We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Friday, April 08, 2011

The Bell

I love Crate and Barrel. Love it. I've only been to the store a handful of times and I only buy things that are on sale but I love it. Trina always thought I was silly because I liked it because she thought it was highly overpriced and nothing suited her taste but she would humor me and go with me. Actually we always went everywhere and since I usually drove, her and Beya were my hostages. Anyway, every once in a while I have conversations with sissy in my head, especially when they are about unusual, different things. Take for instance my crush on Karl Pilkington. I know EXACTLY what she would have said and what words she would have accented, what sentence she would have repeated, etc... I hate having dreams of her but I love having these conversations with her. I watched "Castle" yesterday by myself and we talked about it together. So, I was cruising through Crate and Barrel online and look what I found: I love it. In my head I reached for the phone and told Trina all about my great find at Crate and Barrel. Again, I know exactly what she would have said, how she would have laughed at me, how I would have defended what a steal and find this bell was and we would have laughed until our sides hurt and tears were streaming down our faces. All over a bell. I miss sissy so much it hurts and even now I take things day by day, sometimes minute by minute. I hate that I can't have these conversations for real, but I'm grateful that I knew her inside out and can have these conversations in my head. One clarification I needed to make about my post yesterday. I gave my first quote and proceeded to tell a story but completely forgot to explain how the quote tied in with my story. Last year was hell. This year isn't really better, it's different. I can't compare the two because they are so different but last year I was in shock. I didn't really grieve. I spent most of the year in denial and shock. BECAUSE I didn't grieve I didn't really exist. This year I'm grieving but I'm also feeling more. You can't feel when you don't grieve because the shock and horror of losing such an integral part of your daily life puts you in a coma. I thought the quote,
"Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists."

was spot on. Last year I didn't grieve and I hardly existed. Literally.

The pain is worse now because I am grieving but I am so grateful for my children, my parents, my family and my friends that are my family.

And finding that elusive bell :)


Cherrie said...

Hello. Just wanted to let you know I am still following along and you are in my thoughts and prayers. The kiddos are getting big and just as adorable as ever.

Amarelis Claudio said...

Stay strong and allow yourself to grieve.......I know no good comes from your sister leaving you.......but you sure have made me appreciate my sisters so much more.....Thank you! I pray for you and your babies......may you all continue to get each other through the good and bad days...

Jen said...

I LOVE Crate and Barrel too, and am so happy you got your bell!! I have been absolutely fixated on their seasonal hand towels. I had such an obbesssion that it became unreal. I should take a picture of the stack, you would laugh.

The clencher is the piece of shit towels DO NOT ABSORB. Stupid me, I thought that was the primary job of a towel. They just push water around. So I have been using these for 9.5 years, and Dave makes fun of me, and my Mom screams at me to get a real towel.

I decide I am never going to buy one again. The next time I was in, I tried not to go near them, I tried to not even go near that area of the store, but it was fall (my favorite season) and I ended up buying 2 sets of 2. I felt sick, I knew they sucked!! They are my CRACK!! I put them up, they are the worst ever. I was so fed up.

I went to Williams Sonoma, and found the most absorbent towels ever. THey are like a chamois. I was in heaven, but the problem is....they don't have any seasonal ones, just boring old solid color ;o(

I finally chose function over decoration.

I am so happy you can have the conversations in you rhead. Maybe one day you will decide that's not good enough, and will