It has been almost 18 months since sissy died. A year and a half. I know I sound like a broken record but it still seems surreal that I can type that and not fall apart. When I had my ear infection I was in unbelievable pain. Pain that made me cry out and go to the ER twice to have them do something, anything, to help dull it. I felt like there was an ice pick jabbing through my head. I was taking vicodin and oxycodone, staggering them so I was taking something every two hours, and the pain was still unbearable. The whole time this was going on I kept thinking "my physical pain finally matches my emotional pain." My mind was also going back to the last time I had an ear infection this bad. It was April 2009, just a few weeks before the eight of us took our last family vacation to the beach. It is unbelievable how drastically our lives have changed in 26 months. But like Beya says, "I am grateful for what I have but mourn for what I don't." It is very similar to my Rose Kennedy quote, "I will not be licked by tragedy as life is a challenge and we must continue to work for the living as well as mourn for the dead." These are two very fitting quotes by two incredibly women.
I was talking to my aunt almost a month ago when she came to visit and she asked how I was doing. I told her the truth, not good. I explained to her that my life is no longer mine. I don't live for me, I live for the kids. I don't care what happens to me, I don't feel the joy I used to and I know I never will. That said I do my best to give Asa and Valentina as much fun, happiness and as carefree lives as I possibly can. Like I said, I live my life for them. The best I can do for me is to try to distract myself.
Case in point. Norm and I went out of town for two nights to see U2 a while ago. This was the concert that sissy, Josh, Norm and I were supposed to go to to celebrate Trina being in remission. This was the concert that was supposed to take place last summer but had to be postponed because of Bono's back injury. This was the concert that I struggled with the decision of whether to go or not go. The last U2 concert I had gone to it was just sissy and me and we had an absolutely fabulous time. It was one of, if not THE best night of my life. The energy, joy and sheer elation we both felt was amazing. I didn't know if I wanted to keep that memory sealed forever and have that be the last time I ever saw U2 live.
Well, I decided that Norm and I were going to go see them again. This was something I did for myself. I wouldn't have gone for any band other than U2. I wanted to feel a sliver of what I had felt for them in the past.
It didn't happen.
In fact during the opening act I had a major panic attack. I thought for sure that I was going to have to leave. I lost my hearing, I felt as if I was going to pass out and vomit. It lasted for about 20 minutes before slowly subsiding. I went into the concert having no expectations and I'm glad because otherwise I would have been awfully disappointed. I had a better time just spending some alone time with Norm than anything else. I'm not sure that I will go see them again. Luckily I won't have to make choice any time soon as they only tour about every five years.
I don't regret going but that's about it. It was only a slight distraction and I cried many, many times.
It just goes to prove my fact that things I do just for myself don't mean a whole hell of a lot. I live my life for the kids.
We have a few distractions planned for the summer, a couple of short trips with the kids.
I miss my life, my old life, my REAL life, but the kids are at such a fun age right now that I try to enjoy every minute with them.
I hear parents say "oh, I wish my kids could be babies again" or "that was such a perfect age" or "enjoy it now, they grow up so fast." Mom showed me that she enjoyed Trina and I at every age, every age was her favorite. Beya still says that, she tells me her favorite age with me is 35. I can honestly say the same for Asa and Valentina. I don't remember any other age they were except for THIS age. I love to hear Valentina making up stories with her dolls and I love listening to Asa read his books out loud. I even love hearing both kids getting a tiny bit sassy with a big dose of sarcasm thrown in at me. I love hearing the kids sing the theme song to "Caillou" together. I especially love hearing them tell each other how much they love each other.
It does enter my mind that Valentina is the age Asa was when Trina was diagnosed with cancer. Valentina is just a baby. I cannot imagine hearing that diagnosis with a 4 1/2 year old and being 10 weeks pregnant. I cannot.
So instead I try to distract myself. I distract myself with the kids. I distract myself with thoughts of our summer. I distract myself with trying to play every single game of Freecell on my phone.
Most of all, I distract myself with the Casey Anthony murder trial. I DVR the entire days testimony and watch it when I can, staying up until midnight if I need to (I don't watch it with the kids, obviously) in order to be ready for the next day of events.
I had written before that I had so much sympathy for Cindy Anthony. After watching her on the stand my feelings have shifted. I still cannot imagine the situation she is in so I will leave it at that.
So that is what is going on with me. I have piles of emails left unanswered from the past month. If you happen to be reading this (you all know who you are) I am sorry, it has nothing to do with you, I'm just trying to be distracted and that means, oddly enough, staying off the computer. I am on my BlackBerry and that's about it so I don't feel like writing out long emails on my phone.
No matter what, I can never distract myself from the fact that I love and miss my sissy.