanksgiving is over with, we have December 16th coming up.

December 16th.

This is what I refer to as the beginning of the end.

It's mom and papa's wedding anniversary so basically their anniversary is ruined forever. Sissy had an oncology appointment and she was so scared. She was going to get her tumor marker numbers. I remember sitting at the table with her and mom and sissy was crying. Mom asked her what she was afraid of and sissy said she was not prepared to have her numbers go up. She was scared they wouldn't be down. Trina could tell by how she was feeling that she was very scared that the numbers hadn't gone down. It turned out her tumor marker numbers had doubled.

It was a horrible day.

Then comes Christmas.

Then comes New Years Eve, her last day of chemo. It was also the last time she was at my house.

New Years Day was the last time I really talked to her.

January 2nd is when she went to the hospital.

January 9th is when she died.

January 14 is Valentina's birthday and also the day of the viewing.

January 15 was her funeral.

January 19 is Papa's birthday.

We have a long, shitty 7-8 weeks ahead of us. And the thing is, I told mom that I think it might be worse after that because things will still suck and still hurt and we'll be thinking "I thought this was supposed to be better than the first year" but it won't be.

BUT! I have put up my Christmas shit, or the little that I am doing. Last week I was feeling so overwhelmed and sad so out of the blue I pulled out my fireplace mantle decorations along with the stockings and the kids and I put them up. I tried to make it as fun as possible and I do think they had a nice time which is all that matters. At the end of the day Thanksgiving is going to suck so all we can do is try to make it fun for the kids. I also have the advent calendar of my dreams that mom gave me for my birthday last year. It's a wooden house with a drawer for each day. Sometimes I would put candy in it, sometimes it would be a scavenger hunt for the kids to find their prize of the day. I can't believe it but I am looking forward to trying to make it even better than last year.

AND! Norm is back to work. He has worked a total of 3 of the past 12 months. He's back to work and has literally a 5 minute commute. He's never had less than a 30 minute commute, sometimes 90, so that is great.

Like mom so perfectly says "I am grateful for what I have but mourn what I do not." And then there's always Rose to fall back on, "I will not be licked by tragedy as life is a challenge and we must to continue to work for the living as well as mourn for the dead." Right now life IS a challenge. I've been crying multiple times a day and feel so overwhelmed and sad. Everything is a struggle. I miss my sister so damn much. I feel so empty without her. On the Today show this morning they were talking to a mom who had her 4 year daughter diagnosed with a very rare, very deadly brain cancer and she said (I'm paraphrasing) "the pain is so immense that you almost don't feel it. It's numbing and you can't believe it." I cried and cried when I heard her say that because that is how I feel. Her daughter is now cancer free, thanks to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. There's a 20% chance that it could come back but she's fine right now. I'm so glad October is over because it seemed like every 5 seconds there was someone on tv saying how they were a breast cancer survivor and blah blah blah. It angered me so much that sissy wasn't, even though she HAD been. But the second time she died. She's gone. There is no hope for her. She won't ever get better. There is no prayer for a miracle for her anymore.

For that I am not thankful.